A jewish blogger by the name of Elad Nehorai recently wrote an article titled, "I didn't love my wife when we got married (currently located @
I Didn't Love My Wife When We Got Married. This essay is essentially about how the author thought love was an emotion, but later came to understand that it wasnt an emotion at all, but action. I found this article to be very valuable in relation to the question of "what is love?" nehorai begins his story at the time he met his soon to be wife and the emotions that he was feeling at the time.
"Im a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap. i guess that why i told my wife I loved her on our second date. i had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly. i wanted to tell her on the first date, but i knew that i would probably be weird. I still remember her reaction. She kind of gave me this half-shy half-amused smile. The she nodded and looked off into the sky. I wasn't heartbroken by the response. I think part of me recognized that she knew something i didn't. Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time. After two months of dating, we were engaged. three months after that, we were married. And that whole time I was swooning. The fire was burning in me, a fire that burned just likethe second date: I was in love. But then we got married, and everything changed. Marriage quicker than i was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion. I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder. I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you're sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in bank account? How can you feel it when you act into an argument? How can you feel it when you think it make perfect sense to put your socks on the floor after you're done with them and she has this crazy idea that they need to go in the laundry basket? there was no way I could keep that dating fire bumping as practicality invaded our lives. And at first, it drove me nuts. That emotion meant love. That excitement was how i knew i cared for her! But suddenly, life was this grind. Even when I was with her. Especially when I was with her. And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated.
As we can see, Nehorai thought that love was this "burning fire" or emotion he felt at the beginning of their courtship. He came to realize later on that this emotion was ultimately unsustainable and the lack of such a feeling began to take a toll on his relationship. However, when ne changed his actions, the emotions he was looking for began to manifest in his relationship. This change in perception came about when he had:
...offered to do the dishes. Or make dinner after she had a hard day. Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her. I dont think i noticed this consciously for awhile. It just kept happening. But I think it had an effect on me. Because as our marriage progressed, i found myself offering to help out around the house more and more. And after each time, there would be this look she would give me. This look of absolutely love. One that was soft and so beautiful. It took me longer than i care to admit to understand what was happening. But eventually it became clear. Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion i had been so desepartely seeking naturally came about. It wasn't something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of giving.
After the experience, he came to realize that he really didnt love his wife at the beginning. As Nehorai further stated, he didn't love his wife,"Because love isn't a emotion. that fire i felt, it was simply that: emotional fire. From the excitement of dating a woman I felt like I could marry. But it wasn't love." By Indo-Europeans standards, he was in "love" as love, in this language family, is simply "lust, covetousness, desire, wish, praise, etc." We can see how his initial interpretation of love guided his actions and evoked a certain type of emotional response that was misleading. Only when he began to "do" love, did he realize what love was. By his own words, .."love, isn't an emotion or even a noun. It's a verb. better define as giving. as putting someone else's needs above your own."
Earlier in this thread, i noted that in African languages the *l-b/*b-r roots also had dialectial variants where the /b/ sound is realized as /m/. In the ancient Egyptian language: the word for "love, desire, wish, etc.", is represented by the m-r consonant root the kweke branch of n-e. the following table:
mrj- to love, to like {verb]
mrwt - love, will, desire [noun]
mrj - love, want wish, desire, prefer, covet, cherish (verb)
mrwty - the well beloved [noun]
mrwt- love, will, desire [noun]
h3ty - heart, sense [noun -bod.]
Thus, love in the Egyptian context (will, desire, covet, prefer, cherish, to like") is associated with the same concepts as noted in Proto Indo European *leubh- "love, wish, desire, to care for." If love in the African languages is the same as love in I-E, how then are the two general attestations different? To get at heart of difference, we have to take a look at a variant of the word mrj in Egyptian: i.e., m3'.t.
The word m3'.t in the Egyptological dictionaries has the following meanings: "truth, justice, righteousness, propriety, order, law, right doing, correct, vindicated, real, genuine, orderly management, and reciprocity." Modern historians pronounce this word something like ma'at. Profressor Theophile Obenga provides the following series of correspondences in modern African languages, but I am not convinced of this proposed set:
Immanence Of Maat in African Cultures (Theophile Obenga: Egypt: Ancient History Of African Philosophy", pg 48)
Ancient Egyptian - :maat, truth; maa, "true"
Coptic (Egypt) -:me, mee, mee, mie, mei, mei, meei, "truth", "justice", and also "truthful", "righteous"
Caffino (Cushytic, Ethiopia) -:moyo, "motive", "reason" (truth and reason are inseparable)
Kongo (congo) - :moyo, "life", "soul", "mind" (same semantic field)
Ngbaka (Central African Republic) -:ma, magic medicine (in order to know the truth)
Fang (Equatorial Guinea, South Cameroon, Gabon) -:mye, mie, "pure" (tabe mye, "to be physically and morally pure")
Mpongwe (Gabon) -:mya, "to know" the truth (mya re insome, "the self-knowledge" , which the Delphic oracle also enjoined: gnothi seauton)
Yoruba (Nigeria) - :mo, "to know" the truth (knowledge)
Hausa (Nigeria) - :ma, "in fact" "indeed" (affirmative truth: ni ma na ji, "i in fact heard it")
Mada (North Cameroon) - :mat, "genie," "goblin" (semantic specialization)
Nuer (Nilotic, Sudan) - :mat, "total," "sum up"; "forces" (ro mat, "to join forces with". Maat is indeed the total of all virtues, all forces as ideals to guide man in his personal and spiritual life).
