"In Search of Goodp*ssy : Living Without Love" by Don Spears

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What Black Men Want and Need​

Love, devotion and respect,
that’s what black men need, along with a little kindness from someone who cares for them and believes in them. Black men also need to be touched and held and played with affectionately. What their fathers had with their mothers is what they want. And just what was that? Love, devotion, respect and kindness from someone who cared about him and believed in him. Black men need and want the security and unconditional love they knew as a child. They also want to feel that same sense of companionship and of feeling needed.

What they also need and want is to be thought of as human beings rather than things. Everybody else seems to be a part of the human race except the black man. It is almost like he is a species all unto himself. Hardly anyone understands him, and typically where there is the unknown, there is fear. Nobody knows him, so nobody trusts him. Needless to say, a racist white male dominated society has done its fair share to perpetuate as well as traumatize that perception.

Today’s black man also needs to have society’s expectations of him reassessed. Instead of being criticized for what he is not doing, he needs to be praised for all that he has done, in spite of the overwhelming obstacles he has had to overcome. For example, black men are blamed for not working, when they are not the ones doing the hiring. Black men are accused of being lazy, worthless no accounts, when their blood and sweat built this country. Those who wanted to parts of work said that he was trifling and the label stuck.

Today sociologists and psychologists caution us about putting our children down, ridiculing them because of the possible adverse effects. Black men in America have been put down for over 300 years, by almost everyone. Even his own ally, the black woman, has bought into this myth. That person with whom he once shared love, devotion, and respect is all too often his enemy too. If you tell a child, “you’re nothing but a trouble maker” or “You’re never goin’ to amount to anything,” he may not. These are the messages black men have always gotten.

The blame for the black man’s failure has always rested on the black man himself. Because he was not there to take care of the children he had made, he was especially suspect. Although he did make these children, he was not creating a family. Let me draw an interesting little parallel for you. A rancher in Arizona wants to build up his herd so he mates a stallion with five of his mares every year. At the end of five years this stallion has had 25 mates and at least 25 offspring. How could he possibly be the head of all 25 families at once? After all, he was only one horse. And how could he possibly keep up with the offspring of his offspring? Was the fact that he was bred really his fault at all, except for being properly equipped and good at what he did?




 
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What Black Men Want and Need, continued
Some black men had similar experiences during slavery. Like the stallion, he produced many offspring, and also like the stallion he could not be in 25 places at one time. Not only could he not keep up with his 25 families, he could not clone himself so that he could even catch up. So theoretically we have at least 24 families with no head, but it is the slave’s fault for not being there. “BULL shyt!!” I think it’s somebody else’s greedy fault for using him like a prized horse or bull in the first place. What black men really need is not to be blamed for problems they didn’t create. They didn’t load themselves in shackles onto filthy slave ships so that they could take a cruise to America where they would become wealthy land barons. Are we really so ignorant that we do not realize that the black man is the victim not the perpetrator?

Again, like the stallion, the black man cannot fix everything or be expected to. Both he and the black woman must come to grips with that. Of course he has always believed that if he can’t fix it he’s not in control, that he’s less than a man, but there are some things that just cannot be fixed. Feeling responsible is just another “man thang.” He is just going to have to learn to let it go. The black woman must also understand that she too may be compounding the problem by expecting something he cannot possibly deliver, then getting an attitude when he doesn’t. Or maybe he can pull it off, but he just can’t do it alone. He needs cooperation instead of antagonism. Both the black man and the black woman must remember that in spite of all his machoism he really is not superman.

Sure, at times he may be confused, short tempered, uncommunicative, bitter, stressed out, insecure, unsure of what he wants and even be in denial. But, again, it’s a “man thang” and he doesn’t even know why. With all that pressure on him, frustration and resentment are predictable, especially in a society where men are expected to be men.

The black woman must be patient and try to understand that his moodiness is not intentional. The black man is not against her. In fact, he is actually doing more harm to himself, but he knows no other way. So, to that love, devotion, respect and kindsness add a little compassion, understanding and appreciation.

Another thing that black men want and need is to be able to open up and actually be who they are. But before they accomplish this, they need to be able to get in touch with their own deepest feelings. Relationships with other men are often competitive, and that man you share your insecurities with or tell what a “great lover your girlfriend is” may try to find out for himself.
 
