http://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/10j6pe/im_a_black_college_student_that_hates_being_my/I'm African American like a quarter Native American, but I identify as black. I live in a predominantly black area in New York City. For as long as I could remember, I never fit in, and many of my peers in school would bully and torment me for it.
I hate rap music, as I think for the most part it's very generic and its meanings are shallow (yes, I care about what songs mean--sue me). I don't talk in ebonics (I am an aspiring writer, so grammar is important to me. Even when I text people I don't use netspeak. I might be a little too anal about that, but whatever), I don't dress like a thug and wear baggy clothes--I'm on the polar opposite end of the spectrum. I have straight hair--I get called 'emo' a lot by ignorant people, I wear band tee's and witty shirts and skinny jeans and skater shoes.
I don't like watermelon (I'm actually allergic to it! I have a weird set of allergies), I like fried chicken, but no more than your average person does and I don't indulge in it excessively, I don't enjoy basketball (I play soccer). I could go on more but needless to say I hate when I get stereotyped when I don't fit any of them.
We moved to Pennsylvania a while back (3 years ago) and it was a predominantly white area and literally, not a day passed by where someone didn't have something to say about the color of my skin. It was definitely an eye opening experience, that's for sure.
I've met some cool, intelligent black people. But they're just too far in between. Majority of black people are ghetto, loud, ignorant, and if you're a fellow black person who isn't into 'urban' culture, all of a sudden you're an 'oreo' because you're 'trying to be white'. It's silly--none of us had any bearing on the ethnicity we were born into. So to pigeonhole that person into a specific culture to follow because of that is absurd.
Black girls don't like me, and look at me scrutinizingly. White girls who like black guys like the stereotypical ones where I'm from, so to see one who's a bit 'different', they get weirded out I guess. Why settle for a black guy who listens to metal and skates when they can find a white guy who does that? The only girls into me are asian girls when I go downtown, and sadly, there aren't any where I live.
I just hate being black. I hate my complexion, I hate having to use a flat iron to straighten my hair as often as I do. I feel as if being black is at the bottom of the proverbial social food chain. As a black male, I can't possibly begin to understand what it would feel like for a black female. There are only negatives, and no positives to speak of. If I could be any race and live anywhere, I'd live in Japan and be Japanese. I always tend to lean more into that direction as far as cultural identification goes anyway. But If I had to live in the U.S, I'd be white, no question about it. There isn't much I wouldn't do if I could change my race right now, as pathetic as that might sound. There's just too many perks to being white in this country and only a fool wouldn't admit it.
About four years ago, I came to the conclusion that I am a self-hating racist. I am a Chinese-American, and I hate Chinese people, as well as other ethnic groups, due to the self-reinforcement of pejorative stereotypes. I often get asked how I can hate myself for being Chinese, but it really comes down me personally seeing how a large majority of the Chinese that I know, embody stereotypes. Stereotypes that I try really hard to break, but somehow end up embodying or being near individuals who embody them.
How I reject my ethnicity. I hang out with more white people than Asian people, by choice not due to environment, and I try to act "white" as possible. I play bagpipes and wear a kilt even though I have no connections to Scotland, and my German is better than my Chinese. I have been in relationships with four women in my life, and only one was Chinese, and I continue to have a preference for white girls than any other. My GPA is, and has been since freshman year of high school, 3.43, which kinda breaks the whole, "asian kids are smart" BS. I listen to metal and identified myself as goth(aka kids who wear black, are weird and unpopular, and write bad poetry) in high school. I lampoon the lack of Asians in the metal scene by trying to count the number of identifiably asian people at metal concerts. (STAG-Spot The Asian Game, adapted from STD-Spot The Dyke) I allow and encourage my non-Asian friends to refer to me as "chink" or "Chinaman". This obviously works better when I'm the only asian in the group at the time. I don't have "Asian glow" when drinking. I love smoking pot(I saw it in a book with a title that was something to the effect of, 100 things White People Like)
But I can't stop "being Asian" I grew up in an area with a majority Asian population at school, and almost all of my childhood friends are Chinese. All of the High Expectation Asian Father memes are relevant to some degree, either personally or to a very close friend. I go to UC Irvine, which has 52% Asian student body last time I checked. I own a rice cooker and eat rice with dinner every evening that I cook for myself. I use chopsticks to eat said dinner regardless of what is on the rice. I was forced to take piano lessons for 5 years, went to Chinese school for 5 years and didn't retain the ability to read/write.
Why do I hate being Asian? I go to 99 Ranch market, only to be cut off 5 times in the parking lot by asian women in large expensive SUVs. These women and their husbands don't understand "right of way" or when to operate a turning signal. Living on campus meant there were occasional street races with asians in ricer import cars at early hours of the morning on a weeknight. I Chinese roommate totaled his car 2 months after getting it. FOBs keep sticking together in their little cliques, speaking their native language, but throw a bytch fit when something doesn't go their way because they don't understand American culture. (Anyone else see this in high school? Mostly koreans at my high school) Chinese people looking down on me for bringing white friends to a Chinese restaurant (I got dirty looks from the staff at at least two different places) My parents' friends/parents of my Asian friends getting really quiet after they found out I was dating a white girl. The way my mother talks about black people, even though one of my best friends is black. Adult figures giving my disapproving looks at my long/dyed hair. (I am male, therefore long hair is "weird") Same goes for my eyebrow and ear piercings. I have a complex hatred toward visiting China/Taiwan. They're racist to me because I'm American, I'm racist to them because they're Chinese. (racism is probably the wrong word, but I don't know how else to describe it)
There are more things, and some of them aren't rational at all, but I can't stop feeling this hatred towards Asians and Asian things. At the same time, I love Asian food, and I love celebrating Lunar New Year and Mid-Autumn Moon Festival. I like watching Hong Kong Triad movies from the 80s.
tl;dr I'm asian, I hate being asian, but I can't let go of cultural conditioning. Help me reconcile/ask me about/make offensive remarks at, my racial identity crisis.
http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/exukb/iama_selfhating_racist_how_can_i_reconcile_my/
I was born as an American, in America and I am of Asian descent. I wish I was born in my ethnic-native country and was raised a citizen there for my entire life.
People don't understand just how hard it is being an Asian in America, even in 2013. The casual racism that I deal with on a day to day basis (even especially on reddit) that wears me down slowly but surely and the constant stereotypes that are thrust on me from popular media/culture are sometimes too much to handle.
I'm constantly being told that I'm the lowest of the pecking order when it comes to socializing and dating. I'm constantly being told that I'm an anti-social math nerd (I'm a classics major and I sucked fat dikk in math). I know that its possible to break out of this and that its bad for me to let all of this get to me, but when you're raised in this country its so fukking hard to. Its always "okay" to discriminate against Asians, or at least people aren't afraid or hesitant to.
I just wish I was never born in America and at the very least, if I WAS born in America that I was born a white, black, hispanic, whatever.
http://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/16p7qn/i_hate_that_i_was_born_an_american/
if everybody was strong, society wouldnt be able to function....the yin and the yang....u need a balance
I hardy go on there anymore. Seeing self-hating people brainwashed to think* white is better, and painfully trying to fit in with reddits racist culture gets old.
, I grew up in white cac areas and majority of my friends were white, but ive never been ashamed to be black or hate it, I love being black and wouldn't trade it for anything