This is what I think about this episode:
Ok TSC, I don't know who is gonna get to watch Impact tonight due to the Viacom/Direct TV fiasco but I know The Coli is not gonna let us down with the links. Highlights of The Greatest Man That Ever Lived dethroning The Greatest Heavyweight Champion TNA Ever Had... after 89 months (it seemed that long) Austin Aries beats Robert Roode to become NEEEEEEEEWWWWWW TNA Heavyweight Champion. Now along with Samoa Joe's submission defeat of Kurt Angle to becoming the point leader of the TSC Series it makes you question is the Roode vs Storm rematch at Bound For Glory still gonna happen or are they gonna move into a new direction... this is the type of mystery that I miss about wrestling, good job TNA.
GOODDAMN at what Christie Hemme is wearing, she announces the first match: The Anything Goes Match bewteen Bully Ray vs Joesph Park. So apparently Bully Ray has a restraining order on Abyss: my question is how you gonna have a restraigning order on Abyss making him not allowed to come to the Impact Zone if ABYSS WORKS AT THE IMPACT ZONE?! That's like telling Ronald McDonald not to come to McDonalds but I digress. Bully Ray punking out Joseph early in this match while Mike Tenay begging people to go to someone's house that has cable with Spike Tv... come to The Coli people. Damn Bully is tweeting while wrestling, that's some old school heel shyt like Jerry Lawler doing commentary during one of his matches. This match reminds me of the end fight on the movie Three o'Clock High with some simp as nerd fighting for his life against a mean ass bully... it's a good movie, Netflix it people. Aw shyt... thumb tacks are comming into play, you could never pay me enough to get slammed on those. Cheese gratter to the nuts then the kendo stick shot to the dome... a good combo by Joesph. OH shyt JOESPH SLAMS BULLY ON THE TACKS, Fat Brendan Frazier got heart. Bully uses his pocket chain upside Joseph's face for the win.
Jpseph is busted open by the chain shot and it got Joseph in a trance... BLACK HOLE SLAM! Yep now they got Joseph Park doing a Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde gimmick now but it got my curiosity to see where this leads. Commerical of Breaking Bad starring Heisenberg DA GAWD, I can't wait to watch this sunday... wait is Money In The Bank this sunday as well... honestly I'm watching Breaking Bad this sunday fukk WWE. Backstage Bully Ray looking shooked, he should be shooked since Bully has 0 points in the BFG Series. A lovely pan'up of Sweet Hemme as she announces point leader Samoa Joe to fight against Rob Van Dam who only has 7 points. Maybe it's just me but this tournament this year feels so lopsided, at this point half of the people in this tournament have NO CHANCE of winning either due to having low to no points or their name is Robbie E. Then you have guys like Magnus and Pope where I've only seen once fighting for points so the BFG Series this year seems weird. Meanwhile Joe in this match is going for nothing but submissions while RVD is barely surviving. Joe got RVD in a Figure Four Heel Hook but RVD counters into a cradle pin for the 7 point win for 5th Place.
Footage of fake ass paparazzi talking to crackhead Clair Lynch like we give a fukk... which we dont, damn it's amazing how they fukk this storyline up. Kaz and Daniels without an appletini comes out while they show highlights of Daniel and AJ Styles destroying each other at Destination X. Daniels is salty as hell so he's calling out pregnant ex-fiend Clair Lynch out and she waddles her pregnant ass out. AJ Styles comes out... hey he has his hip hop version of his theme again hell yes! Oh shyt... AJ Styles is the father! (cues "Dey Know" by Shawty Lo on the stereo) So let me get this straight: christian god loving AJ Styles father of 3 kids happily married to a wonderful wife just decides to raw dog a ex-crackhead... not even The Coli poster Skeetsinternal can defend this action. Between this storyline and the True Blood love affair between AJ/D-bry/Punk I'm witnessing wrestling's version of Twilight... and it sucks but to be fair the real version of Twilight sucks as well.
