The Victorian era: Laws of etiquette

[Captain]

The Importance of Being Polite


I. BEAUTIFUL BEHAVIOR - Politeness has been described as the art of showing, by external signs, the internal regard we have for others.

But one may be perfectly polite to another without necessarily paying a special regard for him. Good manners are neither more nor less than beautiful behavior. It has been well said that "a beautiful form is better than a beautiful face, and a beautiful behavior is better than a beautiful form; it gives a higher pleasure than statues or pictures, it is the finest of the fine arts."

2. TRUE POLITENESS - The truest politeness comes of sincerity. It must be the outcome of the heart, or it will make no lasting impression; for no amount of polish can dispense with truthfulness. The natural character must be allowed to appear, freed of its angularities and asperities. Though politeness, in its best form, should resemble water-" best when clearest, most simple, and without taste "-yet genius in a man will always cover many defects of manner, and much will be excused to the strong and the original. Without genuineness and individuality, human life would lose much of its interest and variety, as well as its manliness and robustness of character.

3. PERSONALITY OF OTHERS - True politeness especially exhibits itself in regard for the personality of others. A man will respect the individuality of another if he wishes to be respected himself. He will have due regard for his views and opinions, even though they differ from his own. The well-mannered man pays a compliment to another, and sometimes even secures his respect by patiently listening to him. He is simply tolerant and forbearant, and refrains from judging harshly; and harsh judgments of others will almost invariably provoke harsh judgments of ourselves.

4. THE IMPOLITE - The impolite, impulsive man will however, sometimes rather lose his friend than his joke. He may surely be pronounced a very foolish person who secures another's hatred at the price of a moment's gratification It was a saying of Burnel, the engineer - himself one of the kindest-natured of men - that "spite and illnature are among the most expensive luxuries in life." Dr. Johnson once said: " Sir, a man has no more right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down."

5. FEELINGS OF OTHERS - Want of respect for the feelings of others usually originates in selfishness and issues in hardness and repulsivenes of manner. It may not proceed from malignity so much, as from want of sympathy, and want of delicacy, a want of that perception of, and attention to, those little and apparently trifling things, by which pleasure is given or pain occasioned to others. Indeed, it may be said that in self-sacrifice in the ordinary intercourse of life, mainly consists the difference between being well and ill bred. Without some degree of self-restraint in society a man may be found almost insufferable. No one has pleasure in holding intercourse with such a person, and he is a constant source of annoyance to those about him.

6. DISREGARD OF OTHERS - Men may show their disregard to others in various impolite ways, as, for instance, by neglect of propriety in dress, by the absence of cleanliness, or by indulging in repulsive habits. The slovenly, dirty person, by rendering himself physically disagreeable, sets the tastes and feelings of others at defiance, and is rude and uncivil, only under another form.

7. THE BEST SCHOOL OF POLITENESS - The first and best school of politeness, as of character, is always the home, where woman is the teacher. The manners of society at large are but the reflex of the manners of our collective homes, neither better nor worse. Yet, with all the disadvantages of ungenial homes. men may practice self-culture of manner as of intellect, and learn by good examples to cultivate a graceful and agreeable behavior towards others. Most men are like so many gems in the rough, which need polishing by contact with other and better natures, to bring out their full beauty and lustre. Some have but one side polished, sufficient only to show the delicate graining of the interior; but to bring out the full qualities of the gem, needs the discipline of experience, and contact with the best examples of character in the intercourse of daily life.

8. CAPTIOUSNESS OF MANNER - While captiousness of manner, and the habit of disputing and contradicting everything said, is chilling and repulsive, the opposite habit of assenting to, and sympathizing with, every statement made, or emotion expressed, is almost equally disagreeable. It is unmanly, and is felt to be dishonest. "It may seem difficult," says Richard Sharp, "to steer always between bluntness and plain dealing, between merited praises and lavishing indiscriminate flattery; but it is very easy good humor, kindheartedness, and perfect simplicity, being all that are exquisite to do what is right in the right way." At the same time many are impolite, not because they mean to be so, but because they are awkward, and perhaps know no better.

9. SHY PEOPLE - Again many persons are thought to be stiff, reserved, and proud, when they are only shy. Shyness is characteristic of most people of the Teutonic race. From all that can be learned of Shakespeare, it is to be inferred that he was an exceedingly shy man. The manner in which his plays were sent into the world, for it is not known that he edited or authorized the publication of a single one of them, and the dates at which they respectively appeared, are mere matters of conjecture.

