Seriously I need some advice ladies, I can't get my wife & mom to get along.

[heart]

Are you the favorite or something? The youngest? Just because she has been a certain way for so long and other people allow her to talk to them that way doesn't make it right. It sounds like your mother needs to be put in her place. Once you are married your wife is the number 1 woman in your life. Your mom probably continues to do whatever because she feels like you never really say anything so it's ok. It has to come from YOU and you have to be firm. You can't say " *insert wifes name* was upset by what you said" or "My wife doesn't like the way you..." You have to use words like I, we, us, etc because y'all are a union, a team and it should offend/upset you that your mother treats you wife that way or hurts her.

If you don't insert youself into it, or put it all on your wife even while talking to your mom it won't matter. She will just brush it off as your wife doesn't like her and you really don't care. Children live the home to go be with their spouse. Your wife should have to stand up to YOUR mother. You can stand of for your wife and be respectful.




It is not even the wife pickering. In OP he says she is passive in public. The only bikering/fight they had was when it came to a boiling point. It sounds like the mother is constantly saying something to the wife then she is asking him to handle his mom. If he sits them down like they are both causing problems that will blow up in his face. If I was the wife I would be mad if I'm sat down to have a talk like I am causing issues when I only said something at my breaking point because my husband won't say anything. She would feel even more alone in the situation and her mother would get validation like she isn't the problem it's the wife or they are both the problem. He needs to talk to his mother.

I'm the second oldest. My wife asked me last night am I scared of my mom. I'm like what kinda question is that. NO, I just don't want her mad at me or my wife. But I've talked to her ad nasueum about this. My wife has been trying to get me to move to the west coast, but I wanna move back east but moving isn't the full answer. I just need to talk to moms but I know she will then say I'm siding with my wife but I am. That's MY wife. Hopefully she'll get it this time. I get to work today and got these white folks looking at me crazy wondering who was that screaming in the background when I got the call to come to moms house...smh, This can't happen again.

 

[Ello_Vee]

Damn, then she really is alone in this with you not setting your mom STRAIGHT (I would call that temporary change "curvy")

What you describe is your mom asserting her dominance over you.

When you tell your wife you are not afraid of your mom, but tell us you "don't want her mad at you or your wife...." If they were close to fisticuffs, you already there, my friend...
And being more concerned with your mom mad at you vs your wife?! Priorities.

 

[Taadow]

It is not even the wife pickering. In OP he says she is passive in public. The only bikering/fight they had was when it came to a boiling point.

...which means that this situation is heightened now, and things have changed.
She's not "passive in public" anymore.

It sounds like the mother is constantly saying something to the wife then she is asking him to handle his mom. If he sits them down like they are both causing problems that will blow up in his face.

"Saying something" is broad.
In this context, I understand it to mean the mother is saying something slick/disrespectful to the wife.
It may very well be that the mother is doing that. And if so, that is not cool.
But, maybe the mother isn't being disrespectful - maybe she's trying to help.

To illustrate - an example we get in this thread of the type of issue this is is when Ma and Grandma say something to his wife
about how she is breastfeeding. Now what was said or how it was said (which is important imo), we don't know.
But you know and I know Ma and Grandma have raised some babies so they know something about raising babies,
and they have a vested interest in how their grandchild/great grandchild is being raised.
So they're gonna offer input on how to "help" if they see something they think can be improved. That is NEVER gonna stop.

If I was the wife I would be mad if I'm sat down to have a talk like I am causing issues when I only said something at my breaking point because my husband won't say anything. She would feel even more alone in the situation and her mother would get validation like she isn't the problem it's the wife or they are both the problem. He needs to talk to his mother.

The threadstarter seems to be having these talks with his wife seperately and they aren't working.
And it seems he's talking with his mother seperately and they aren't working.
By all of them talking about this together, this SHOULD convey that one is not "being validated" over the other -
but that they are both contributing to this issue. A man should not have to come home from work because his wife
and mother are fighting. That ain't nothin' but mess.

 

[Colicat]

I'm the second oldest. My wife asked me last night am I scared of my mom. I'm like what kinda question is that. NO, I just don't want her mad at me or my wife. But I've talked to her ad nasueum about this. My wife has been trying to get me to move to the west coast, but I wanna move back east but moving isn't the full answer. I just need to talk to moms but I know she will then say I'm siding with my wife but I am. That's MY wife. Hopefully she'll get it this time. I get to work today and got these white folks looking at me crazy wondering who was that screaming in the background when I got the call to come to moms house...smh, This can't happen again.

Your mom doesn't need a talking to... she needs to experience consequences and rewards...

You need to show her what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not...

she wants to see the kids... it will be for 30 minutes at a public park (not her home, or your home)...

