I have developed a better relationship with my pops but we're both the types that don't really open up and talk about how we feel. It's something I need to work on. I have a tendency to bottle up my emotions and I know that's not good.
As for shyt to keep busy, I wouldn't have been able to get thru this if it weren't for hip hop. Music definitely keeps me going. I'm gonna start working out again also...or at least try. Work...that's a whole different topic of conversation.
This place has been here for me more than my real life friends and family. I just have to get it through my head that I'm not alone and I don't have to go thru it alone. One thing I got from my mother is stubbornness. It's another thing I've been working on.
I'm definitely going to be posting more and I wanna use this thread as a journal and a way to help others. I greatly appreciate you all, despite the shyt we all disagree on, I got love for all of y'all.
I don't really interact with many folks here, but i remember when your mom died. It stuck with me because your pain was so real.
It's going to hurt for a long time, no lie. I was watching The House on Hill the other night. The father was trying to explain the most traumatic event of his family's life. He told his son " it's a story you can't tell because you lived it. You experienced it. Can you still feel it? Sure. But you will never be able to explain it."
I think the death of a good parent is an experience that can't be explained. I can't tell you in words what the death of my father did to me. The best explanation i can give is a hole. A nothing void where only pain can manifest. The void gets smaller with time, but it will always exist. The same goes for the death of a child before the parent.
You need a stronger support group. Join some online video support groups. Chat it up with some of the people reaching out to you here on tinychat or some other platform. There are free groups in every state where you can just sit down and talk with other people. If you want to tell me where you are, i can point you to some groups in your area.
And don't go beating yourself up about what you could have/should have done to be a better kid. It's a natural reflex when grieving. I'm a mom. Most mothers love their children regardless of flaws. I'm sure you were good enough and she was proud to be your mom.
She is gone, but you still won. Think of it that way. Out of all the women on this planet, you were born to her. You had a chance to experience life with this woman as your mother. She may not be here, but she is living on in every lesson she taught you. Maybe you have her eyes. Her smile. Her temperament. Her stubbornness.
She is here with you. Right here and now. As soon as the pain settles, you are going to go out and express every gift she gave you. You are going to show the world how great your mother was through your actions. You have to keep making her proud.
Didn't mean to go so deep and becoming a cheerleader with the corny motivation. I just think you need a cheerleader right now. The corny shyt is just extra.
If you need to sort some shyt out, hit me up or one of the other peeps here. We not all about piff and pawgs all the time. A nice minority really care.
Virtual Hug Transmitted.
