I don't know how I keep going but I do. I was hating my life and myself until I looked in my driveway. I'm having work done on my Murk. I paid for a flatbed to take it to the mechanic for me. It's running, I just don't want to drive it. My BMX is going to the shop. I'm waiting on a package of hand made clothing. I paid my rent, and I'm considering buying another bike and a Ducati.
I know they're material possessions, but I have everything I ever wanted in life. It's crazy to me when I think about where I started life. I should be content, but I want more out of life.
There's level to the game. I have problems that appear to big to me, but to someone who lives with their parents would kill to have my problems. Somebody who doesn't have a car would love to have my problems. Somebody who isn't healthy enough to cycle ten miles a day would love to have my problems. Somebody who's never looked good in their life would kill to my have my problems. Somebody who's never felt the high quality of fabrics on their skin would kill to have my problems.
I gotta count my blessing before I complain. It's hard because I want the whole fukking world. They told me when I was a kid I could be anything I want to be, they fukked up, because I believe it, and I want to be everything. People been telling me I could be the president since I was a kid. Not on some, we're all equal shyt, but on some you're exceptionally talented shyt. I didn't realize how exceptional I was until I failed at a bunch of shyt. I got close to the top of some things on my own. No school, no network, all hustle.
When I was young I'd charge into shyt. Now that I'm old I know to study the game and wait until I'm ready. Things that used to take me years take months. I used to approach life like a wealthy person or a physically gifted athlete. I was letting my talent do all the work, now I'm working my talents.
People say stupid shyt like, "everybody is blessed." Naw, that's not true. I'm fukking blessed. I should be dead as fukk or in jail waiting to die. I'm cursed too. I got angels watching me because of my inner demons. I think God tests her most beautiful creations. Adam and Eve for example.
Ego is tricky, it's needed to reach full potential, but if ego becomes oversized it can destroy the host.
Civilians are lucky because they don't feel the need to be great. They just want their bills paid. I wish it could be that simple for me, but it never will be. They don't want to accomplish anything, they just want to be okay. As much as I want my kids to be able to explore as I did, I'd rather be civilians. Because the battles they'll have to fight for wanting to be great might destroy them. It will change them, that's inevitable, and I don't know if greatness is worth that.
For me, the answer is yes because I'm ten toes down, so I can't pull out now.
Saw my momma yesterday. She was pissed, lol, but IDGAF, she gotta see me whether she's mad at me or not. By the time I left she loved me again. I don't play that shyt. if I love someone I'm going to be around when I can be. I rarely get to see the people I love, which is why they're pissed, so when I have time I spend time with them. My mom and I watched the news and talked politics. We've been doing that since I was 9 years old. I'm 30 now.
She told I'm looking good, that made me smile, my momma is quick to tell me when I look like shyt.