10. SELF FORGETFULNESS - True politeness is best evinced by self-forgetfulness, or self-denial in the interest of others. Mr. Garfield, the martyred president, was a gentleman of royal type. His friend, Col. Rockwell, says of him: "In the midst of his suffering he never forgets others. For instance, today he said to me, 'Rockwell, there is a poor soldier's widow who came to me before this thing occurred, and I promised her, she should be provided for. I want you to see that the matter is attended to at once.' He is the most docile patient I ever saw."

11. IT'S BRIGHT SIDE - We have thus far spoken of shyness as a defect. But there is another way of looking at it; for even shyness has its bright side, and contains an element of good. Shy men and shy races are ungraceful and undemonstrative, because, as regards society at large, they are comparatively unsociable. They do not possess those elegances of manner acquired by free intercourse, which distinguish the social races, because their tendency is to shun society rather than to seek it. They are shy in the presence of strangers, and shy even in their own families. They hide their affections under a robe of reserve, and when they do give way to their feelings, it is only in some very hidden inner chamber. And yet, the feelings are there, and not the less healthy and genuine, though they are not made the subject of exhibition to others.

12. WORTHY OF CULTIVATION - While, therefore, grace of manner, politeness of behavior, elegance of demeanor, and all the arts that contribute to make life pleasant and beautiful, are worthy of cultivation, it must not be at the expense of the more solid and enduring qualities of honesty, sinerity, aud truthfulness. The fountain of beauty must be in the heart more than in the eye, and if it does not tend to produce beautiful life and noble practice, it will prove of comparatively little avail. Politeness of manner is not worth much, unless it is accompanied by polite actions.

http://www.angelpig.net/victorian/etiquette.html

 

[Captain]

Etiquette

"Etiquette" is the one word that aptly describes life during the reign of Queen Victoria.

For those in the upper echelons of society, rules such as the proper forms of address, and even what to wear (including which pieces of jewellery would be appropriate) were all considered very important.

For the lower class, the poor, there wasn't time for etiquette.

The Upper and Upper-Middle Class

From the slightest burp (social ruin if it was heard) to how a gentleman spoke to a young lady, Victorian society was greatly concerned with every aspect of daily life. From the moment the upper class left their beds, their days were governed by do's and don'ts.

The horror of social ostracism was paramount. To be caught in the wrong fashion at the wrong time of day was as greatly to be feared as addressing a member of society by the wrong title.

It was important to know whom you could speak with - especially if you hadn't been properly introduced. For a woman, being asked to dance by a complete stranger could pose an etiquette problem which might have repercussions for days.

Young ladies were constantly chaperoned. To be found alone with a gentleman who was other than family was tantamount to social death. Her reputation would be ruined and her gentleman companion would find himself the object of gossip, and most usually derision.

The established career for society women was marriage - full stop. They were expected to represent their husbands with grace and provide absolutely no scandal. Charity work would be accepted, but only if it was very gentile... sewing for the poor, or putting together food baskets.

Gentlemen had to keep track of when it was proper to either smoke or have a glass of sherry in front of ladies. When to bow and to whom to tip your hat could cause gossip if the wrong decision was made.

Members of Victorian society kept busy with parties, dances, visits, dressmakers, and tailors. Keeping track of what other people in your social class were doing was also a full-time occupation.

The People in the Middle

Being a servant in one of the grand Victorian houses was a position which would guarantee shelter and food. However, there was etiquette to be learned.

The upper class was never to be addressed unless it was absolutely necessary. If that was the case, as few words as possible were to be uttered.

Using the proper title was of the utmost importance. "Ma'am" or "Sir" was always appropriate. If "Ma'am" was seen, it was necessary that you 'disappear', turning to face the wall and avoiding eye contact.

Life was easier, though, amidst your fellow servants. Although private fraternization was frowned upon, it wasn't against the rules for those 'below stairs' to enjoy singing, dancing, and other social activities together.

Quite often the 'upper class' of the servant world, the butler and housekeeper, would put aside their lofty roles in the household and join their fellow servants in gaiety. But come the morning, they would reign supreme once again.

Having a profession was another way of being a member of the middle class of Victorian society. Shopkeepers, doctors, nurses, a schoolmaster, or parish priest were all notable professions.

Often times, the only difference between being a member of the upper-middle and the middle class was the amount of wealth you had gathered, and how it was flaunted.

Another indicator was the number of servants you employed. Having more than one servant was a sure sign that you had money.

