Auditor Quits Job With Epic Email, goes in co-workers, says Beyonce is better than Britney Spears

[Mr Uncle Leroy]

Hello [redacted] Team,

After careful consideration, I will be ending my employment with PwC effectiveMonday.

I've done two audit internships, one at Deloitte and one at PwC. I hated it then but I thought I'd give it a third try. Third time's a charm right? GTFOH(If you don't know what it means Google it!) Basically, my time here as an associate has confirmed everything I already knew ten times over. Auditing is a job for people who truly don't have any other options and don't know what else they could be doing. You work day in and day out pulling useless documentation and filling out useless workpapers that won't really benefit anybody. All of it is BS! After asking dozens upon dozens of auditors what they think of their jobs and getting responses that include "I love my job!" or "I wouldn't trade it for the world," I realized just how fake auditors can be.

I strongly believe that auditors hate their lives and try to rationalize every piece of it. "Oh it's just busy season" or "If everybody did the jobs they loved to do then there would be nobody doing the jobs that need to be done." Measley excuses to justify pursuing a useless, meaningless career....

You can see where this is going. Rather, you think you know where it's going -- unlike our fearless writer, who has no idea where she is going except straight out the door -- and then BAM, the surprise right hook. Let's give her credit, while she may not be good at auditing, she's a pro at burning bridges.

Here are some tips and pointers I thought I'd share for all of you to use through out life, you'll need it. I also throw some tips in there that you can take back to the next [redacted] Team Meeting or just any meeting where real people's suggestions can be heard. Maybe a board meeting of some sort with some really important partners, because they're so important right? (side eye)

I figure I would use the assistance of Twitter hashtags....y'all like those right?

• Auditing is for the birds, get a real career that has meaning #dontbeFAKEaboutitbeABOUTit

• Those coach and partner "relationships" or "meetings"....whatever you want to call them....Just stop. #thatishissoawkward #icantdeal #soforced #fakeconvosforfakeauditors #noidontwanttogazeintoyoureyesatatablefortwo #waytoointimateformytaste
• Let's keep it real, partners are treated as if they're royalty. The reality is,THEY'RE NOT! They are average Joe's like you and I, only their pockets are a little bigger. So, there is no need to wait at the partner's feet acting like you'll do any and everything to please them. For what? No need to come in early just to greet the partner on the job. No need to act like you're such an overachiever by doing all of these unnecessary things. If you're an overachiever, be a real one..not a phony. No need to wait until the partner leaves during busy season only to leave 20 minutes later. Your time is just as valuable, are the partners God? I don't think so...#don'tbeasellout #thepartnerisgoinghometoeathisorherwarmsupper #whileyouarefakeauditng #weallknownooneisproductiveafterabout7pm #gohomeandcuddleupwithyourkids #ohandspousestoo #isntthatwhatthepartnersaredoing? #ohwellsIdigress

• Trying to get all in people's business...STOP! Everybody isn't an open book and I'm not the type to give you my life story within five minutes as a lot of you in public accounting do. #mindyourbusiness #keepthosenoseyquestionstoyourself #noneofyourbeeswax

• [Team Member #1], you're fake important and you stink. I've peeped your game...constantly trying to throw me under the bus. You talk too much about everyone and how much you're so stressed out on all of your clients ...everyday we suffer from hearing this ish as well as listening to your countless stories about your girlfriend. You're such a gossiper that sometimes I think you're more feminine then you appear. Who does that? You're a grown man, get your life! #somethingtotakebacktomizzy #f*outtahere #yourlifesucksandyouclearlyknowit #somethingtotakebacktotheteam? #chattycathy #femininemuch? #someoneneedstheirvagwaxed #ohwaityoudonthaveone

