Yo, my boss told me I'm not aggressive enough about getting what I want. He's right, when I quit soccer I became aware of how different I am than other people. Sports made me aggressive, macho, shallow, stupid, and simple minded.
I've always had a lot of energy and when that is mixed with aggression I think it intimidates people and I make more enemies than friend.
I also take all criticism of me as law and I change or mask what I'm being criticized about. My mom told me I was fat, a bytch, had bad breath, wouldn't be shyt, was too skinny, was too sensitive, was too selfish, and a bunch of other shyt and I'm always pushing to make sure none of those things will ever true.
People said I couldn't keep a normal job and I have. People said I'm not organized enough to work in a kitchen. I proved them wrong. My first coach said I was too small. My second coach said I was too small. My third coach didn't believe black people were good at anything other than basketball. In fifth grade all the kids made fun of me because I was dark skinned. They told me God sat me too close to the fire. The whole class laughed, I didn't get the joke until my mom explained it to me.
Somebody said I'm too old to learn BMX. I'm learning BMX. My therapist said I wouldn't past 21, if I did I'd be homeless or a criminal, and I'd be lucky to know how to read and write.
fukk her, I'm going to live a long prosperous life just to prove her wrong.
I remember everything anyone has ever said about me. I think about it all the time. My mind is a battle field. It's my memories against my will.
I have memories of people talking shyt. Half of me agrees with them because I'm really not shyt and when I think I might be of value I'm reminded even at my most valuable I have no value.
The other half of my mind is on fukking fire. It's hard to explain. People often tell me I don't hold anything back. That's false. I give people 30% of me tops. I'm always holding back, always lying, always adjusting.
I don't like it but it's what I gotta do to survive.
I feel like my energy has no limit. I get more hyped when I'm tired. Not everybody is like that. I don't play it cool. If I'm excited I'm fukking stoked. I can't even be excited without someone talking shyt about how I excited I am.
My life really fukking sucks because I can't speak my mind to anyone and it's starting to bother me because I have a lot to say. I don't judge people because I ain't God. I let motherfukkers live B, and if they want to link up I'm with it.