She needs to learn how to respect you and your wife... once she has started being cordial to your wife... then you move the meetings to a family lunch or dinner at restaurant.... again... neutral territory...

once both ladies are comfortable across the table from one another, then you can move the family time to your house... invite gradma over while both you and your wife are there... keep the visit short...

It seems like your mom is used to stampeding through your life... you have to put her on a short leash...

 

[live it to the limit]

The backstory is me & my wife have been together for about 9 years, been married for over two years, two kids, great careers, etc.. But her & my moms are ALWAYS into it.

My mom is a type A who always inserts her opinion and comes across very strong. My wife is passive in public but also very sensitive. So when my mom says something to her she doesn't like, I have to hear it from my wife and then I'm the bad guy if it's not perceived that I have her(wife) back.

Me and my wife got into this huge argument monday night because she said my mom disrespects her but doesn't do it to my brother's wives and that couldn't be further from the truth. My mom can be rude to everyone and tell people how she feels. During the argument I told my wife grow a backbone and stand up to my mom instead of telling me everything.

So she did that and I had to leave work yesterday because they were about to throw hands. I'm a pharmacist working 10 hour shifts at a hospital and it's very embarrasing to get a call on my WORK phone to leave work STAT because of an family emergency and I hear my wife & mom screaming in the background.

My wife claims I'm a mama's boy but my moms and grandma raised me & my brothers alone & I don't feel I should go against mom all the time but I do call her out on BS from time to time. I understand that when you're married you're wife & kids come first.

But I feel I'm just stuck in the middle and I don't want the two most important women in my world mad at me or each other.

Ladies or Gentleman have you ever had to deal with something like this? What is the best course of action I should take to make things better? Any feedback is appreciated. I'm all out of ideas.

It seems to me that your wife is trying her best to be respectful to your mother. Which is something that I would try to do. Maybe she feels bullied. Maybe you should try and talk to your mother about her treatment towards your wife because you may say that you want your wife to "grow a backbone " but you really don't want them fighting and disrespecting each other. I feel for your wife because as women there's nothing more stressful than loving a man and not getting along with his family

 

[Elle Driver]

Are you the favorite or something? The youngest? Just because she has been a certain way for so long and other people allow her to talk to them that way doesn't make it right. It sounds like your mother needs to be put in her place. Once you are married your wife is the number 1 woman in your life. Your mom probably continues to do whatever because she feels like you never really say anything so it's ok. It has to come from YOU and you have to be firm. You can't say " *insert wifes name* was upset by what you said" or "My wife doesn't like the way you..." You have to use words like I, we, us, etc because y'all are a union, a team and it should offend/upset you that your mother treats your wife that way or hurts her.

If you don't insert youself into it, or put it all on your wife even while talking to your mom it won't matter. She will just brush it off as your wife doesn't like her and you really don't care. Children leave the home to go be with their spouse. Your wife should have to stand up to YOUR mother. You can stand up for your wife and be respectful.




It is not even the wife pickering. In OP he says she is passive in public. The only bikering/fight they had was when it came to a boiling point. It sounds like the mother is constantly saying something to the wife then she is asking him to handle his mom. If he sits them down like they are both causing problems that will blow up in his face. If I was the wife I would be mad if I'm sat down to have a talk like I am causing issues when I only said something at my breaking point because my husband won't say anything. She would feel even more alone in the situation and her mother would get validation like she isn't the problem it's the wife or they are both the problem. He needs to talk to his mother.

I agree.

My husbands mom disrespected me on more than one occasion. I let it go the first two times, cause my husband is the only child and I didn't wanna get in between. I then let him know and he nipped that in the bud hella quick. But he kind of knew his mother capabilities and didn't try to play it down. He also knows that his role is a husband now although he's always has and always will be a son. You're establishing yourself as a father. You cannot let that behavior go on unchecked.

You have to stick up for her. That's your mother but your wife is your woman. She has to be respected.

 

[LimitedEdition]

For once I can say I agree with everyone in this thread! WOW!

Your mom does need to have consequences. Unless the grandkids are in danger or distress she can keep that rude "advice" to herself. Also encouraging ur wife to grow a backbone? It's different if she's getting bullied at work but in her own home by your mother? Cmon breh. You know your mama and you shoulda known how that was gonna play out.

This could be damaging or it could reinforce your marriage. Play this one well. Every woman wants to know her man has her back! Be her super hero. Women feel a sense of pride when we can say "Shiiiiiiiit! My man don't play about me!"

 

[Strapped]

tell moms to butt out

 

[Raava]

...which means that this situation is heightened now, and things have changed.
She's not "passive in public" anymore.

