About ten years ago, after spending the first two years as the “second-in-command” at the DSR, a period of time in which I wrote about an article every two weeks, I burned out. There were a number of understandable reasons, including the kids becoming kids, a different type of workload, the difficulty keeping ahead of the news with the rise of social media, and the fact that I couldn’t keep pace with the DSR’s#1. (At least in periods of time when this country wasn’t besieged by a major hurricane.)
There was also a reason for my inactivity that most would probably not understand -– former Michigan coach Lloyd Carr sucked the sports life out of me.
What did Lloyd Carr do? Well, the act of singlehandedly destroying Michigan football for the better part of ten years — mostly through the act of becoming a terrible recruiter for Michigan (pre-Rich Rod) and becoming a fantastic recruiter for Ohio State (post-Rich Rod) — probably had something to do with it.
In fact, I hate Lloyd Carr so much that I haven’t written an article in ten years (spanning three articles, including this one) in which I haven’t made my anger for him a main point of my article’s introduction. When you finish this article, you will no doubt question why I had to bring up Lloyd Carr in this article. I didn’t. But that is how much I hate the former Michigan Coach turned OSU Recruiting Coordinator.
But I could not quit writing for the DSR forever, mainly because of a commitment I made to Moss that I would try to write an article every half-decade or so.
Without your word, what do you have?
Fortunately, with the end of my half-decade DSR writing vacation quickly approaching, something made me so mad today that I came back temporarily to release some of that anger.
Surprisingly though, it is NOT Lloyd who currently has my blood boiling. Well, I am certain I could come up with something, but out of respect for Carr (I am the last remaining DSR founder who doesn’t REALLY wish ill will on people when they are wishing ill will on people), now is not the time.
So, what could possibly anger me enough to fulfill my DSR quota?
The dumbest and most annoying fan base in the modern sports era –- Michigan football fans.
I’ve defended these idiots in the past by pointing out that the Walmarts were the primary offenders and that all schools have an equally terrible portion of their fan base.
And while this is mostly true, I AM fukkING DONE DEFENDING THESE IDIOTS ANY LONGER.
So, what have Michigan football fans done now?
Well, as everyone knows, there will be a non-Michigan football game tomorrow with huge implications for Michigan’s season. A game essentially as critical to Michigan’s season as Michigan’s own game in Happy Valley. Sometime shortly after Michigan takes care of business against Penn State, Michigan’s two biggest rivals, Michigan State and Ohio State, will be facing off in Columbus.
(If you believe for one second that I am confident that a Michigan team doing it with mirrors this year will take care of business tomorrow against the Nittany Lions, my “second-in-command” interest in the DSR is available for a reasonable price.)
As every Michigan fan knows, if Ohio State wins, Michigan controls its own destiny for a chance to play in the Big Ten Championship with a possible shot at making its first NCAA playoff appearance. So, any fan of Michigan is openly rooting for the Buckeyes, right?
WRONG!!!
A significant portion of the Michigan fan base thinks it is either funny or logical to root for Ohio State to lose.
To the extent that this is just a running joke for some people, please stop. The joke about having to root for a rival isn’t funny now, it wasn’t funny back in 2008, and it wasn’t funny 160 years ago when staffers on Abraham Lincoln’s campaign team joked about having to root against the policies of former Lincoln rivals allowed to participate in Lincoln’s government.
Any Michigan football fan with a brain is rooting for OSU tomorrow. I’m not going to have the discussion about this because I’m not coming out of DSR retirement to explain why two fields goals equal six points. The local media can cover that angle.
What I do want to discuss are the Michigan fans out there who are either stating that there are rooting against Ohio State for a reason I have easily identified (as did DSRforum member Steve “Don’t Call Me Ed“ Sprague) or are actually rooting against the Buckeyes.
I’ve frequently stated, and truly believe, that I have a better grip on Michigan fans than any other person in the world. That deep and unrivaled knowledge allows me to know there are two reasons for this type of thought process:
The first reason, the lack of a brain, is exhibited by a group of Michigan fans whom we wouldn’t expect to appreciate the importance of Michigan football since all they did was PLAY MICHIGAN FOOTBALL!!!
