Odysseus is the GOAT scumbag in ancient literature Part 1
- Thread starter Mister Terrific
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Finally, it’s time for Part 4 of the worst story ever told and the greatest scumbag of all time
So last we left our honorable and forthright hero he had taken a journey to the underworld to speak with prophet Tiresias. Who was Tiresias? Tiresias had been walking along one day when he spotted two snakes clapping cheeks. Not thinking anything of it Tiresias smacked the snakes with a stick. Hera wife of Zeus became enraged and punished Tiresias by turning him into a woman. Tiresias lived as a woman for 7 years, and got married and had a child.
Tiresias…a was walking along again one day and found some more snakes fukking, and this time he left turn alone and Hera changed him back into a man. How did he become a prophet? Well Hera and Zeus had an argument about which, male or female, has the most pleasure from sex. So to settle the argument they ask Tiresias since he had experience as both. Tiresias says that “of the 10 parts of pleasure, the man gets only 1.” This pissed of Hera again because Zeus was clapping cheeks all over creation and she blinded him. Zeus felt pity on Tiresias and granted him the ability of seeing the future. So Odysseus is tasked with speaking with the now dead prophet to find a way home.1. Odysseus spoke with the shade of Tiresias and asked him how he can get home. Tiresias confirms to Achilles that Poseidon is on his ass for blinding his son the cyclops. However, Odysseus is fated to ultimately return home, his men making it home is a different story. All Odysseus has to do is continuing sailing as normal but a long the way he will come upon an island where the god Helios keeps a herd of sacred Cows. He must make sure his men don’t touch those cows or Zeus will strike his ship down. He will then have to get home as a stank ass beggar and various suites would be courting his wife Penelope. By now the magic blood to speak to the dead was running out and Odysseus was once again swarmed by thousands of undead shades, moaning unnerving sounds, clawing at Odysseus and the blood for just a taste of their former lives. Odysseus beat it out of the underworld finally, leaving behind the great heroes who had conquered Troy and decided that being a chump to the Gods was far better than being dead.
2. Odysseus then went back to Circe with his new knowledge and Circe gave Odysseus the path home. He would have to pass through a strait where on one side was a massive whirlpool monster named Charybdis and on the other side a giant 6 headed monster named Scylla that his so large it can pluck whales out of the water. It’s favorite meal however was ships sailors and Odysseus being the dumbfukk he is asks if he can fight this monster that eats whales like chips. Circe looking at Odysseus like this
says “no you dumb fukk it eats whales”. She tells him that if he gets too close to the whirlpool he will be killed as he will be sucked down to the ocean floor and spit out again, but if he passes closer to Scylla only 6 men will be taken. Although, before that Odysseus contend with the Sirens. Sirens in the story of the Odyssey weren’t offering sex and company like in most narratives but something far far more important. Circe let’s him know that all they can do is place bees wax in their ears do they can’t hear the Sirens song. Odysseus of course being the GOAT scumbag isn’t content with merely passing a long, he wants to hear the song of course. So Circe tells him to have his men lash him to the mast so he can hear the song but not escape to his doom.
3. So Odysseus lashed to his ship and his men with bees wax in their here’s finally come upon the land of the Sirens. On the island the men could see the rotting corpses of dead men and the Sirens began to sing. Now again the Sirens weren’t singing about sex or any base desires but the most important thing to a man, the meaning of life. See the Sirens were calling out to Odysseus that they could tell him why he was sent to Troy, why he had came away victorious, why the events of his life had played out so. The Sirens knew everything, the will of the Gods, the games they played, the past, future, present of every living being on the planet both living and dead. So you could imagine the most unduly arrogant scumbag in history wanted infinite knowledge do he cried and screamed and nearly tore his skin off trying to get free. His men being unable to hear the song and seeing the other seekers of infinite knowledge rotting in the shores must have looked at their steadfast leader finally as the moron he was.
After this ordeal was completed they finally made their way near Charybdis and Scylla. Now I will forgive Odysseus here. He knew that 6 of his men were certain to die. However if he told them about Scylla they would row closer to Charybdis and they would all die. Still, as Scylla grabbed 6 of Odysseus men and began to chow down Odysseus hilariously grabbed his sword and armor and stood on the prow of his ship and challenged Scylla to a fight. To Scylla viewpoint it must have looked something like this
4. Odysseus men finally come upon and island Tiresias warned Odysseus about. Odysseus warn out and completely broken at this point, finally has a good idea on his own. Let’s go around the island as if they land it is obvious the God’s plans and yet God’s want Odysseus to suffer and his men are hardly consequential in that pursuit. Odysseus men by now are also worn out and tired from rowing and a respite on the island is just what the doctor ordered. Odysseus despite being the captain and king was overruled. Odysseus and his men landed. The men then encountered the herd of Helios sacred cows, and Odysseus this time told his men to not eat the cows or else. Just then the skies opened up and a torrential down pour came down trapping then men in the island.
Weeks passed. Odysseus and his men began to grow hungry. The sacred cows suddenly looked like walking Big Macs
. At this critical moment our stalwart hero falls asleep again. He blames the gods insinuating they put a spell over him. But we know the truth. *Skip Bayless* voice “the Chosen one became the Frozen one!”Odysseus men grabbed the sacred cows owned by a god, chopped them up, bbqed them up, roasted, cooked, stewed. It was a feast brehs! Only thing is, these were immortal cows. Suddenly the slabs of beef began to move and tremble and groan. A pile of entrails began to crawl across the ground moaning. A side of ribs roasting above a fire began to cry and wail. The men so enamored with their feast didn’t see any of this. Odysseus woken from his slumber did, and as he came down to try and talk sense of his men, all he heard was mooing and screaming coming from his mens bellies.
Part 5 coming soon…
In they stomach breh…
Lootha VanDraws
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