No matter how many days pass and people I meet I still miss C. I think about C every day. She started me on this path ten years ago. I was young and didn't realize what I had, what I had was something natural and genuine.
My life is on track again. My diligence is paying me what I'm due and of course I'm not happy. I don't know why I can't be happy, I want more.
C would tell me what to do in these situations. If I did what she said things worked out.
I don't know what to do. I never know what to do. Hahaha, it'd make sense for me to know what to do upon arriving here because I wanted to be here. I don't think things out. I just go for it until I die because I assume I'm going to fail.
As I'm shocked as everyone else, honestly, I am. When I end up getting what I want I don't know what to do with it.
I got a girl I've been into for months to ask me out. She seems like she really likes me and I like her. I don't know where to go from here. She's nice, she's cool, and she's cute. I am none of those things. I should be excited a girl like that is into me but I'm anxious because I don't know what to do.
My career is taking off, quickly, I'm getting everything I wanted and more. I don't know if I want it anymore. I think I want it, I just don't know what to do with it.
School is starting and I can't decide if I should focus on baking or culinary.
I work so hard and sacrifice so much for these things and then I end up stressing out because I don't know what the right move is.
I can't do this by myself. I guess normal people would ask their parents, siblings, and friends. I don't have those things.
I envy men I see with girls that tell them what to do. That is a blessing. I wish someone would tell me to do.
I guess I should trust myself because I got myself this far on pure belief. My whole life I've always been alone. I've had one person I trust enough to be honest with and I broke her heart.
People ask me why I'm so tough it's because I've experienced a lot of pain so what I go through is nothing. When you've been in a fight, fighting is no big deal.
When I was a little kid, I think I was 9 or 10. I recognized that I feel sad, scared and nervous. That is how I feel all the time. I can feel it in my stomach and crawling under my skin. It makes me want to vomit.
I don't need medication. I just need to feel safe, but I'm not safe, and I gotta defend myself against all odds. I gotta fight to live or die.
Falling out of love taught me so much. I swear I'll never let a good girl go. I can do a lot by myself. There's always another day to live and I'll feel better.
Even when I want to die things will get better because they can't get much worse, hahaha.
I feel better already. fukk it, I'm going to trust my guts and do what got me here. If she likes me I shouldn't have to do anything other than be honest. Doesn't matter what I focus on in school because it's all food. I like where my career is going because I actually have one. Most people have jobs I have a career that I've invested two years of hard work into. It'd be stupid for me to change a situation I like and benefits me. I have a good job and it's getting better. No matter what anybody says I know I have a great job. And I'm happy when I work.
It's not about money it's about security, benefits, career development, and working for the best. If I cared about money I'd sell blow, guns and hustle.
I got this job because it's a good ass job and it'll carry me to the next stage of my life. I have nothing and nobody and my job provides me with a base of operations. It's everything to me.
Lol only thing I can't do is hug myself. Most of the time I'm freaking out I just want a hug or a head rub. I remember when I was kid and my mom actually liked me she'd rub my head when I couldn't sleep. I'd fall asleep and sleep for what felt like days.
I knew no matter what I'd be okay if my mom was around.
C would stroke my ego and be beautiful as fukk. Looking at her reminded me what I wanted and how I needed to be to get there. I gotta keep working to give my family what I never had.