Sometimes, the 'uppers' and the 'middlers' would mingle. If the proper introductions could be managed, it was possible for a tradesman to receive backing from a prominent 'upper' member. With a successful business deal, both parties could increase their wealth and for the 'middler', their station in life.

The Lower Class


Victorian society did not recognize that there was a lower class.

'The Poor' were invisible. Those members of England who worked as chimney sweeps, ratcatchers, or spent their days in factories had no place in the echelon of the upper class, although their services would be needed from time to time.

The prevailing attitude was that the poor deserved the way they lived. If good moral choices had been made, the poor wouldn't be living the way they did.

The best way for society to deal with the poor was to ignore them. They were 'burdens on the public'.

There were people who cared, however. Unfortunately, in trying to help the lower class, conditions usually did not improve. Workhouses were developed, but the living was horrendous and it was almost better to be back on the street.

Being just too busy trying to survive, etiquette played little part in the poor's daily existence. But that's not to say that pride wasn't available. There was a 'social stigma' to applying for aid, and some families preferred to keep to themselves and figure out their own methods of survival.

Although Poor Laws were put into place, it wasn't until after the Victorian age ended that 'the lower class' was able, through education, technology, and reform, to raise itself, in some cases literally, out of the gutter.

Victorian society could be quite pleasant, but only depending on your financial status.

 

[Captain]

Following are some rules of conduct a proper female must adhere to:

She never approached people of higher rank, unless being introduced by a mutual friend.

People of lesser rank were always introduced to people of higher rank, and then only if the higher-ranking person had given his/her permission.

Even after being introduced, the person of higher rank did not have to maintain the acquaintance. They could ignore, or 'cut' the person of lower rank.

A single woman never addressed a gentleman without an introduction.

A single woman never walked out alone. Her chaperone had to be older and preferably married.

If she had progressed to the stage of courtship in which she walked out with a gentleman, they always walked apart. A gentleman could offer his hand over rough
spots, the only contact he was allowed with a woman who was not his fianc?e.

Proper women never rode alone in a closed carriage with a man who wasn't a relative.

She would never call upon an unmarried gentleman at his place of residence.

She couldn't receive a man at home if she was alone. Another family member had to be present in the room.

A gentlewoman never looked back after anyone in the street, or turned to stare at others at church, the opera, etc.

No impure conversations were held in front of single women.

No sexual contact was allowed before marriage. Innocence was demanded by men from girls in his class, and most especially from his future wife.

Intelligence was not encouraged, nor was any interest in politics

-- Etiquette played its part in Victorian clothing. It was considered 'good etiquette' to dress appropriately to ones age, and position in society.

-- Etiquette manuals instructed gentlemen that they should attend to the ladies present, at all cost, putting aside their own needs, and acting as servants, guides, or even waiters, if necessary.

-- "It is the duty of the gentlemen to be ever attentive to the ladies. If it be a picnic, the gentlemen will carry the luncheon, erect the swings, construct the tables, bring the water, and provide the fuel for boiling tea."

-- A lady cannot refuse the invitation of a gentleman to dance, unless she has already accepted that of another, for she would be guilty of an incivility which might occasion trouble; she would, moreover, seem to show contempt for him whom she refused, and would expose herself to receive in secret an ill compliment from the mistress of the house.

-- Married or young ladies, cannot leave a ball-room or any other party, alone. The former should be accompanied by one or two other married ladies, and the latter by their mother, or by a lady to represent her.

-- Victorian girls were trained early on in life to prepare herself for a life dedicated to home and family if she married, and charity if she didn't. And young ladies, though advised on the importance of catching a man, were warned not to be too liberal in display of their charms. Meekness and modesty were considered beautiful virtues.

-- Invitations should be sent at least seven to ten days before the day fixed for an event, and should be replied to within a week of their receipt, accepting or declining with regrets.

-- Never lend a borrowed book. Be particular to return one that has been loaned to you, and accompany it with a note of thanks. -- Rise to one's feet as respect for an older person or dignitary.

-- A true gentleman tips their hat to greet a lady, opens doors, and always walks on the outside.

-- Break bread or roll into morsels rather than eating the bread whole.

-- Conversation is not to talk continually, but to listen and speak in our turn.

-- And as for the Gentlemen, they should be seen and not smelled. They should use but very little perfume, as too much of it is in bad taste.

-- A lady, when crossing the street, must raise her dress a bit above the ankle while holding the folds of her gown together in her right hand and drawing them toward the right. It was considered vulgar to raise the dress with both hands as it would show too much ankle, but was tolerated for a moment when the mud is very deep. As told by The Lady's Guide to Perfect Gentility.