Yes, a number of former Michigan football players fall into this group. According to an Eric Olson piece from the Associated Press, “Most of the former Michigan players interviewed this week said they couldn’t bring themselves to root for a Buckeyes win against Michigan State on Saturday.”
Former Michigan All-American Offensive Lineman Reggie McKenzie is this group’s poster child. Here is what McKenzie had to say this week about the awful prospect of having to root for Michigan to have a chance for its first ever NCAA playoff appearance:
“I want Michigan State to win,” McKenzie said. “We’ll still get to a bowl.”
Hey, Mr. McKenzie … you may want to dump that 1992 calendar you are still using. And I will get back to McKenzie shortly once I examine the second group of morons causing me to give up precious time in preparing my FanDuel lineup today.
This second group of people – and trust me, there is a significant portion of Michigan fans who fall into this group – is comprised of a bunch of Michigan elitists who are still living in their “Big 2, Little 8″ world. It’s over, people. Michigan and Ohio State will be the dominant teams in the Big Ten over the course of a year or two, here or there. But even if Jim Harbaugh does everything the lemmings think he will do, a 20+ year period of dominance will never again occur.
This second group of Michigan morons is captained by some random, no-need-to-identify idiot on the Mgoblog forums, who started a thread today titled “OSU/MSU What to root for,” as if this is a real question.
Listen. Mr. No-Need-To-Identify knows whom to root for tomorrow. He will be sitting in front of the TV on Saturday rooting for J. T. Barett as if he is the second coming of Rick Leach. He will defend OSU’s decision to limit the suspension of Barrett to one game. He will exchange his maize and blue jersey for a scarlet and gray t-shirt around 3:29. And he will singing the OSU “Battle Cry” while imagining himself dotting the Ohio I, all while enjoying a bowl of buckeye nuts.
Let’s take a moment to enjoy the beauty that is:
Mr. No-Need-To-Identify has a deeply-rooted issue very distinct from Mr. McKenzie. While Mr. McKenzie envies Dorothy’s Scarecrow (who at least had the excuse of not actually having something between his ears), Mr. No-Need-To-Identify thinks that by questioning his true rooting interest tomorrow, he is doing justice to his archaic belief that Ohio State is Michigan’s biggest rival.
The question of which team, MSU or OSU, is Michigan’s biggest rival was a cute little discussion back when the infamous Dave Radner** wrote for the DSR. But that argument isn’t cute or logical anymore. It’s fukking pointless! Who the hell cares?
(** — Now known as Aaron Radner’s father. You can find him on Twitter @ARad216.)
More importantly, after the past eight years — where OSU has kicked Michigan around like some sort of little brother and Michigan State has established itself as a real and ongoing threat to the dominance that had been in place the previous 30 years — it is idiotic to pretend that MSU winning isn’t killing us. It is. And MSU beating OSU tomorrow would rip the heart out of Michigan fans even if Michigan were not still in contention for a Big 10 Title. On November 20, 2015, Michigan State is Michigan’s biggest rival. I’m not going to get into an explanation of why at this point … because it’s fukking pointless.
There is one, and only one, point. It is in Michigan’s best interest for Ohio State to win tomorrow. That’s all. If Michigan wins tomorrow at Happy Valley, every Michigan fan in the world with a brain (Sorry, Reggie) will be rooting for Ohio State to win. And we will all be thrilled if it happens. If Michigan State somehow happens to win, I, along with every other Michigan fan living within 100 miles of Ann Arbor, will be a disgusted mess. We hate Michigan State. Let’s all just embrace it once and for all.
Back to brainless Reggie. Before I started writing this article, I declared in theDSR Forums that if I had time today I would write an article calling for the death of any Michigan fan rooting against Ohio State tomorrow.
Without your word, what do you have?
So it pains me to do this, but Reggie McKenzie (and any former Michigan player or Michigan fan who shares his idiotic opinion), Please die! And since starting on this article, I have decided that I want the same fate for those pretending that they are questioning their rooting interest in tomorrow’s second biggest game. So, Mr. McKenzie … Please take Mr. No-Need-To-Identify with you.
Thanks in advance.
Now I feel better.
Much better.
I’ll see you all again sometime around 2020.
Again:
Naw man, it aint worth it breh. Go chill with your newborn breh. No fades cause of shyt playcalling