Okay. I'm fighting myself internally right now. The way between the light and dark aspects of myself when it comes to people in general
The good me wants to help people, volunteer, and etc.
The shadow self me wants to give people as much misery and pain that I've experienced from other people and makes me want to terrorize other people by any means necessary whether it's cursing them out, punching them in the face, throwing water or pee at them, insulting them, giving them hell and shyt. Anything except killing them. 50 cent said it kill them while they're still breathing.
I can't even explain myself
seriously but this emotional seesaw shyt is annoying.
I can't be around people like that because my mind gets fukked up. I don't have it in me. I wish i did but
. I'm trying to get myself mentally prepared to be around other people again in the next hour or because as I said, I'm tired of having to deal with people. Tired of having to figure people out. Misreading facial expressions and misreading people. shyt is torture. Having to not feel insulted or slighted when other people talk to me. Having to be self aware of myself around other people and still being asked questions even when I try to do everything I can to not get attention. Even that is not enough. I'm worried about being bothered by other people being around them because I don't want to bothered. I'm tired of people hurting me and making me angry and shyt. Tired of feeling like the loner or awkward person in the room where I feel like I shouldn't be there. Tired of being paranoid and on some defensive shyt. I like to isolate myself because I just get stressed being around other people. Look at how I am with yall. I'm also tired of people misunderstanding me too. I don't even feel like talking because I have to repeat myself or people don't understand me because of how I talk. My voice gets low, I mispronouncate my words sometimes and etc. It's like I expect the worst to happen and usually does. I try to be optimistic but you know what... that hope gets crushed so that's why I keep my fukk you attitude. It explains how I really feel, like absolute hell but with emotional numbness. Just imagine having intense high and lows emotionally and not having anyway to express it like you can't get it out of you because your brain prevents you from releasing it out so I just suffer and act like everything is cool just to not make matters worse.
And I'm not even going to talk about the frustrations with myself but I won't do that here because people will use that shyt against you despite you acknowledging your issues. It's like damn..... I'm fighting my mind and my body to be focused because I can't control both it seems. I spend a lot of time with my thoughts as bothersome as it can be at times. That's not the hard part. It's easy because I've always done that. The hardest part is having to be around other people as I am and having to deal with that shyt. It's uncomfortable. My mind overworks.
It's crazy because i shouldn't even be thinking this way. Might be social anxiety but man, I'm not ready to go outside and be around other people right now.