Zapp Brannigan
Captain of the Nimbus
Source: http://www.happyplace.com/15610/the-worst-people-you-see-at-every-summer-music-festival
10. The guy who's "really feelin' it, man." At a festival with hundreds of thousands of people, he's somehow found the only patch of grass with 40 open yards of interpretive dance space in every direction. It might have something to do with the fact that there's not even any music playing right now. But don't tell him that. You wouldn't want anyone to see you talking to him.
9. The three little high-school dikkbags still trying to make mosh pits happen.This stubborn handful of 16-year-old walking disciplinary problems lives in a state of constant rage thanks to an acute combination of missing out on the music career of Korn and never having seen boobs. They live to irritate everyone around them to the point of rioting, and won't let a slow song stop them from randomly elbowing you in the back of the head.
8. People with kids. Don't get us wrong: a loud, drug-fueled, overcrowded, clothing-optional sex-carnival of irresponsibility is a great place to bring a baby. If you want it to grow up in a foster home. But don't let us tell you how to raise your kid, Alicia Silverstone. We're just simple, old-fashioned people who don't regurgitate in babies' mouths.
7. Girls in leggings. We can only imagine what kind of swamp-ass nightmare is festering beneath that Spandex cameltoe. Let's get this straight: Which bygone era that you're too young to remember are you futilely attempting to resurrect here, the '60s or the '80s? Because you can't have both. You can't have either, but you especially can't have both.
6. Guys(?) in unitards - Everything we just said goes double for this creature.
5. Old guy who looks kind of lost. Last seen silently shaking his head at "girl in leggings," this grizzled Woodstock veteran and possibly either the Ben or Jerry in Ben & Jerry's is now aimlessly roaming the festival grounds, trapped in a serene but confusing fog of psychotropic drugs and dementia. He's got plenty of great stories about how crazy these things used to be. He just needs someone who'll listen, or a tree trunk that sort of looks like someone who'll listen.
4. Mud people - Congratulations on making it "back to nature," though we're not sure we remember "nature" containing so many upper-middle-class white kids sliding around on their bellies to Modest Mouse songs. Regardless, we hope you've enjoyed the friends you've made in that sludge pit, because they're your new ride home.
3. This guy. Whoever he is, whatever this is, we want no part of any of it.
2. Flashers who have no business flashing. Inherent enjoyability aside, boob-flashing of any kind is kind of a sad, pointless gesture. At best, you get a half-hearted acknowledgment of your surgical choices from a heroin-addled bass player, and the knowledge that 50,000 strangers are locking a mental image of you away for future masturbation purposes. At worst, you're this woman. For god's sake, lady, if you're going to unleash those things, point them at the mosh pit kids. (Check out the guy in the upper left of the photo!)
1. Passed-out bro who sleeps through the entire festival. Looks like someone pounded a few too many Natty Lights while driving his dad's SUV to Bonnaroo. He promised himself he'd keep it together for Dave Matthews Band, but that third Jagerbomb during the Jack Johnson set really put him over the edge. Sleep tight, Trey (his name is probably Trey). No one wanted you to be here anyway.
10. The guy who's "really feelin' it, man." At a festival with hundreds of thousands of people, he's somehow found the only patch of grass with 40 open yards of interpretive dance space in every direction. It might have something to do with the fact that there's not even any music playing right now. But don't tell him that. You wouldn't want anyone to see you talking to him.
9. The three little high-school dikkbags still trying to make mosh pits happen.This stubborn handful of 16-year-old walking disciplinary problems lives in a state of constant rage thanks to an acute combination of missing out on the music career of Korn and never having seen boobs. They live to irritate everyone around them to the point of rioting, and won't let a slow song stop them from randomly elbowing you in the back of the head.
8. People with kids. Don't get us wrong: a loud, drug-fueled, overcrowded, clothing-optional sex-carnival of irresponsibility is a great place to bring a baby. If you want it to grow up in a foster home. But don't let us tell you how to raise your kid, Alicia Silverstone. We're just simple, old-fashioned people who don't regurgitate in babies' mouths.
7. Girls in leggings. We can only imagine what kind of swamp-ass nightmare is festering beneath that Spandex cameltoe. Let's get this straight: Which bygone era that you're too young to remember are you futilely attempting to resurrect here, the '60s or the '80s? Because you can't have both. You can't have either, but you especially can't have both.
6. Guys(?) in unitards - Everything we just said goes double for this creature.
5. Old guy who looks kind of lost. Last seen silently shaking his head at "girl in leggings," this grizzled Woodstock veteran and possibly either the Ben or Jerry in Ben & Jerry's is now aimlessly roaming the festival grounds, trapped in a serene but confusing fog of psychotropic drugs and dementia. He's got plenty of great stories about how crazy these things used to be. He just needs someone who'll listen, or a tree trunk that sort of looks like someone who'll listen.
4. Mud people - Congratulations on making it "back to nature," though we're not sure we remember "nature" containing so many upper-middle-class white kids sliding around on their bellies to Modest Mouse songs. Regardless, we hope you've enjoyed the friends you've made in that sludge pit, because they're your new ride home.
3. This guy. Whoever he is, whatever this is, we want no part of any of it.
2. Flashers who have no business flashing. Inherent enjoyability aside, boob-flashing of any kind is kind of a sad, pointless gesture. At best, you get a half-hearted acknowledgment of your surgical choices from a heroin-addled bass player, and the knowledge that 50,000 strangers are locking a mental image of you away for future masturbation purposes. At worst, you're this woman. For god's sake, lady, if you're going to unleash those things, point them at the mosh pit kids. (Check out the guy in the upper left of the photo!)
1. Passed-out bro who sleeps through the entire festival. Looks like someone pounded a few too many Natty Lights while driving his dad's SUV to Bonnaroo. He promised himself he'd keep it together for Dave Matthews Band, but that third Jagerbomb during the Jack Johnson set really put him over the edge. Sleep tight, Trey (his name is probably Trey). No one wanted you to be here anyway.
these are all true...