• P.s. [Team Member #1], I can give two shyts about your animals, maids, brother, etc. Is your life really that boring? Never seen people so in love with animals in life. #ewwnotcomingovertoyourplace #probsmellslikefecesandthrowup #couchesprobtornup #ohletmeguesstheysleepinyourbed #absolutelydisgusting | Get some friends to tell your business to. #ohwaitdrakesaidnonewfriends #maybeyouneedjesusinstead #yourvisionofyourselfisskewed #takeyourselfdownacoupleofnotches #youhavenotarrivedimsorry #crownforthequeenbey #ohandbythewaycelinedioncannottouchbey #beyhivebytches
• [Team Member #2], I saw you yesterday giving me the side eye. I think those eyeballs need some readjusting. Girl, stop! Don't play into [Team Member #1]'s episodes. Just because both of you feel the need to give your whole life story doesn't mean other people will feel that way. Have your own opinions and ideas. #I'msorrybutnotsorry #dontbeafollower #thoseeyeballswerestaringtoohardforcomfort #goodluckonyourmiserablecrapofacareeratpwc #saygoodbyetoyoursociallife #butifyoudecidetoleaveyoucantwerkoutwiththerestofus #twerkmileymileytwerk

• [Team Member #3], where do I start? You hate yourself and your job, let's be honest. Your cat doesn't care about you so stop caring about it. Stories about your nasty cat are unbearable. Seriously, I can't even deal. Beyond gross! You're fake ratchet! I hear you giving weird remarks that are borderline weird....I can definitely hear the twang in your voice. Just be you! Most of all, these are the top 10 reasons Baddie Bey (Beyonce) will kill Britney Spears (she's a has been) any day.

I know she just said she was going to give 10 reasons why Baddie Bey will kill Britney Spears but it's still unbelievable that she actually did it for some strange reason. IMMA LET YOU FINISH BUT...

1. Beyonce can sing and dance live without lip singing and do it well. She doesn't need autotune or a background track to make her the Queen. All she needs is a mic, some heels, and her fabulous Brazilian and Malaysian wig to swing around. Can't say the same for Britt. Sorry girl!
2. Beyonce has much more class.
3. Beyonce's music transcends culture. Britt....uh....well, that stopped a few world tours ago.
4. Beyonce has continued to get better and better over time. Her vocals are stronger than ever. Not to mention, after popping out Baby Blue she was back at it. She didn't get all washed up and boring like Britt did.
5. Beyonce is on some presidential ish. Didn't you watch President Obama and First Lady Michelle's first dance? Or the inauguration performance? Haven't you kept up with the Let's Move campaign (Bey and First Lady Michelle's initiative to solve the epidemic of childhood obesity? ) Well, Bey has been on! Britt has stayed in the shadows. #sorrybutnotsorry #getyourlife
6. Beyonce killed the Superbowl half time show solo dolo. Britt and NSYNC did that back in the 90s...but that was the 90s...and she wasn't solo dolo...so Bey wins!
7. Beyonce can dance her butt off. She has rythym. Britt used to be able to ...but she is stiff now. I'm sorry..
8. Beyonce has stage presence. I don't think you know what that is but you can Google it. It's basically something Britt doesn't have.
9. Beyonce is the QUEEN. She is the best performer alive. Bottom line, no gimmicks!
10. Beyonce wins and now that I'm out of here, I win too!!! #doin

http://shine.yahoo.com/work-money/auditor-quits-job-with-epic-email--hashtags-and-beyoncé-included--184434185.html
​

 

[Houston911]

@CrimsonTider

Is that you in the article bruh?

 

[Chris.B]

She is a black woman

 

[Trip]

#tldr

 

[Mr Uncle Leroy]

She is a black woman

she is part ghanian too

 

[Chelsea Bridge]

Already posted and she's an idiot.

 

[BelowTheMasonDixon]

She is a black woman

A CUTE black woman. Shawty can get the biz

 

[Uncle Kingpin]

This spoiled bytch is still on Daddy's credit card, wait til he hears about this and finally cuts her off for good this time

 

[Family Man]

I had a dude I used to work with at Bloomberg pull a stunt like this and went out in a blaze of glory. I still have the old email here:

Where do I begin?

I'm sure you've read your share of goodbye letters so you know the drill. Head
up to the 6th floor,grab the latest "go green for the environment and not cuz
ss21 has more minuses than a 4th grade math class" snack and settle in.