Imo the correspondences proposed by Alain Anselin, in his article: "Les mots de geno - Fulbe, Couchites, Nilotes et Egyptiens anciens, is more convincing:
Gabor Takacs (Takacs, 1999: 350) Eastern Cushytic: *ma' "good, sweet"; Northern Omotic: *ma'aa; Kingdom of Jenjero (Cushytic) me'e, meqe, "be good, be right" (RJHayward, 1994:167); Proto-Boni *ma aa "sweet, gentle"; Bireeri ma'aa (B.Heine, 1982: 131); Fulfulde demonstrates the palatalization of glottal stop /'/, Cushytic and Omotic > y] Adamawa Fulfulde: mo'' -, moyy- "be good, be filled, thanks/mercy/blessings" (C.Sydou 1998, 451), Pulaar: moyy- "be well, kind, caring, generous" (C.seydou, 1998, 463); moyyere pl. moyye "blessing, grace, happiness", moyyango "be charitable towards someone" (D.Noyce 1989,251); mo're, pl mo'e, "benefit", moyyugo, mo'ugo, "goodness", Wolof may "give, offer," may gi (with /g/ velar certifying that the agreement class was with a glottal), "grace, aptitude" (A.Fal et al., 1990,128).
However , these forms are due to much sound change. The most archaic forms can be found in Bantu languages (of the bere branch of Negro-Egyptian). We must first note that the /3/ sound in Egyptian was historically vocalized as a nasalized uvular trill /r/ (Mboli, 2010:504),. The sound correspondence 3=l/r is demonstrated by Alain Anselin in his article "Some Notes about an Early African Pool of Cultures from which Emerged The Egyptian Civilisation" (Exell, 2011:49).
b3 < *b-l, 'soul' (Old Kingdom; WB 1, 411; on the identification of /3/ as /l/, see above and Anselin 2007a): West Chadic (Nigeria): Angas-sura: bel, "reason, sense, to be wise, intelligence, understanding' (Takacs 2004,31); Central Chadic: Matakham (Cameroon): *bl, 'genius, spirit, mboko', belbele-hay, 'genius'; Niger-Congo:Fulfulde (Cameroon): nbeelu(ngu), 'principe vital de l'homme - menace d'etre devore par les mangeurs d'ame' (Noye 1989, 40; see also, Anselin 2007b, 92); Semitic: *bal, spirit, mind'; Aramaic: bl, 'spirit, intelligence'; Northern Syriac: bala, reason, attention'; Arabic: bal, 'attention, consciousness, mind' (Takacs 2001, 6).
si3 <*s-r, 'to understand, know > god of the knowledge' (Old Kingdom; WB IV 30, 1-21), written with the hieroglyph of the cloth (Gardiner S32); si3.t (Pyramid Texts; Coffin Texts variant, sr3.t, identifying /i/ as a reflex of /r/): Central Chadic: Mofu-gudur: s3; 'to know' (Barreteau 1988, 198); Mercy: s3r, 'to know' (Gravina et al.2003); Udlam: -s3r, 'to know' (Kinnaird and Oumate 2003); Muyang: s3r, 'to get to know' (Smith 2003).
m33 < *mVl, 'to see, look, examine' (Old Kingdom; WB II 7, 1-10,7), phonetically written with the hieroglyph of the sickle (Gardiner UI), the phonetic complement of the vulture (Gardiner G1) or the determinative of the eye (Gardiner D4) (Kahl 2004, 166-7): Cushytic: Agaw; Bilin: mili?y-, 'to look,examine'; Kemant: mel-, 'to examine, observe'; Eastern Cushytic: Oromo: mal- 'to think'; Sidamo: mal, 'to perceive, advise': Somali: mala, 'thought'; Burji: mala, 'plan' (Anselin 2001). Omotic: Wolamo: mi, 'to believe'; Kafa: mallet, 'to observe' (Dolgopolsky 1973, 180).