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What Black Men Want and Need, concluded
I have my own rule that I live by. I don’t hang around friends’ houses talking to wives or girlfriends when they are not there, and I don’t carry on long telephone conversations with them. Whenever “mad day” comes for them, I want to make sure my shoulder is not the one she wants to cry on. If I get too close to her and begin to see her as a close friend, that closeness will ultimately transcend the limitations of my friendship with my original friend, her husband or boyfriend.

Conversely, because women do listen when men want an understanding ear – and men do need someone to communicate with – attraction to her warmth and understanding may also lead me to be sexually attracted as well. So the bottom line for me is that I don’t want to be friends with any of my friends’ women. When a man finds a woman he is comfortable with, it is easy to open up and reveal his gentleness and sensitivity. With that kind of companionship too, he may feel that he has indeed found his Goodp*ssy.

Just as there are things that a black man wants and needs from a woman, there are things that he doesn’t want or need. One of the most obvious things is a woman who feels superior to him, or a woman who tries to make him feel small. Another thing black men don’t need or want is a woman who is always letting her friends do the thinking for her. His relationship with her may already be fragile at best, so the very last thing they need is any outside interference.

A black man also doesn’t want or need women who cannot cope, women who are put-ons, women who cannot function when they have problems, or a woman who rejects him or leaves him when the going gets tough.

The number one thing black men don’t need, however, is a woman who is disloyal. Cold, conceited and stuck-up women are also a problem, as well as nagging, domineering, unsupportive, selfish women. Bossy women are a very special problem too. One of the worse things that any woman can do to a “real” black man is try to push him around. Remember, one of the “man thangs” he has been taught not to do is take orders from you. He’s the one who is supposed to be in charge.

Many black women, like black men, are know-it-alls who really do not know anything at all. Some black women want to show how self-sufficient they are. They don’t need anyone else, especially you. They have forgotten what it means to be gentle, honest, nurturing, and a caring friend and confidant. Many black women are beginning to exhibit masculine traits, adapting to society’s ideas of what winners are. Assuming masculine roles, they are at odds with and competing against black men. Some black women may, in fact, be angry that they were born black females (in this man’s world), and since they cannot change themselves, the logical thing they can do is to change the world, and you.

Some others are electing to be Cinderella or Little Red Riding Hood. And to be sure, the black man does not want or need any of these women who have become I’s rather than We’s. A black man needs and wants a real woman who is devoted and committed, and who believes as he does that a good relationship is worth the effort.

In whatever form, one more thing black men want and need is a companionship, a partner. They need someone to do things with, someone they can take trips with, wine and dine, share dreams with, or just sit around and watch television. They want and need a loyal friend with whom they can share that satisfying relationship. Goodp*ssy, for me, were those wonderful moments when I found myself cradled in my lady’s arms, with her leg draped over mine, falling asleep together. I’m sure that is what some other black men may want and need, too. And, women, if you aren’t in a position to give that, still show him that you care and let him show you that he cares. “Give a black man a great big hug today!”
 
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What Black Men Think Black Women Want and Need

Someone once wrote that what black women need is the truth – the whole truth, including the truth about themselves. Most women are looking for Mr. Right. Sure women want someone to love and protect them, someone who is understanding, caring and supportive. In essence, they want a “good man,” a faultless knight in shining armor.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s consider some of the other things black women seem to want. Just as men want a decent woman, sometimes women seem to want a decent man. Sometimes. Men seem to be drawn to women other man want while women seem to admire men they know are screwing around. At parties women seem to come alive when a lady’s man enters the room. Though they often try to conceal it, they really do get excited, and if he makes a move on them it actually appears to validate them. And speaking of validation, if these same women can maneuver it, they will literally place themselves in this same lecherous man’s path to volley with him. On that list are some of those girl friends who got out without their husbands and boyfriends, sitting around a table to see who will be hit on first, how many times, and who will be doing the batting (using his bat). Why do so many good girls find themselves in such lascivious settings? And why are they wearing their sexiest dresses and faces, without their men? If they really “just wanted to look nice,” they could have done that with their mates.

What many black women want is to do whatever they want to do. What some of them need is to be slowed down a little bit.