Anderson talking about a so-called rivarly between himself and Kurt Angle, I'll admit he had a good cage match with Angle years ago. Highlights of the returning Jesse Sorensen and a ethering promo by Zema Ion leading to Zema winning the Ultimate X Match to become the NNNEEEEEEEWWWWW X-Division Champion. Zema keeps repeating "Jackasses Don't Run With Race Horses" sounds like he's trying to get a t-shirt made. Dakota Dawsow mad as hell because Jesse is his best friend so he's gonna put a hurting against Zema in this next match. Damn Dakota is mad as hell beating Zema (as Jim Ross) "like a government mule". Damn Zema hits Dakota with a Gory Bomb for the win, damn he hits Dakota with a modified armbreaker stretch to injured him, THEN cuts another etherous promo against Jesse just to fukk with him.
The NNEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW (a theme all night) World Heavyweight Champion Austin Aries being the first man to cash in his X-Division Title Money in the Bank contract to win the title. I must say with Aries's victory along with CM Punk currently holding the WWE Title for 7 plus months and Daniel Bryan going into Wrestlemania as World Heavyweight Champion, ROH Alumni has been reigning supreme this year in 2012. Goddamn at Austin's crowd control, more wrestlers of today needs to learn how to do that as well. HAHA at Aries shouting out Punk "on the low", Aries talks about a new boom period wrestling being led off by him, and I must say this business needs a new boom period desperately. Da Champ.... I mean former champ Robert Roode comes out looking shooked as hell not being champion any more. Roode is shaking looks thirsty as hell for the TNA Championship like TSC is thirsty for AJ and Eve Torres and Christie Hemme's buttholes. Roode is screaming "YOU!" and pointing more than Soulja Boy singing "Superman Dat Hoe". The old gawd is calling the new gawd a fluke, the rematch at Hardcore Justice is going to be epic.
Old dogs Sting and Hogan talking about Sting's attackers, TV Champion Devon fresh not having a match tonight (like he's supposed to do since he's Television Champion) and that b*stard Garrett Bischoff offering to have Sting's back... why are they adding Garrett to this? Highlights of Madison Rayne throwing the moist puss at Earl Hebner, this must be the reward for screwing Bret. Madam Brooke Hogan comes out for commentary for the Knockout Championship match between Gail Kim vs Brooke Tessmacher. Scust at this dikk-sucking fest on commentary for Ho Kogan and Brooke Hogan... on shyt did they say Tessmacher gonna be at Comic Con? *sets DVR to G4 Attack of the Show tomorrow* Crotch and ass shots by award winning TNA camera men, bless you gentlemen. Gail going for her Foot Stunner from the top rope but gets shoved off.... HBK Top Rope Elbow Drop by Tessmacher for the win and retains her title. Looking at the replay the elbow drop looked more Shane McMahon like. *plays "Here Comes The Money" Shane McMahon theme on the stereo*
I don't know who is this new paparazzi guy they got stalking wrestlers backstage but he's annoying. Clair saying she wants AJ Styles to "do the right thing" meaning she wants his paycheck. The only time I've seen a pregnant angle done properly in wrestling was in ECW with Beaulah, Kimona, Raven, Shane Douglas and Tommy Dreamer, seriously youtube that up that was a fun angle. The main event and a BFG Series Match, a$$hole Anderson vs Kurtis Angle. A pretty good match between the two, they got good chemistry witch each other. Angle counters a second Mic Check to an Angle Slam for the 7 point victory putting him at 3rd Place. Boss Hoegan tells Roode he gets his rematch at Hardcore Justice but Roode wants him sooner and Open Fight Night is next week so the main event next week is Roode vs Aries.
Hall of Famer Sting comes out with his baseball bat because he remembers that ass-whooping he got the last time we seen him on television. Stings calls out his backup Ho Kogan... and he's not showing up. Sting calls him out again... and he still not coming out. The Dixietron shows Brooke Hogan crying over a bloodied Hogan in his office screaming "Back the fukk back!", meanwhile 5 masked men looking like the band Hollywood Undead is jumping Sting on the ramp as the show ends. This Impact was a good one, way better than Raw starring Annonymous General Manager Hornswoogle. Seriously if you are one of the few that don't get Spike Tv anymore please get the download links from THEREALBRAND, don't forget to tip with green rep points. I'm out... but not like Frank Ocean, I mean see yall next week.
