I swear to God if I don't make it happen in six months I'm killing myself. I cannot do this anymore. I just want to be alone, completely, or dead. I can't do this anymore. I'm going to hard as a motherfukker for six months and if shyt isn't kosher I'm riding my bike into oncoming traffic on 580.
I'm tired of feeling like shyt. I'm tired of people making me feel so weird when all I try to do is be positive. I'm tired of feeling like this and having to somehow blame myself for everything. I'm tired of being told how I feel is inappropriate and everybody's feelings are more important than mine. I'm tired of having to suck it up, while others are not expected to do the same. I'm tired of being treated like a criminal when all I do is work hard and contribute to my community.
I can't do this anymore, I really can't. 21 years of this is too much man. I can't anymore. I try to talk to people about my feelings and they're on their fukking phone, or I get the yeah yeah yeah bullshyt. When I ask for help I get lectures about how I fukked up. When I accomplish something I'm proud of I get called arrogant. Other people get celebrated. I get it, I'm not allowed to be happy or have self esteem.
This is going to be a long night. That part that hurts the most is knowing I have all the tools. I could OD, I could blow my brains out, I could do all of this right now. And it'd be a waste of all the work I've done to feel like normal or valuable. So I don't, but this feelings is a bit much to bare. The older I get, when it comes around, it comes around hard.
I can't tell a therapist because they'll lock my ass up for talking like this. I can't write the shyt down on paper because someone will read it and think I'm crazy. So I put here because writing this shyt out makes me feel better.
Every keystroke is a release of pressure. I've been seeing some demonic shyt lately. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I got to get these demons off me man.
The enemy within is the hardest to defeat. But I'm done fighting. I have no fight left in me, I am fukking exhausted. I'm tired of always having to forgive and deal with the racism, the discrimination, the unfair treatment, the hatred. 21 years of it and I've had enough of feeling like this everyday. Anytime I try to feel good about myself I'm told it's not okay.
So either I go completely rogue and knock it out in six months to where I'm on my own entirely, or I'm closing the chapter on this book. I've been treated as if I'm not allowed to occupy Earth I'll just leave. See everyone in hell.
Sometimes I wish dude would have been man enough to kill me. But he was too p*ssy and I beat his ass. I should have let him stab me to death. I should have let dude burn me alive. I could have been out this bytch a while ago without it looking like what it is. nikkas can't shoot straight. I didn't even move. I ain't scared to die. He just missed, and I fukked him up too.
I wish I OD'd all those nights I tried but my cardiovascular system is soccer strong. I feel like I'm supposed to be alive to do something. God has given me multiple chances. But I don't know anymore. This feeling is terrible. I hope God is with me because I need something right now.
Anything, as long as it's real. Please, please, please let me get a sign. I've never needed anything more in my life.