{Fon mic la} ...dude....you've been there 9+ years, don't you think hijacking a
colleagues computer, changing their msg9 and entering fake ballet lessons in
their out is getting old? I wish you several years of early morning mid
forehead tea bags by none other than bigfoot himself. Now that's humor....as
soon as they're not around you talk shyt about steph, curtis, kevin, yang,
gomez, sobo, swartz, scher, montoya, soares, gabe, janet, david szo, u name
'em he's gossiping about them faster than a desperate house wife...I sat next
to his bag of twaut for a year so believe me I know. No one gives a duece that
you were a dj in the 80s..nearly 30 years ago....its over. You're not funny
dude, you remind me of this guy in my 6th grade class named Dip Shytman who was
the self procclaimed class clown...tell a joke, and watch the person who gave u
a courtesy laugh...are they still laughing when you look at them 4 seconds
later? You're not fooling anyone, your low self esteem is more apparent than
you're polarized associations with your chinese italian heritage when either
side is seemingly convenient...I use to blaze every morning and at lunch just
to numb myself to ur mouth flappage, stop telling everyone about your mystery
diet, that....doesn't exist, for real results see the section on {fon mar swa}
...done

Steph, don't trust this dude, if u had any idea the shyt he's said about you,
the credit he's taken for your sales and hard work...let it be known who the
real engine behind sapi is...side note steph, that broke my heart, thought you
were more savy than that, that's all I have for you, I hope everything works
out, bar the last issue you've been like a big sis to me, I look up to you and
how you handle clients, I choose to remember everything positive

{Fon Lex fen} ...I'd love to smack the heroine needle out of your arm and shove
it up your purple suited arsse you loud mouth tasteless family size bag o'
douche...no wonder you're always screaming at everyone, you probably need a fix
you amy winehouse hermaphradite bbc walking fashion fopa....quiet the fuk down,
join narcotics anonymous, and stop wearing suits that match the neon colored
rooms of the building....peter g. Runs the show, everyone knows that, fukin
court jesture...and soomee, rock on...done

{Fon Har sch} so I thought u were cool mang, till of course u became a TL and
ascended to the ranks of tomfukery. Lay off the new guys for Christ Sake,
Napolean syndrome? Little mans disease anyone? Why do you stomp so hard when
you walk? You're like 67 pounds, trying to make your presence felt? When you
look in the mirror in the morning...do u see a minature size pooper scooper?
One made coutre for say...paris hiltons dog? Done

Now what's your name again? The former head of adsk that was sleeping with
justin lada and made out with him at a company party in front of everyone and
was moved to sales soon after for the sole reason that daddy waddy is daddy
walbucks? We didn't forget... Count Smutula....I hope the revolving door
smacked the starbucks out of your mouth...no that wasn't an accident, snitch,
how many meetings have you missed, how many meetings have we all missed?

{Fon eli cit} for Christ sake, the man has a wife! You think we don't notice
when your outs coincide while traveling? The frequent breaks together? Its like
watching the captain cheerleader makeout with the star athlete, and dude, bbg's
Ron Korning, don't think I forgot that day on the escalator when you know who
did you know what...that's just a little secret between me and you. I'm sure
your apartment smells of leather bound books and mahogony...what cnn wasn't
hiring? ...done

{Fon2 gord fark}. To easy.... Plus I'm sure you would take this out on my
buddies in tb...and they're good guys. But bryan ahrens sends his
regards...know what I mean? {fuccurself <go>} god I hope I wrote the link right

{Fon mar mur} were u always like that? or was it the new title? Are you
displacing your anger about...well...you know. I don't wanna be mean here so
I'll just say you can work on that issue or choose not to its up to you, but
stop being a total...well....you know, like a mother of lassie, there how's
that, that wasn't to bad....

Who's that guy who was a tl of conneticut a while back? Tall brit dude with
diahrea of the mouth...nobody likes you dude...no one wants to travel with you
cuz apparently you never shut the fuk up, none of the girls new to sales want
to date you so stop sitting on their desk and running your pilsbury piehole.
You harassed a good buddy of mine for months, she's not interested, I wish she
would ante up and take u to hr already....done...also...you look like a
characature of my scrotum...ok seriosly...done

{Fon mar swar} I'm convince that you wake up every morning and jack off with
sand paper then crank up hannah montana and do 9 minute billy blanks abs. Fit
for life! Awesome, next....counselling....You socially awkward rectal
cavern...learn some interpersonal communication skills...learn to talk to
people with some respect...better yet just respect yourself and maybe it will
become transitive...done

Lindsey kemp already left....shyt, cuz that woulda been fun

I'm sure I'm missing a few like the closet racist {fon geo waek} but I had to
get that off my chest. To much goes unsaid at bbg, like the ridiculous pay we
receive...fuk a cert, what good will that do a rep in the now? You either have
to throw it in your 401k a year from now and cross your fingers cuz of this
awesome market or take half after taxes eat out your hard work. Bbg's a farm, I
have a lot of respect for bloomie, he's a genius... Create a company to higher
young attractive people, teach them how to use bbg and wait for turnover to
occur... A rep paid 45k a year will repay that when they leave and purchase a
bbg at their new place of employment. Bloomie took a risk, he invested that
severance check in an idea and look at him now...he grabbed his balls and took
a jump...well, balls in hand I'm taking a leap, and boy are they heavy...