You can compare a few terms in Egyptian with modern-day CiLuba-bantu to reinforce this fact. in Middle-Egyptian, for example, we have m3' "truth,real,right" with its shorter variant in ciLuba as munda "true" (where -nd <l) [see also-a/-a milowo(u) "agreeable, true, sincere, good; Kalenjiin man "true"]. The thirs phoneme ['] in the word m3' is a suffix and corresponds to sounds in Bantu /ng/, /k/, and /h/. For ' = k/ng, we can observe the following correspondences:
Cikam
'rk "to complete
'rk "tie, bind,"
'nh "captive, oath"
'rk "corner, angle, edge,"
'nh "beetle"
'3y "to grow up, mature, senior, excess (over), difference (in mathematics)"
i'n "baboon"
n' "compassion, benevolence
Kikongo kalunga "complete"
Kikongo kalunga "tie, bind";
Kikongo kanga "to tie up"
Kikongo konko "angle"; ciLuba ditengu/diTungi "corner"
ciLuba cijangala ~~~cijangalala "beetle, scarab." ; kikongo kinkakala, ekoka;
ciLuba -kola "grow, increase, aging."
ciLuba nkima "monkey" (=ncima)
ciLuba nanga > bunangi "love, charity"
Given the data above, we argue that m3' "true, real, right" (> m3'.t "truth, order, balance, etc.") was probably pronounced something like what we find in Basaa language: maeliga "truth." In ciluba-Bantu we have the variant Bulelela "actuality, truth" (malelela, malela). You can also say in Ciluba Cyama/Cama or CyaMalelela; Meyi-malelela or meeyi (tetela-bantu mete). The root of bulelela is lelela "actual, real, authentic, true, genuine, veritable," which in Egyptian is rrj "really, truly"; Yoruba ododo "truth, fact, justice, equality, right, righteousness." Thus, the root of m3'.t "truth" is in fact -3-; with m- being a fossilized prefix of abstraction and -' being a fossilized suffix. The following table brings a deeper understanding to our analysis
M-E rri "really,truly"
Ciluba -lelela (-lelele(a)) "truth, authentic, veritable"
Setswana ruri "truly"
Yoruba ododo, otito "truth, fact, equality, right, righteousness
M-E m3't "truth, justice, harmony, balance"
Ciluba ma-lelela "reality, truth";
bu-lelela "reality,truth";
cye-leke(a) "reality,reality";
bi-lengele "well,correctly, distinctly,carefully, right,rightly
Basaa maeliga "truth"
netuuk "truth (n-t-k>m-l-g ?)
Zande reng) "truth"
Somali run "truth"
Kikongo nlungu "justification (the state of being just), justice, righteousness, blamelessness, completeness"
lunga "be accurate,right, be exact, perfect,etc.,"
IsiZulu lunga "become right, good"
utu-lunga "accuracy"
This is important to note in relation to m3'.t meaning "order". This -3- root is cognate with ciLuba eela "introduce, put/set/make, push"; "dispose,arrange,lay, apply, put out, place"; "to express, to make, to exit from self ("sound, word, object, idea, etc.") This root has come to be associated with the concepts of distance, generations, and also deals with that which causes the perpetuation of something (to exit from self). We see this reflected in the following terms in ciLuba:
Lela "birth,give birth, produce"; "cause, source, generate"; "a family,a home"; "adopt, educate, raise"; subject, submit." baledi "parents" : buledi " to engender, maternity, paternity" : bulela "relationship"; relationship characterizing those who cannot marry one another"; "charity, kindness, generosity" : ciledi "cause, origin, source" :cileledi "matrix": cilelelu "Time of birth, date of birth" : cilelelu "placenta" (Syn.: ndanga, nkishyabende): dilediibwa "birth, Christmas (birth Of Jesus) ": dilela "birth,childbirth, labor, complicated thing, to be tricky": lelela [n + I> n, l + i> di] ---> - Badila > lelesha - "facilitate childbirth, attend a woman in childbirth": Lelulula " be born again, to revive" lulelu "childbirth, fertility, generation": Mulelu > muledi "parent, mother, father" mulela "member of the extended family, parent" mulelu "human fertility, fertility": ndedi "cause (syn.: ciLedi): ndela "profilic person, with many children" : ndelanganyi "offspring, descedants, generations" ndelelu "descendants, generation"; ndelelu Mulenga "family planning": ndelu "generations, offspring, progeny": Tunda "bring into the world, give birth, born/rise. App.- Lela -> a-Teeta: lela- "be abundant, abound, overflow" [Syn.: Tengeka ->Akan, akanangan [n + I> n, l +i> di] -->sela]: Tengeka ~~~ Tenka- "be abundant, abound": Lelakana- ~~~ -lelakanangana "be found in large quantities, abound on all sides"
This is how the l-b variant in Indo-European came to mean "make love" (have sex). It is this sense of progeny, causation and relatedness that inform us of the other variant of the word m3'.t spoken of earlier mrj. The term mrj is defined as "love, want, wish, desire, prefer, covet, cherish".