Far too many black women need to be reminded of where they come from and how they got where they are. There is a saying, “Don’t forget the bridge that brought you over,” and many black women seem to have forgotten just that. They see the world as their very own great big giant juicy oyster, and they’re going to get out there and suck every delicious drop of it up, kind of like a female vampire with warm red blood still dripping from her mouth and fangs. What she seems to have forgotten, however, is that for every vampire there is somebody running around with a wooden stake to drive through its heart.

Some black women do need to be taken down a couple of notches. Those who have a biblical background do generally tend to remember that the man is important, while those who are more secular tend to be more independent thinking – more “I,” less “We.”

And speaking of “The Man,” all too often the white man is referred to as just that. Well, if the white man is “The Man,” where does that leave the black man? This idea, too, is one that black women seem to have bought into as they form coalitions with white men, feeling somehow more validated. If “The Man” thinks I’m great, then I must be. Who cares about what some black man thinks? Or even other black women? As the comic book philosopher Pogo once said, “We have seen the enemy and the enemy is us.”

Black women have always been the black man’s best friend and his most prized possession. During the days of slavery she faced the same hardships he did, plus the abuses imposed upon her as a woman, confronting both sexism and racism. Not only was she worked and whipped, she was brutally raped as well – often as a mere child.

And breeding (sex abuse), was typically cold and unfeeling, without today’s luxury of artificial insemination. Imagine the dehumanizing horrors of being raped to produce children, over and over and over again. Or try to see women being publicly stripped and fondled anywhere, by anybody, or imagine being forced to lie on your back and have intercourse at the whim of someone who owns you.

Black women need love, devotion, respect, compassion, support, understanding, kindness and appreciation just as the black man does. Moreover, they need to be able to return those same sentiments after they realize that “We’re all in this together!”
 
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Do Black Men Know What Love Is?

Of course they do. Everyone does. There are many, however, who believe that if the black man knows any love at all it is the love he practices for himself only. It is this stereotypical mischaracterization that has once again made the black man both the victim and the target at the same time. Society cruelly treats him like a wild animal then casually expects him to behave like a country gentleman. He is abused and accused of not being capable of love and then is not loved because he has been accused of not knowing how.

Historically, black men have always been some of the most gentle and loving creatures on the face of the earth. In fact, black men were so docile that many whites, who were aggressive by nature, even considered them womanish.

And during the days of slavery it was the overwhelming love that the black man had in his heart that kept him from taking off, leaving everyone else behind, and simply saying “I’m outta’ here.” Black men have always known what love is.

While it may be true that the ability or willingness to express love may have been sucked out of the hearts of some black men, we must remember that those hearts are not well and that indeed some of them no longer function normally. We must also remember who broke them and why. For whatever reason, some unconscionable black men really have become products of their environment who show no mercy and who feed upon anything that crosses their path. They are heartless predators who will devour everything in sight. The only thing that matters to them is the “kill.” Because they have been so victimized, aggression, or rather destruction, is the only thing they know. They do not want to make anything. They do not want to build anything either, especially something based on sensitivity. And they absolutely will not risk being thought of as weak or vulnerable.

These black men are afraid to trust or to open themselves up to any more pain. To be in love is to be dependent and to have someone else dependent on you, to share and to have that sharing returned. That is too big a gamble for some black men to take when they have been stepped on too many times already. They do not need to hurt anymore for anybody, or for any reason. Nobody should be able to make them go against their own will or have power over their own better judgement. How can they be expected to return loving sentiments like respect, understanding, sacrifice and caring when none has been given to them. The only Goodp*ssy they know is themselves.
 
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Do Black Men Know What Love Is? continued

In spite of the fact that some black men are hard and unfeeling, they still know what honesty is, even if they do not practice it. It is simply an investment they cannot afford to make. Suppose he is willing to do all the right things by his lady, what proof does he have that it will not be one sided or that he can trust her? He has learned the hard way, “if you’re weak you’re beat.” He knows who he is, but how can he be sure about her? His life is hard enough already. He does not need any more misery. (That is one of the reasons why some black men resort to violence, to maintain control and thereby avoid their own suffering.) Nobody is going to use him.