-- A young lady should be expected to shine in the art of conversation, but not too brightly. Etiquette books of the era concentrate on the voice, rather than the content of speech, encouraging her to cultivate that distinct but subdued tone.

-- When introduced to a man, a lady should never offer her hand, merely bow politely and say, "I am happy to make your acquaintance."

-- While courting, a gentleman caller might bring only certain gifts such as flowers, candy or a book. A woman could not offer a gentleman any present at all until he had extended one to her, and then something artistic, handmade and inexpensive was permissible.

-- Young people should not expect friends to bestow wedding gifts. It is a custom that sometimes bears heavily on those with little to spend. Gifts should only be given by those with ties of relationship, or those who wish to extend a warm sentiment of affection. In fact, by 1873 the words No presents received are engraved upon the cards of invitations.

-- A gentleman may delicately kiss a lady's hand, the forehead, or at most, the cheek.



A Complete Etiquette in a Few Practical Rules



1. If you desire to be respected, keep clean. The finest attire and decorations will add nothing to the appearance or beauty of an untidy person.

2. Clean clothing, clean skin, clean hands, including the nails, and clean, white teeth, are a requisite passport for good society.

3. A bad breath should be carefully remedied, whether it proceeds from the stomach or bad teeth.

4. To pick the nose, finger about the ears, or scratch the head or any other part of the person, in company, is decidedly vulgar.

5. When you call at any private residence, do not neglect to clean your shoes thoroughly.

6. On entering a hall or church, the gentleman should always precede the lady in walking up the aisle, or walk by herside if the aisle is broad enough.

7. A gentleman should always precede a lady upstairs, and follow her downstairs.

8. On leaving a hall or church at the close of entertainment or services, the gentleman should precede the lady.

9. A gentleman walking with a lady should carry her parcels, and never allow a lady to be burdened with anything whatever.

10. If a lady is travelling with a gentleman, simply as a friend, she should place the amount of her expenses in his hands, or insist on paying the bill
herself.

11. Never carry on a private conversation in company. If secrecy is necessary, withdraw from the company.

12. Never sit with your back to another, without asking to be excused.

13. It is as unbecoming for a gentleman to sit with legs crossed as it is a lady.

14. Never thrum with your fingers, rub your hands, yawn or sigh in public.

15. Loud laughter, loud talking, or other boisterous manifestations should be checked in the society of others, especially on the street and in public places.

16. When you are asked to sing or play in company, do so without being urged, or refuse in any way that shall be final; and when music is being rendered in company, show politelness to the musician by giving attention. It is very impolite to keep up a conversation. If you do not enjoy the music, keep silent.

17. You should never decline to be intorduced to anyone or all the guests at a party to which you have been invited.

18. To take small children or dogs with you on a visit of ceremony is altogether vulgar, though in visiting familiar friends, children are not objectionable.

 

[904]

Didn't read... I was just hoping for an appearance from the Victorian Thug

 

[Mountain]

Didn't read... I was just hoping for an appearance from the Victorian Thug

Same here

 

[Captain]

Most of it still holds true to this day in regards to social grace


but it's probably not for everyone

The first and best school of politeness, as of character, is always the home, where woman is the teacher. The manners of society at large are but the reflex of the manners of our collective homes, neither better nor worse.

Can somebody refute this with valid argument?

 

[BrothaZay]

Didn't read... I was just hoping for an appearance from the Victorian Thug

This

 

[Patriarch]

Couldn't even say the word leg , they preferred limb. They actually created table cloths to cover naked table limbs. Victorian era prudery >>

 

[Dada]

I have a friend who needs to read No. 4. *forwards*

 

[Angel On The Rag]

GOAT thread

 

[Captain]

Couldn't even say the word leg , they preferred limb. They actually created table cloths to cover naked table limbs. Victorian era prudery >>

Of course you can't agree with everything they represented ie disregard for the lower class, conspicous comsumption etc... but that's the beauty of history; you keep what worked and change what didn't,

no need to throw out the baby with the bath water

 

[Patriarch]

Of course you can't agree with everything they represented ie disregard for the lower class, conspicous comsumption etc... but that's the beauty of history; you keep what worked and change what didn't,

no need to throw out the baby with the bath water

How did you become interested in this era , my friend ?

 

[The Nigerian]

What a horrible existence.

 

[Emperor Sol]

Great thread if you actually take the time to read through it.

 

[Black_Jesus]

Ol tea party ass nikkas