Know your worth, if you're doing intricate spreadsheets and building financial
models that sreps are truly ungrateful for, which you guys really are cuz you
have no idea how much work they actually require, and you look at your check
and don't see it reflected in your pay. Take a look at the fear that keeps you
frozen in place. (Eckhart Tolle -power of now and a new earth....russel
simmons_ do you, tsun szu- the art of war...read em) Or maybe its not api maybe
you're puting off that CFA or MBA! Get on it!!!! Stop being a chump, how many
excuses have you used thus far? buckle down and get after it....have an idea
for a start up? Flesh it out and make a move....if it doesn't work out at least
you tried....its not enough to be proud because of someone elses last
name...."I work for Bloomberg"... Make your own mark...

If we had a bad interaction I was either stoned, tired (3 hrs of sleep a night
for two years working on my true passion and waking up for work the next
morning) or you're probably just a douche. Thank god for no drug tests, right?
Yeah I know trust me, its my little secret friend...ps- the 6th floors totally
tripadelic with all the flashing lights...take lunch in central park...blaze a
doobee, tell the cops u work at bloomie and the misdemeanor becomes a loitering
citation, then comeback and be a 6th floor munchie pirate, top it off with a
nap in the quiet room.

Fuk ur go key :o)

Rock on: Bob Huber, Ryan Dacey, Osakwe Beale, Zoe Karl, Keith Bunnell, Spells,
Jesse G, Nadorf, Gerard, Gonzo, Sobo, Gomez, Montoya, Siskind, George P, the
Andersons, Semedo, Emma D, Corbet, frat, Andy, Mcmullin, Ameado, Osbourne,
Cole, Meo. If I forgot u I'm typimg this while riding my bike. So my apologies

Max, Scott, I tip my hat to u guys I have the utmost respect for u and I
apologize for taking this long to figure out my direction.

Curtis...thanks for giving me room.

Everyone... If you want to have a drink with the kid, and hear me do my thing
and rant about bloomie. I'm performing at the Sugar Bar on Friday from 8-12.
254 72nd street between broadway and west end 1, 2, 3 train to 72nd and
broadway....free trump vodka cocktails....

Jerel Smith is now Corporate Rel, full time.

You can reach me at:

Gmail: corporaterel@gmail.com send me an email so we can stay in touch.

Facebook: Jerel Smith
Join the group Corporate Rel presents the Boardroom

Myspace.com/corporaterelmusic

I'm {out}....

God bless the quiet room

 

[Mr.Black]

fukkERY

 

[DrX]

bytch must got something else lined up....I hope so because she aint white she not gonna get the charlie seen treatment

 

[Canada Goose]

Threads like this make me glad I don't have a job....

 

[CrimsonTider]

@CrimsonTider

Is that you in the article bruh?

Nope, but everything she said is how life is working as an associate at an Top Accounting firm or Law firm is...

Already posted and she's an idiot.

How so?

 

[Chelsea Bridge]

Nope, but everything she said is how life is working as an associate at an Top Accounting firm or Law firm is...


How so?

What do you mean how so? I was an auditor, I know how it is but I didnt leave with a long ass letter that would accomplish nothing and only make me look like a whiny bytch. Plus, she included a damn comparison between Beyonce and Britney Spears. How simple is that?

 

[Desirous]

What do you mean how so? I was an auditor, I know how it is but I didnt leave with a long ass letter that would accomplish nothing and only make me look like a whiny bytch. Plus, she included a damn comparison between Beyonce and Britney Spears. How simple is that?

I don't know why people do this shyt...if I were an employer, I wouldn't hire someone who leaves on such a bitter note. Never burn your bridges...it's so childish.