Again, for many black men love means sex. Because they are socially, economically and politically powerless, the only happiness these men may know is having their way with a woman or women. Even as boys one of the first things they learned, one of their “rights of passage” was that having sex makes you a man. A woman is the only thing these black men have ever conquered. Having women made them men, even though they felt no responsibility for them. That was all the love they needed for both their chest and their penis to be pushed out. And getting some money out of it or anything else valuable and they really felt that they “got over.”

Being aggressive will also keep others from getting close enough to see who he really is. And since he is not willing to risk vulnerability, he opts instead to continue to exploit his sexual prowess. But again, while some black men intentionally travel this path to keep from getting hurt, others do so because it is the only course they know. Many of these black men have turned their emotions off, choosing instead to use manipulation and their bodies from the waist down.

Other black men, however, do believe in a love that is genuine. Mark, a 27-year-old real estate developer, says that for him it was love at first sight. From the very first moment that he saw Tanya he knew she was the one. Because of their inexplicable attraction from the very beginning, he wanted to be with her all the time. But the real reason why he said he was ready for her was that he already loved himself first. Mark explained that before Tanya he had always thought that love just started as a good feeling that matured as time passed, and developed into something special. It was based upon mutual trust, devotion, commitment, closeness and a feeling of security, but the euphoria he felt with Tanya had instantly given him a new point of view. Mark said he knew that he was taking a chance, but he believed that true love only comes along once in a lifetime.

Certainly trusting a stranger so completely is risky, but Mark believes in unconditional love and what could possibly be any more unconditional. He could sense deep feelings of admiration and respect and felt that Tanya could easily become the center of his life. How could he possibly live without her?

Brandon, on the other hand, is a widower who believes in love, too. But unlike Mark, Brandon believes that love, especially true love, takes time to grow and blossom. He believes in the old axiom that “haste makes waste.” Brandon, like many other black men, feels that leaving yourself open and vulnerable to someone before you really know them is a foolish move.


 
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Do Black Men Know What Love Is? concluded
He admitted loving several women, some of them at the same time, but said that he had only known true love once, with his wife Linda. While he explained that love is something that must be worked at as it continues to survive the test of time, he too mentioned the same kinds of unconditional elements Mark had. He and Linda were friends, a team who were honest and committed to each other. And this trust was even more important to them than physical attraction or the intense sexual intimacy they shared. Making her happy made him happy, and it was so easy. “There is nothing better than giving and receiving love,” he said. “And there is no greater gift than living a life filled with love.”

Many black men feel as Mark and Brandon do. They may differ on the time it takes to find love (whether you have to work at it or if it just happens), but their feelings are generally the same. Love requires trust, friendship, caring, real intimacy, commitment and acceptance. Most black men would also do almost anything for the woman they love, agreeing that love itself may have little to do with sex. In fact, if there is true love or real intimacy, there may be no interest at all in casual sex. And while black men may be divided on beliefs about whether real love lasts forever, they do agree that you must work at it to keep it alive.

Other black men did not share their enthusiasm. They felt that being vulnerable (in the name of love) is not worth the risk. Many of them believe that love is only an illusion, as illusion that can be quickly dispelled by reality. Sure, everybody loves a winner, but he is a black man, and black men are seldom winners. Is he to believe that he will be one of the lucky ones? Is his happiness in fact based on luck? Does he take a chance – open up and put his woman on a pedestal only to have her crush him? Can he deal with the pain and the rejection if it fails?

Scott, 33, had been divorced from his wife Jerry for six months. They were both paralegals who had met in school. After graduation they were married. For the first two years everything was perfect. There were no defensive masks, and he and Jerry shared everything together. They were ecstatic and infatuated as they made sacrifices for each other and supported each other. He was so happy that God had brought her into his life and was always finding things to do for her or surprising her with little gifts and cards. But then she changed. As they became more comfortable with each other and routine sat in, Jerry became bored and love just wasn’t enough anymore.

Today, Scott is angry and still trying to pick up the broken pieces of his life. His hands shake and his imagination runs wild as he wonders where Jerry is and who she is with. Bitterness and loneliness cause many sleepless nights, and he often sits on the side of his bed with a loaded .38 nearby. Frequently, he has cried himself to sleep, and he still finds functioning at work extremely difficult.

Like so many other black men, when Scott fell in love he surrendered his own independence. He had been seduced by what Jerry appeared to be. Like Scott, many black men find themselves out of control when they are blinded by love. Far too often we see what we want to see, only realizing that our vision was blurred after it is too late.

