Most of my life I lived by a code. One rule in the code doesn't allow me to make apologies. This year I read about forgiveness and resolution. I reached out to people I hurt and apologized. I even reached out to people I felt bad for. fukk that shyt, though I think it's a healthy exercise to examine one's past actions and resolve conflicts. Whether they are internal or interpersonal conflicts, examination leads to greater understanding of one's self.
I scare myself. I've meditated a lot this year, I've prayed, and taken spirituality and growth seriously. I realized something about myself that makes me uncomfortable. It's beautiful too, but scary. Looking myself in the mirror is scary. Being honest with myself is scary. It's also liberating to know I can see my demons. Eastern philosophy discusses balance in nature being representative of the balance of the human spirit.
People talk about it a lot because it's a simple concept to arrive at and the concept's original value has diminished because of it.
Until I examined my true self, my higher being, I didn't understand the original value of the concept although I spoke the words. Today, right now, in this stream of consciousness, this hyper-clarity I'm experiencing allows me to understand the original value of duality. Some ideologies simplify it into good or evil. Others refer to it as left and right brain. There are different titles for it, but the concepts at their core are focused on balance of the human spirit.
What scares me about the balance of my spirit is the difficulty I experience while trying to maintain balance. I don't know if it's this hard for everyone else, I think it is because difficulty is subjective. Hard is hard regardless of the activity it's describing. feel me?
The more I learn about my spiritual identity and it's relationship with experiences and other conscious beings. The more I realize I have so much spiritual force in me. It's hard to describe. I know the energy isn't me. This sounds crazy, but I am a vessel for many things given how sensitive I am. It isn't an emotional sensitivity it's a general sensitivity to energy. We are all vessels, hosts to energies. There isn't one kind of energy in the world.
We are not all equal hosts. It's not a value thing, it's a sensitivity thing. View people as houses, and energies are furniture. A house with a big ass fukking door and living room is going to have bigger grander furniture. All houses have furniture but the furniture is different in every house depending on the size of the house.
Everything carries energy. The same can be said about experiences. Naturally memories have energy. Being a sensitive kid made me a callous young man. Reawakening my sensitive nature has exposed me to energies I've avoided that either exists in or around me. My spiritual identity has redefined my personality and given me virtues. Through acceptance of feelings and energies I live experiences. Some are my own and reliving them is tough. Given my spiritual identity it's hard to remove myself from that experience because of the intensity of the energy associated with it. It's quite overwhelming at times.
Feeling is exhausting to me. I swear to God it makes me physically exhausted and I fall asleep. People have always told me being sensitive is bad. I agreed for most of my life because it's fukking hard to be sensitive. I realize it's not bad, it's challenging, and people like to simplify things.
Simplifying someone's identity is not cool. We all have the right to be ourselves. On this quest to simplify the human experience and people's identities we mute energies and feelings we need to experience to be healthy. One's physical health isn't indicitive of their spritual health, which is their true health. The body dies and the spirit endures, so what needs to be healthier? Ponder that.
Being spiritually healthy can only be achieved by me being transparent with myself, regardless of how it makes me feel, it'll eventually benefit me to be aware of what's going on with me. Because that's who I really am and what's really going on. What I see in front of me is not real. My physical form is not real and the plane we choose to interact in is not real. The challenge is managing these energies, feelings, and experiences associated with them because they're intense. I get better at managing it all as I age, but it gets more intense as I age due to my spiritual health increasing.
Sometimes I read things that make me so sad I don't want to leave my room for days because I can't escape the energy and feelings of what I read. It's wild. I get stuck in that moment because I need to figure out why. It's not good but it is too. It's not good to live in energies, feelings, and memories that drag me down, but it is healthy to be aware of those things, and how they affect my true self. On the other end of that I can read something that makes me want to hug everyone and forgive my enemies.
The virtues I learned over the past two or three years of my life are more important to me than anything that isn't real. Not all things I can touch are real. And not everything I feel is real.
