''Ive never been sure if I wanted to have children. Luckily, this plane just landed so ridiculously hard, the decision has been made for me.''
''Every time I eat chips whilst standing in between an open fridge door, my dog looks at me with eyes that scream This is why youre single.
''Thanks to this hot gym, Ive learned you can get underboob sweat even if you dont have boobs. That what Id call a lose-lose, Mother Nature''
''Normally Im not traditional at all, but in this case I want them to get married, have babies, and ride off into the sunset.''
''Haha no people, that is not code for Ill be drinking tonight. Ive never had a drink or drug in my life. Morals and intelligence, friends.''
''I got recognized by employees at the supermarket and Walgreens today. Very nice meeting them, but now I have nowhere to buy tampons.''