You are missing the point. Why should she be sat down and talked to after she had a reaction to a problem that she had been trying to get resolved the right way? Whose fault is it that she isn't passive anymore? His he told her to "grow a backbone" and she did. Its in the OP

"Saying something" is broad.
In this context, I understand it to mean the mother is saying something slick/disrespectful to the wife.
It may very well be that the mother is doing that. And if so, that is not cool.
But, maybe the mother isn't being disrespectful - maybe she's trying to help.

To illustrate - an example we get in this thread of the type of issue this is is when Ma and Grandma say something to his wife
about how she is breastfeeding. Now what was said or how it was said (which is important imo), we don't know.
But you know and I know Ma and Grandma have raised some babies so they know something about raising babies,
and they have a vested interest in how their grandchild/great grandchild is being raised.
So they're gonna offer input on how to "help" if they see something they think can be improved. That is NEVER gonna stop.

OP said his mother butts in and is rude when she is "saying something". He says she offers her unwanted opinion all the time to eveyone and it comes off harsh. It doesn't matter if she thinks its being helpful or not.

This turned into something bigger than it had to me because OP didn't nip it in the first place. It can stop if you don't allow it. Its either respect my family/wife or you will lose out.

The threadstarter seems to be having these talks with his wife seperately and they aren't working.
And it seems he's talking with his mother seperately and they aren't working.
By all of them talking about this together, this SHOULD convey that one is not "being validated" over the other -
but that they are both contributing to this issue. A man should not have to come home from work because his wife
and mother are fighting. That ain't nothin' but mess.

Again, You keep on addressing this like they are both causing the issue when they aren't. One needs to be validated over the other the wife because she is the one being wronged and disrespected by his mother. The mother is the issue not the wife so she needs to be sat down/talked to/put in her place. You are making the husband the victim and in his OP he is not even claiming that. A wife she not have to almost come to blows with her mother in law because instead of standing up for her, the husband told her to confront his mother

 

[TLR Is Mental Poison]

My mom stays in close proximity to us. But why is it on me to be in control? At the end of the day as grown women, shouldn't they be able to hash out their differences?

BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN.

 

[Taadow]

You are missing the point. Why should she be sat down and talked to after she had a reaction to a problem that she had been trying to get resolved the right way? Whose fault is it that she isn't passive anymore? His he told her to "grow a backbone" and she did. Its in the OP

It's her "fault" if she lost her cool to where she isn't passive anymore.
You can "grow a backbone" and still not come to almost blows with someone.

OP said his mother butts in and is rude when she is "saying something". He says she offers her unwanted opinion all the time to eveyone and it comes off harsh. It doesn't matter if she thinks its being helpful or not.

This turned into something bigger than it had to me because OP didn't nip it in the first place.

It's too late to dwell on that, because it's been going on for 9 years.
At this point, you have to focus on what to do going forward.

It can stop if you don't allow it. Its either respect my family/wife or you will lose out.

Well then basically you and I agree.
Which is why I said he should let them know what he isn't going to allow from them.

Again, You keep on addressing this like they are both causing the issue when they aren't.

Who's "causing" the issue is water under the bridge, because both of them are "prolonging" it.
The objective here is to stop that.

 

[mcdivit85]

I take a different approach on this. Your life is ran by these two women, which is wrong on both ends. From a self-centered POV, you need to get this corrected.

Not for your mom. Not for your wife. But for you, so you can function as you need for work and in the home.

I do agree that it sounds like your mom has no boundaries. That's fine when you live under her roof and her rules. But you have your own now and need to act like it.

I also agree that there needs to be rewards and consequences for her behavior and those need to be imposed asap.

Peace

 

[Ashley Banks]

how you gonna tell your wife to grow a backbone? wtf that's what you're there for. Tell your mom to stop starting shyt.

 

[Raava]

It's her "fault" if she lost her cool to where she isn't passive anymore.
You can "grow a backbone" and still not come to almost blows with someone.





It's too late to dwell on that, because it's been going on for 9 years.
At this point, you have to focus on what to do going forward.



Well then basically you and I agree.
Which is why I said he should let them know what he isn't going to allow from them.



Who's "causing" the issue is water under the bridge, because both of them are "prolonging" it.
The objective here is to stop that.

 

[.༼-◕_◕-༽.]

I hope you got this straight homeboy. Sounds like your Mom is bugging. And I don't blame your wife for forgoing family gatherings. YOUR WIFE DOES NOT FEEL SAFE AROUND YOUR MOTHER. Let that sink in. Your Mom should be terrified of offending your wife, not YOU terrified of offending your Mom. Once you're 18, you're a grown azz man and you gots to get off your Momz tiddy. You shouldn't give ONE SINGLE SOLITARY FUCC what your Mom and Grandma think. You have your OWN family now and you are teaching your children what a MAN is supposed to be.
Only room for ONE woman in your life. This mealy mouthed middle of the road shyt is NOT productive for any parties involved. Stand up and let your Moms know, she's got to chill.