Transparency is a virtue I value in myself. I have to be transparent with myself because if I can see through me I can see all the other bullshyt going on in this world and within other beings.
Empathy and sympathy are virtues I value because without those things I become disconnected from energies that I need to maintain balance. I also become unaware of myself, which is dangerous.
Being nonjudgemental of people is a virtue I value. I judge actions not people. Actions are bad, people are not bad. People do bad things, people are not bad. No person should be defined by their worst behavior, it isn't fair because it isn't honest. No person, no being can be defined by one moment. Or even a handful of moments. Or one hundred fukking moments.
People should be judged on their entire life, which is the sum of all their deeds. That is the value of a human being. The sum of everything they've done with a life. I'm not in a position to judge anyone because I don't know their entire life, unless they're dead and famous, and even then there are things I couldn't research.
I feel strongly about that. I don't like when people condemn people because they did something they view as immoral. They don't know what circumstances lead up to that behavior. It's deep, people can be possessed by energies and beings stronger than they are. The phrase, " I wasn't myself" exists for a reason. Sometimes memories are triggered and with memories comes energy. How that energy is managed and expressed is up to the vessel.
There's level to this shyt too. My childhood was fukking insane. I was around destructive evil shyt. And it's with me forever. I have to continue to build positive memories and be open to positive energies so I can be balanced in myself. Thing is my dark passenger is a ten-headed dragon wrapped around eleven bridges. I'm going to need a spiritual mega-zord or Code Geass level spiritual tech to balance it out. Removing it is impossible, I've accepted that, but I can understand and manage it.
I have to go with my guts too. I get strong feelings that a "person" has energy that'll throw me out of whack, same with experiences, but I let what I see and think override what it is real. And that's my intuition. No more shaking off what my higher self is screaming at me. Right now it's telling me to be fukking happy with all the little shyt and love yourself.
I wrote love yourself on the task list at work, that was it. I was singing at work too. I told some jokes. I had hella fun on my bike too. IDGAF what anybody feels anymore. I have to do things that make me feel good. I can't just absorb all these attacks without defending myself. To do that I need positive momentum. I have to be my true self. No matter how it makes people feel because it makes me feel good and makes living enjoyable for me. My life doesn't have to be a struggle. It can be hard work but also enjoyable to me.
I like to ride bikes. I like to smoke. I like to tell corny jokes because they make me laugh. I like to sing, I like to sing a lot. I love stretching. I like being around girls. I like getting fresh. I don't like arguing. I make fun of myself all the time. 100% I say something arrogant I'm kidding or saying it to get a rise out of someone because I'm bored as fukk. I act hella serious about everything. But I'm not, TBH I'm a big ass kid. I could eat chips and candy and nothing else until I die. I'm only serious about serious shyt, and honestly most shyt isn't serious. I like to play. Real talk I'm 28 and hella want to play tag everyday. Tag is the shyt. Freeze tag goes crazy. Hide and go seek is the shyt. Heads up seven up is hella fun too. I love trivia. I'm a bigger geek than most geeks. I know so much shyt it's hard to keep organized. I don't know if I'm quoting Aristotle or Lil Pump sometimes. I love both.
I know I am exceptionally intelligent. I taught myself to do everything I do professionally. I got to the top of everything I do in two three years tops teaching myself. While other people spend their whole lives doing it. I'm not bragging, I'm just saying it is what it is. I play dumb about everything.
Kitchens are basically like the military. So I know my hippie shyt isn't going to go over well, but I need to do this in every aspect of my life. My neighbors have been talking shyt when they see me climbing a tree to meditate while the sun rises. They hate on me no matter what, but I know it's because they're full of bad energy and my good energy threatens the dominance of their bad energy so they attack me. I defend myself physically which is stupid I realize. Because fighting a spiritual battle in a physical plane is a losing battle. The real battle field is within myself, and the enemy within is the one I need to defeat.
Gucci Gang
Then keep your dumb ass thoughts about your flesh and blood to yourself. I think y’all forget this is public and people can see it. Get a journal if you don’t like it.
