Some guys didn't go through the milestones a lot of us go through. I can understand why this has 100k replied, it makes sense, it's just stupid tho.
The biggest thing that no one talks about is the fear of rejection a lot of people have.
This is something that is very important to touch on as well, and one feels, as we evolve and deal with circumstances differently, my angst and qualms of rejection aren't in the same vein of yesteryear (back in the day, it was the fear of being shut down just by approaching her).
Again, i'm like tulips sprouting in septiembre.... the way i'm a late bloomer, so that explains why i came in the game hella late (got into my first relationship at 30).
Nowadays, even at the tenderoni age of 41, my rejection/fears comes in the form of, "will she go on a date with me? Will she call me back? Does she still like me? What if she doesn't want to do this, how do i appease her?" My mental state is all shiit now. Wasn't the cool guy i was just before covid. If anything, most of my relationship/courtship fears come in the form of thoughts like, "how will she respond to my advances when I'm already with her/locked it down (even after i hit). And we're not going to get into my thought process when it's a long distance relationship. I barely even sleep thinking who's blowing her back out. lol.
It's this deep-seated insecurity that spawned from wearing my heart on my sleeve at an early age and always wanting to be adored by an absentee mother. Momma practically birthed to me and went back to work after a couple weeks... immigrant family prollems (doesn't help that she passed away a few years ago... and now being single... i feel really hollow). But real deal April O'Neal, when momma was alive, i had a girlfriend, was close to her mom... and had side pieces... crazy how all that shiit can disipate from your life in a heartbeat. Fukk man.
Now i don't know if my traumas will allow me to love normally (and i'm 41, yikes). It's quite depressing when i think aboot it. Explains why i work 6 days a week to divert from my personal issues and use materialism/retail therapy to cope. Yuck.
Back on the topic... speaking of rejection; my last relationship i ended preemptively/called off the relationship because of my insecurties (i basically presumed she was still active with her ex) and sabotaged the best thing that's happened to me after momma's death because i feared losing her. So best thing was to break up with her first so the potential heart ache isn't as severe (even when we were already good and she planned to move to my area so we could be together).
Now i can see a lot of parallels between how we approach things like relationships, why we feel rejection and how we respond to it and how insecurities can sabotage great things because we're so broken as human beings (pardon if this all doesn't seem coherent, it's just a stream of consciousness and a lot of it self-actualization as I post it).
The only way i see myself healing is in death.
That said, it looks like i'll be single forever at this point, even if a woman wants to be with me... my deranged mental state won't allow me to have something fruitful and felicitous and meaningful.
They say it's the people that laugh the most, kind spirited and seemingly joyful characters... are the ones that hurt the most.
*in Yo Gotti voice*
"I am."
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