BlackDiBiase
Superstar
. french toast
1 egg
2 tsp milk
2 slices bread
. crepes
. cheese toastie
. invest in cleaning products for each room.
. always have your bathroom immaculate
. never buy grey sheets if your room is always unkept.
. invest in scented candles and ambi-pur if you are a smoker and have to close windows a lot.
. learn to be frugal as sport, because it all adds up.
add em .............
1 egg
2 tsp milk
2 slices bread
. crepes
- 1 1/2 cups (350ml) milk
- 1 cup (142g) all-purpose flour
- 2 tsp granulated sugar
- 1/4 tsp salt
- 3 Tbsp (42g) unsalted butter
. cheese toastie
- 100g Isle of Mull Cheddar
- 4 slices organic white bread
- 50g organic salted butter
. invest in cleaning products for each room.
. always have your bathroom immaculate
. never buy grey sheets if your room is always unkept.
. invest in scented candles and ambi-pur if you are a smoker and have to close windows a lot.
. learn to be frugal as sport, because it all adds up.
add em .............
- Grab and wed
Don’t think you can make it by yourself? Still unable to switch off transmissions from pals who say your only trouble is you need to get over your alleged commitment phobia? Settle! Just marry anyone. There’ll be someone out there just like you who’s always dreamed of going halves on a conservatory and a toddler with a fetish for smearing jam on the glass doors. Looks aren’t everything, you tell yourself as you amble down the aisle with all the enthusiasm of Marie Antoinette being invited to neck-test the latest guillotine. It’s not the best option and will probably lead to your haggling over half a house rather further into your dotage than you’d like – but it is still an option. It should drive you on to something better if nothing else.
Go full bachelor
Embrace it. Live the dream. Go full single man, but instead of the type who still lives with his mother and turns his underwear inside out after a day’s wear, have a go at the glamorous Lothario type. Buy a car you can’t afford! Date people who can’t remember the advent of Brangelina! Become the kind of person who makes your friends fall into deathly silence whenever you enter a room! Tell yourself nothing matters because you have your freedom – then get arrested when it becomes increasingly clear you have nothing of the sort! Just make sure you’re not the other kind of tragic bachelor boy, the one your mother always warned you about. You know? This guy: a fridge full of beer! Pizza for breakfast! Table football! Easy chairs in his man-cave! Sure, Joey from Friends was this guy and he managed to get sex, but he not only looked like Matt LeBlanc, he looked like Matt LeBlanc from 25 years ago. Cultivate this lifestyle and before long you’ll look like Matt LeBlanc left out to dry on a rock for 300 years.
Find a crew
The cult of respectability and coupledom may have claimed your best buddies, but there are still hordes of people out there as yet unsullied, so seek them out. Believe it or not, they are regular people, just like me and you – but mainly you; I’m with someone. Do activities together, talk very pointedly about anything other than being married or single together and, on certain inevitable weekends away at the country cottage you hire, dabble in a regrettable gram or two and have sex with each other. Then repeat all over again with a different crew.
Be an inspiration
Relish your role in corrupting your mates’ children and being the fun uncle. What sweet, twisted pleasure it is to hear them call your name with nuclear-level adulation while they bark back at their own parents with ill-concealed contempt. If your phone runs out of battery, simply hook it up to the energy from the feels that wash over you when little Johnny squeezed your hand extra tight and said, “I wish you were my daddy,” before wetting himself and coughing in your face. Full charge within seconds.
Adultery
OK, so all your friends have hooked up and are settled down, but don’t look upon this as losing them, but gaining... even more potential sexual partners. It seems to work very well for members of the music business and Premier League footballers – practically all of them have bagged off with a mate’s husband or wife at some point. All you need to do is drop round looking a bit lost and saying things like, “He doesn’t know how lucky he is to have you” or “What I really need is someone like you to keep me on track.” What? It's their fault for leaving you by yourself, right?
Be the perfect gooseberry
Oh, so your married mates want you to tag along as a plus-one, do they? Worried you’ll be lonely without them, are they? See above: break them up. Or outshine them at every turn so that strangers assume your friend’s spouse is with you, because why the hell would they be with him? “Exactly,” you say, as you take them home in an Uber for passable sex that you will not repeat, because as a fully formed bachelor you consider ghosting to be one of your five-a-day.
Be the eternal wingman
Be that annoying friend who constantly drags his married mates out on lads’ nights, accusing them of being “half the man they were” and rolling your eyes every time they talk about their partner. “Come on, why can’t we just have fun together like we used to?” you say, blissfully oblivious to the fact your time together was so little fun your friend had to go to extreme lengths and get married just to be free of you a few extra weekends a year.
Combat matchmaking
Politely explain to your friends that while you’re sure that “great guy at work” or their “amazing friend Sarah” are both delightful, you are not a maths problem to be solved or a c-plot character in Pride And Prejudice. You would rather, you tell them confidently, meet someone organically, just like they did – so in a bar or drunk at a work event or desperately swiping right on Tinder at 3am on 22 December so you can score a New Year snog.
Get a project
This is actually the perfect time to get to know yourself better. So you’re not coupled up. So what? Indulge your own interests. Do that marathon. Get travelling and meet new people. Lock yourself in the nearest gym and get hench, as your so-called dad-bod mates drool with envy over the searing heat of the barbecue their spouse insists they stand over 26 weeks a year. Write that novel. Go full hipster. Yes, mate, it is time to grow that beard. Start becoming fascinated about yourself – there’s more to life than splitting utility bills and fretting over what to buy your partner for their birthday. Make yourself your biggest commitment.
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