ive been so deep into darkness , i had to covert into a zen way of thinking, and try to detach my from worldly desires..... it helps....not not in a good way, it just keep me detached and numb to failure...its not a positive thing, more like a neutral thing...it keeps me calm....i walk around feeling hollow....like a machine...ppl stare and i cant even muster up the energy to feel self conscious or even care ....I'm a shell
....i feel empty...i always have, since my teenage years ......ive been cursed with the ability to observe the world in a certain light...i don't know why...but i cant seem to find the good in anything....i just cant, even when i try...maybe I'm mentally ill? i don't really know...all I see is the wrong in society
I have big plans and even bigger obstacles standing in my way ..... I don't know how much longer I can fight, I feel weak sometimes, but continue to grind for something thtas not even guaranteed .....something that's totally unrealistic to the avg person but i don't have a plan b....so I'm in a weird space....I'm too much of a coward to kill myself, but at the same time i cant live the conventional 9 to 5 lifestyle....so i don't know .... i have no choice to succeed at what I do....I don't even love it anymore...once business is added to the mix, your passion for your craft dies...its not even fun anymore, but its the only thing that can change my life and others around me...I feel alot of pressure.....ppl tell me im talented but don't understand its something dark that drive me, its not because I love what I do
Im about to move soon, which is a plus.... im trying to succeed but also run away from past...and create a new life....hopefully this time I can make it right...but knowing self destructive me, ill probably fukk it up like I usually do....Im afraid of success, I feel like I was a born loser, trying to cheat my fate and flip my cards .. ...my self esteem was so low, the thought of me becoming something in this society was so far out of reach and took alot of soul searching and many battles to reverse it .... but im ready to go all out and not hold back...Im very confident and determined this time.... and have a wisdom my competitors probably never had to gain
Although folks poke fun at you, I get it.
As I was growing up, I got to witness people saying one thing but doing the opposite.
Dad left, mom was a wreck.
I was to become the son,the father, the adult and the protector at six years old.
Mom would lash out at me after she got home from work, dad would bring me around my stepbrother who would beat me up for fun.
He tried to be a parent from 70 miles away.
See him every other Saturday sometimes. For a few hours it would be why am I weak, why are my grades so low, you need to do this and it will all work etc etc etc.
My grades in school kept dropping and my dad's answer was that I was lazy. Never talked to me about anything. I quit everything I tried because I didn't feel good enough for anything.
Always told how smart I was but if you don't believe it, it's just words you know?
Then both your parents say your a disappointment, mom laughs at you when you say you are going to try to go to school, dad repeatedly tells you that you don't know enough to make an informed decision in life.
The pressure comes from you mainly. You really really don't want to disappoint yourself because you know you are your only shot.
I only played video games to zone out from my reality, so when folks say words like dreams and passions, I have no idea what they are talking about.
First girlfriend played mind games something fierce. She messed around with friends behind my back and made it my fault somehow. No father figure to set me straight. No real friends to talk to.
I spent a lot of time alone.
You know what? My world didn't end. I'm not dead. Which means that I still have time to turn it all around and show
myself that I'm worth something. I know I'm my only hope. So I've decided to drag myself to the finish line kicking and screaming. I want a positive legacy. It's time for me to get the love from myself that I deserve. Just like you deserve it from yourself
it will even come up in convos with my parents on some jokin shyt like " you supposed to bought me a house by now "
just talkin but not gonna lie even tho I'm good where I'm at for the average person, but however people want to take it I'm above average in damn near every aspect. I left so much shyt on the table.
