Unsolicited advice from someone who is semi experienced feel free to ignore completely but the preview reads more like a comic than prose. Combined with your art I assume you've made, you should go full on in that direction
take it or leave it
thx for the advise I enjoy constructive criticism... when i first set out to write the story I just wanted to describe an action movie in my head, from my fingers to the pages. working on the second novel
Gotta find that artist looking to bring my work to life...