“Leooooo Messi,” screams the most generic sounding Spanish language commentator known to humankind. And off he goes! He’s gone by one, then another! Oh he’s not…is he? He is! He’s only went and dinked it over the keeper hasn’t he; oh Leo, you cheeky minx you. Despite the fact that this virtual incarnation of perhaps the greatest player of all time has just duped us into believing it possible to execute a move which has frankly been nigh on impossible since about FIFA 10, this is a great start. EA are making no secret of who their new leading man is, and they’re doing it with all the glossy veneer that only a soulless money sucking vortex like themselves can. They’ve put that gloss in a brown paper bag and encouraged us to start sniffing it until our hearts content. And sniff I will. But even amongst the dizzying high of my gloss induced euphoria, EA manages to remind me how realistic the game is, with Bayern Munich’s David Alaba arguing with the referee while standing in the wall at a free kick. I mean, his face is moving and everything! This is so gritty it feels like I’m watching The Wire, but with the shiny plastic covering from your grandma’s couch draped over the TV(this is just an assumption based on stereotyping, I’m not having casual sex with your grandmother on her couch…though the plastic would be useful *makes a note*).
Once you advance past EA’s interpretation of porn you enter the menus, one thing is immediately clear. No more free roam, "I’m going to score from the half way line if it takes me all day" arena. No, if you want to access the arena in this year’s FIFA, you have to suffer through what seemed like, to me, a full minute plus of loading screens, rendering it completely pointless. But not to worry, our ever-progressing overlords have seen fit to bless us with skill challenges, oh yes, you didn’t misread, we got some damn MINI GAMES up in this bytch! You can do dribbling, shooting, ooh! Don’t forget penalties! Yes, instead of shoring up the core gameplay by, for example, eradicating the ever present pinball ball physics between striker and defender (which seems worse to me, by the way) they’ve given us MINI GAMES. I don’t deny they are a new and welcome distraction while waiting for a game to load, but I can’t help but feel the resources poured in to creating these often infuriating skill games, could have been better used. Perhaps we could have gotten mass improvements on gameplay rather than ‘new’ features which add very little and cause us to recoil in annoyance and disgust whenever we hear the phrase ‘evolution, not revolution’. But no, this is of course EA we’re talking about, the same EA who have released more or less the same Madden game for the past 10 years, the same EA of course who infiltrated Bioware and crushed the hopes and dreams of thousands…but I digress.
All of our favourites are still there. The heavily bugged and unrealistic career mode (Gareth Bale to Lazio for 7million? Sounds good bro) is packed with new annoying splash screens of match previews and reviews, which no one in their right mind will read come its second occurrence. They’ve also added a lot of audio, with Sky Sports’ Geoff Shreeves giving us constant previews of the weekend to come, as well as in game injury updates (no, I have never heard Martin Tyler refer to him as ‘our doctor on the touchline’ in real life either, though I can’t shake the feeling that he’s about to announce “So, you won at the weekend, but you do realise the utter insignificance of playing simulated football on a games console don’t you?”) We've also been given an automated, computer like voice that gives you the official scores, which you constantly find yourself mashing the X button (or the Xbox equivalent) to advance past, which it won’t seem to let you do. They've also added live updates throughout the game from Alan McInally (again of Sky Sports...I see a pattern here) in some sort of attempt to channel the spirit of Soccer Saturday. Instead it comes off forced and clunky, reminiscent of something you’d more likely witness in a PES game (uh oh, no offence guyz).
Not to be left out from the party is Ultimate Team, the FIFA equivalent of a woman of the night - standing at the side of the road, flashing a part of her breast, showing you what you could have if only you stumped up the cash. Little do you know, once you’ve laid down your money, she’s got nothing but a 75 rated Slovakian centre back with 44 pace under her skirt. But she’s being sneakier this year, instead of asking you for money to buy packs out right, she’s asking you to buy ‘fifa points’. It’s essentially the exact same thing happening, but this woman of the night is in fact a man in drag, who while taking you against your will is softly whispering sweet nothings in your ear to ensure you don’t feel quite so depressed and violated after you’ve been fukked.
The naked truth is that while FIFA is, at its core, a very capable and good football simulation, it’s simply not progressing at the rate it should be. Again the gameplay has been neglected in favour of frivolous sideshows and pointless aesthetics. And if they’re not careful, we may see a case of video gaming mirroring real life, in that while Messi (FIFA) is sleeping, Ronaldo (PES) is going to catch up and steal the show, and the accolades that come with it.
at the SAME DAMN TIME.
when defender start abandoning their spot or give the strikers all the space in the world
Looks like they giving more weight to Def/Off/Mid instead of stars rating.