Real love is sometimes described as being a profoundly tender or passionately affectionate feeling of warm personal attachment. It is a deep and emotional regard which is free from fear and selflessness. Many black men realize that the value of loving is in giving it so that it will come back to them. Goodp*ssy would be getting that opportunity!
 
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Why Men Cheat
Men don’t cheat. They simply need more than one woman sometimes. Remember, men are dogs, right. Wrong. They are little boys who grew up hearing that they were different from little girls. And as men one of their differences from women is sex. As little boys they remembered lessons like “Big boys don’t cry.” But when they were hurt they did cry, privately, if not publicy. A little girl could fall on the playground, scratching her arm, and she was expected to shed a few tears, but not little boys. He was supposed to pick himself up, brush himself off, and pretend that nothing had happened.

As he grows older he still remembers those rules. When he is hurt in a relationship, again he cannot cry, not publicy, no matter how deep his hurt may be. He vows to himself that it will never happen again, and buffers himself with, that’s right, more women.

In the beginning, as a young man, the prize was scoring and sex, but as recent surveys indicate, men are now more interested in companionship. They are no longer interested in purely sexual gymnastics, but they still do not want to be alone. As friends say time and time again, “When things go wrong, as they will, if I’ve got four or five women, I’ll just move on to the next one. I’m not going to be hurt anymore.” Because men avoid emotions they are especially hard hit when a relationship goes sour, and cheating keeps them from getting too involved with one woman.

And if men are dogs, what can be any more evil and menacing than a black dog? That’s an easy one, too. The only thing that can be worse than a simple black dog is a big black mean dog. He is certainly the worst of all creatures, and of all the cheaters. As a matter of fact, he is an unconscionable cheater possessing absolutely no morals at all. Well, if white men aren’t cheating, only protecting themselves from hurt, how could any black man possibly be cheating?

Harry, a state trooper, said that the chase turns him on, and the thrill of conquest when he seduces another unsuspecting woman. Harry loves the challenge of seeing which of his programs will work on each new woman. He said that he had learned his codes and programs by watching his father who was a cheater, too. Harry really believes that he loves his wife Jinx, but says that his ego makes him do it. It is his right as a man. Other men expect it, too, and so do women.

Jason, 21, said that he just wanted to have a good time. Since women outnumbered men, he was only doing his duty when he “tightened them up.” And it was so easy because the women he met often wanted it just as much as he did. Jason admitted that he had been in love once, but when she cheated on him it nearly killed him. (But women cheat too, and many black women seem to have a revolving door in and out of different men’s lives.) Cheating was alright for a man, but a woman was supposed to be better, stronger. “Screwing around” was Jason’s way of avoiding commitment.

Cheating is an act of dishonesty, but as history will remind us, the black man was delivered to the shores of the North American continent to work and to replenish his own kind. With a little encouragement from the plantation owner and the overseer, he did a wonderful job of developing this country’s raw resources, and of populating it.
 
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Why Men Cheat, continued
The white man in all his glory and wisdom had successfully created a low maintenance machine that worked magnificently and reproduced itself. How splendid, how marvelous, until Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation and the end of the wealthy plantation owner’s free ride.

The black man had indeed proven to be a prolific breeder. But the old saying, “If it aint broke don’t fix it” became “Break the damned thing, break it.” And they have been breaking the black man (and woman) ever since. The difference is that he was first being broken to be maintained as valuable property, and now he is being broken to be eliminated.

Historically, servicing more than one woman was not only expected, it was demanded of many black men. Some plantation owners believed that it was more cost-effective to breed and build up their inventory and assets, or to have children to sell. With sexual indoctrination so heavily tilted toward studding, part of the black man’s problem is that he was never taught or has never taken it upon himself to learn anything else or any other way of doing things.

So the black man was loosed upon the world, and now the A.S.P.C.A wants him taken out, because he has made one even more grave mistake. Not only has he bred successfully with the prime stock, he has bred with the private stock as well. If he had some chance before he has none. Miscegenation – not failing to rise above welfare roles – is his real crime. He was only a distasteful nuisance until he began to spoil and make worthless that which was so highly valued by “the man”, his white woman. And now he faces condemnation by both “the man” and his black female counterpart as well.

