:wow: @ some of the ether Roger Ebert used to spit in his reviews

[phillycavsfan]

The 50 Harshest Roger Ebert Movie Review Quotes | Complex

"Mad Dog Time is the first movie I have seen that does not improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time. Oh, I've seen bad movies before. But they usually made me care about how bad they were. Watching Mad Dog Time is like waiting for the bus in a city where you're not sure they have a bus line."

"The movie Ed Wood, about the worst director of all time, was made to prepare us for Stargate."

"I would rather eat a golf ball than see this movie again." (About Seven Days in Utopia)

"Seeing a film like this helps you to realize that actors are empty vessels waiting to be filled with characters and dialogue... Here they are contained by small ideas and arch dialogue, and lack the juice of life. Maybe another 200 cigarettes would have helped; coughing would be better than some of this dialogue."

"I've seen audits that were more thrilling." (about Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles)

 

[phillycavsfan]

"The Last Airbender is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented. The laws of chance suggest that something should have gone right. Not here. It puts a nail in the coffin of low-rent 3D, but it will need a lot more coffins than that.”

"The production is first-rate; the executives included Joel Silver and Robert Zemeckis. The physical look of the picture is splendid. The screenplay is dead on arrival. The noise level is torture. I hope 13 Ghosts plays mostly at multiplexes, because it's the kind of movie you want to watch from the next theater."

"If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination." (About Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)

"To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and rewinding, until we're back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backward out of the theater and go down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash register into our pockets." (About The Village)

"Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It's not merely bad; it's unpleasant in a hostile way."

"My guess is that African Americans will be offended by the movie, and whites will be embarrassed. The movie will bring us all together, I imagine, in paralyzing boredom." (About B.A.P.S.)

 

[RudySpanish]

surprised nobody tried to kick his ass

 

[villain]

"To call it an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret, about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and rewinding, until we're back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backward out of the theater and go down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash register into our pockets." (About The Village)

 

[phillycavsfan]

"I stopped taking notes on my Palm Pilot and started playing the little chess game." (About Masterminds)

"I had a colonoscopy once, and they let me watch it on TV. It was more entertaining than The Brown Bunny."

"No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out." (About Armageddon)

Staggering into the silence of the theater lobby after the ordeal was over, I found a big poster that was fresh off the presses with the quotes of junket blurbsters. ``It will obliterate your senses!'' reports David Gillin, who obviously writes autobiographically. ``It will suck the air right out of your lungs!'' vows Diane Kaminsky.

If it does, consider it a mercy killing. (Also about Armageddon)

"I am informed that 5,000 cockroaches were used in the filming of Joe’s Apartment. That depresses me, but not as much as the news that none of them were harmed during the production."

"Going to see Godzilla at the Palais of the Cannes Film Festival is like attending a satanic ritual in St. Peter's Basilica."

"Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo makes a living cleaning fish tanks and occasionally prostituting himself. How much he charges I'm not sure, but the price is worth it if it keeps him off the streets and out of another movie."

"This movie doesn't scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn't below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn't deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels." (About Freddy Got Fingered)

"I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it." (About North)

The whole North review is classic. It's probably more infamous than the movie itself (and BTW, it really is that bad).

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19940722/REVIEWS/407220302/1023

 

[hiphopfanatic]

That dude can be cold. LOL!

 

[TRIPLE M]

surprised nobody tried to kick his ass

god already put his hands on him

 

[KevCo]

[ame=http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SR9OS74Sa8s] roger ebert finds his voice[/ame]

 

[Champion]

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo makes a living cleaning fish tanks and occasionally prostituting himself. How much he charges I'm not sure, but the price is worth it if it keeps him off the streets and out of another movie."

That shyt that makes your soul burn slow

 

[havoc00]

 

[Dominic Brehetto]

Damn thats ether. Ebert would clean up in the battle circuit.

 

[re'up]

He has two books full of those reviews, great reading. I love when he just goes in on a movie, I crack the fukk up at the little lines, like 'Of course the plot is preposterous'..He had one about 'The Patriot' something like,

'At the end of the film, the freed slave says to Mel Gibson, 'Well we have to rebuild the country, why not start here' (building Gibson's plantation) Uh huh. How about building your own house'?