the thoughts that run through your head 
truthfully my experience is limited so Im not gonna act like I could handle my shyt in any circumstancdesI mean.. .you can't die
Even when I had bad trips, I knew I was tripping and would eventually make it out of it but the visuals
Shyt was like being stuck in a virtual reality simulator that you knew wouldn't cut off until a few hours had passed
You trynna get him to kill himself?
Good riddance.
Let me kick some real shyt to you, youngin.
You don't KNOW apathy & existentialism until you're locked in a cage, the jail UNDER the jail (aka the hole) for swingin on a C.O. who wouldn't let you into your own cell to take a shyt. Then subsequently for six months having to be chained through a slot in the door by turning your back to it, backing up to it, squatting down and sticking your wrists out as they're jerked and twisted to the delight of 18-30 year old fukk boys with badges that are irrelevant outside of a jail facility. Then, to have the door opened, stand up, have both legs shackled, a leash put on them, and get walked to a caged single shower, by an officer on each side, and one behind you with a taser w/an infared beam pointed at your spine. Only to repeat the door/shackle process at the shower once you're locked in, and left there for an hour soaking wet in cold, dreadfully itchy, untreated water. Repeat the process again, to get OUT, escorted back to your cell, and yep...Legs unshackled, door closed, wrists through the door, and back into the 8ft. x 10 ft. box with no windows or sunlight you go.
For six months straight, no telephone, no mail, no television, books, radio, visitation, and oh...Did I forget to mention you're only brought to the shower Tuesdays and Thursdays, and that there's an overgrowth of mold, mildew, and dust shooting out of an unreachable air vent inside your cell? So if you're allergic to any of those things (as I found out I was), prepare to deal with an allergic reaction that spawns the worst infection (eye infection) you've had in your life. Where you can't see a damn thing out of one eye, and it becomes so swollen and filled with regenerating puss, that the only way you can feel comfortable is to wash your hands, and stick a WHOLE finger up under your eyelid (because now it can fit in there -- with EASE), and scoop the sticky, thick yellow gunk out. All while in blinding pain because any movement with your eye, or that causes your eye to move (like turning your head or reading) sends ungodly migranes shooting through your entire face.
When sending medical requests by papwerwork, to see a doctor...through the (what takes FOREVER) normal protocol turns into banging on the door with your hands and feet for hours, screaming for medical attention, then into cursing out officers, which grows into TRYING the officers next time you're shackled up, getting your ass beat WHILE shackled up, then being back at square one sleeping on a two inch thick beat up yoga mat on a concrete floor in the wintertime, and not knowing who, if anyone in your family has passed, gotten robbed, beat, killed, raped, or hurt...When you fear losing a fukking eye, and quite possibly your life, with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do about it...you don't know the depth of the term "existentialism".
I was your age, 20, when I went to prison. A week before my 21st b-day to be exact. Came home a few months before my 25th. This was just ONE experience in my 4 year stay with the Department of Corrections that changed my whole outlook on the universe. And as bad as it hurt. The agony, stress, fear, wondering, abandonment, betrayal, loss, and regret that that put me through...with all that, I still would train the learning experience and motivation for NOTHING.
The world is YOURS. Literally yours. Not your family's not your girls, not your friend's but YOURS. Of course you should love, support, and respect these people with all your heart, but no one knows your internal battles, and regardless of how close you are with ANYONE, you live, and die...alone. There is absolutely no reason to sit back in apathetic ponderance at the age you're at, with the opportunity and experiences life has laid before you. I didn't set foot on my first college campus until after I came home. But if I ran across you in real life, not only would I smack the shyt out of you and make you pick the pieces up, I'd convince you that there's a lot more to life than what your apathetic mind allows you to see.
youre absolutely right. Ive had it easy. but the thing is, I understand & respect this. Im not some mopey suburban kidLet me kick some real shyt to you, youngin.
You don't KNOW apathy & existentialism until you're locked in a cage, the jail UNDER the jail (aka the hole) for swingin on a C.O. who wouldn't let you into your own cell to take a shyt. Then subsequently for six months having to be chained through a slot in the door by turning your back to it, backing up to it, squatting down and sticking your wrists out as they're jerked and twisted to the delight of 18-30 year old fukk boys with badges that are irrelevant outside of a jail facility. Then, to have the door opened, stand up, have both legs shackled, a leash put on them, and get walked to a caged single shower, by an officer on each side, and one behind you with a taser w/an infared beam pointed at your spine. Only to repeat the door/shackle process at the shower once you're locked in, and left there for an hour soaking wet in cold, dreadfully itchy, untreated water. Repeat the process again, to get OUT, escorted back to your cell, and yep...Legs unshackled, door closed, wrists through the door, and back into the 8ft. x 10 ft. box with no windows or sunlight you go.
For six months straight, no telephone, no mail, no television, books, radio, visitation, and oh...Did I forget to mention you're only brought to the shower Tuesdays and Thursdays, and that there's an overgrowth of mold, mildew, and dust shooting out of an unreachable air vent inside your cell? So if you're allergic to any of those things (as I found out I was), prepare to deal with an allergic reaction that spawns the worst infection (eye infection) you've had in your life. Where you can't see a damn thing out of one eye, and it becomes so swollen and filled with regenerating puss, that the only way you can feel comfortable is to wash your hands, and stick a WHOLE finger up under your eyelid (because now it can fit in there -- with EASE), and scoop the sticky, thick yellow gunk out. All while in blinding pain because any movement with your eye, or that causes your eye to move (like turning your head or reading) sends ungodly migranes shooting through your entire face.
When sending medical requests by papwerwork, to see a doctor...through the (which even uaually takes FOREVER) normal protocol turns into banging on the door with your hands and feet for hours, screaming for medical attention, then into cursing out officers, which grows into TRYING the officers next time you're shackled up, getting your ass beat WHILE shackled up, thrown back in your cell and being back at square one, sleeping on a two-inch-thick beat up blue yoga mat on a concrete floor in the wintertime, and not knowing who, if anyone in your family has passed, gotten robbed, beat, killed, raped, or hurt...When you fear losing a fukking eye, and quite possibly your life, with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do about it...you don't know the depth of the term "existentialism".
I was your age, 20, when I went to prison. A week before my 21st b-day to be exact. Came home a few months before my 25th. This was just ONE experience in my 4 year stay with the Department of Corrections that changed my whole outlook on the universe. And as bad as it hurt. The agony, stress, fear, wondering, abandonment, betrayal, loss, and regret that that put me through...with all that, I still would train the learning experience and motivation for NOTHING.
The world is YOURS. Literally yours. Not your family's not your girls, not your friend's but YOURS. Of course you should love, support, and respect these people with all your heart, but no one knows your internal battles, and regardless of how close you are with ANYONE, you live, and die...alone. There is absolutely no reason to sit back in apathetic ponderance at the age you're at, with the opportunity and experiences life has laid before you. I didn't set foot on my first college campus until after I came home. But if I ran across you in real life, not only would I smack the shyt out of you and make you pick the pieces up, I'd convince you that there's a lot more to life than what your apathetic mind allows you to see.