Cheating was inbred in the black man before it was called cheating – even though in Africa it is still customary to have more than one woman. The black man in America has become a trained professional, and it is hard to break old habits, especially when there is so little help.

Today black men still maintain a long list of reasons for having more than one woman. Primarily it is that things are just not right at home. Many of them say that sex with their wives or girl friends is not what it should be, that there is no passion and that the relationships are just not satisfying anymore. Some say their mates are too inhibited and that they add spice to their lives by learning some of the tricks a new lover may offer, and perform a few tricks of their own that they can’t do at home. Since some wives or girlfriends do not like certain positions or allow things like oral sex or anal sex, they simply get those favors somewhere else. Other black men said that sometimes people just don’t have the same needs, desires, or sexual appetites, and that going outside of a relationship may indeed have helped to save it. Still, it helped some of them over the frustrations and hard times of being in relationships where the excitement was gone.

Stewart, 43, a social studies teacher, said that his marriage to Claudette is a classic blunder. Claudette, a special education teacher, is just a pretty shell who validates him. From the outside everything seems perfect, but behind closed doors they sleep in separate bedrooms and haven’t touched each other in almost a year. Before that she had taken him for granted for months while she chased rainbows. All the trappings were there, but their marriage was empty. He was absolutely miserable at home.
 
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Why Men Cheat, continued
During an “open house” at school he had met Belva, the mother of one of his students, and they had started seeing each other. Stewart said that Belva was more of a real wife than Claudette, the woman he was married to. He felt complete with Belva and sex was a bonus.

Stewart said that he was tired of Claudette’s constant bytching and that a ship could only have one captain. Someone has to make the final decisions and he said that he had “no time for the pain.” Claudette was so bossy he said, that even if he tried to do his job as a protector and good provider, she would want to tell him how he should do it. Instead, he felt more fulfilled becoming Belva’s protector and provider. The only time he could be himself and feel like a man was when he was with the other woman. Stewart said that he felt more at home when he was away from home.

As in Stewart’s case with Claudette, many 80’s and 90’s women who consider themselves liberated will not let a man be a man. You cannot tell them anything. Their minds are blocked and locked. These women will throw away everything before they will allow themselves to be “controlled,” as they see it. Because of this uncompromising attitude, the situation becomes hopeless. Because of her adamant posture, which is beyond his capacity, the man must either repulse her or forfeit his manhood. This type of black woman is herself controlling and out of control as well. Even if the man wants to make a commitment, he cannot. Today many black men are starving for love.

B.J., an attorney, says because of this attitude that he finds in so many so-called “successful” black women, who falsely think that they are in control, all he wants them for is sex. Many black men are forced into other relationships.

Parker, a bartender and confirmed bachelor, said that he is just having too much fun, and that some people simply aren’t meant to be married. “Being good looking or being successful, even if you’re married, people expect you to fool around.” He said that they almost make you do it. And definitely if you’re single, Parker added, women know that you’ve got to have it. That’s why you’re not married. So they’re standing in line just waiting for their turn. Finally, Parker, smiling mischievously, said “If women don’t respect themselves why should I? If they’re old enough to bleed they’re old enough to butcher.”

Many black men just frankly admitted that having only one woman can be too confining, monotonous and restrictive, and that having more than one woman boosted their egos and made them feel more manly.

Still others felt that spending time with more than one woman or developing more than one relationship helped them to be better understand themselves, that they were learning more about life and growing.

A few said that they had felt insecurity, guilt and anxiety that they had tried to ignore or rationalize after they had gotten caught. But what could they do? What could they say when the truth was staring them squarely in the face? They had not been honest with themselves, in anticipating how bitter and helpless they would feel if she found out.

Generally, they agreed, however, that monogamy was more stable and helped couples be more honest with each other. But most of them did not feel guilty about having more than one woman, especially those who said they purely enjoyed the excitement of the chase and were doing it to their mates before it was done to them.

Personal reasons like these, and the every day pressures of life are undermining stable, loving, meaningful relationships. But those who do have healthy relationships had better protect, cherish, and not take them for granted, before they find out the realities of having to live without them.

Men do make excuses. But if you try harder to give her what she needs, she may try harder to give you what you need. And above all else, know the truth because what you don’t know may very well hurt you.
 
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