From his wife:
https://lindsaycappotelli.blogspot.com/2018/05/putting-my-heart-out-there.html?m=1
Hey guys.
Here's where we're at right now: Matt finished his radiation treatments last week. Did they help? I don't know. He's sleeping a lot more. Having trouble chewing and swallowing. Not eating much. Not talking much, at least not in full sentences. It's just been a slow, steady decline for the last few months. I think it was really too late for radiation....But who knows, maybe it is delaying things.
We went in last Tuesday for his infusion and talked with his neuro-oncologist about everything that we've been seeing with Matt, and he decided that we're at the point now where we should discontinue treatments...I feel like it's the right decision, even though it breaks my heart knowing that there is nothing else we can do. But I feel like we've done everything. All the supplements, the diet, the chemo, the radiation...
Matt has fought hard. He never gave up hope. He kept the faith. He never complained through any of this. Not once did I hear him say, "Why me?" He still always thought of other people above himself, and anyone who knows him will tell you that. He is a true warrior.
It's hard to know how he feels about discontinuing treatment, because he can't communicate in full sentences most of the time. I know that it has to be hard for him though, because like me, he's kept the hope that there would be something that would help him survive this. I know that he wanted to keep fighting. The only thing he did manage to say to me that day about not continuing treatment was, "It sucks." Yeah, it does. While sometimes I may have eloquent words to say about this situation, other times that's the best way to describe what we're going through -
it just sucks.
Sometimes I just can't even believe this is happening to me. Like, how do you imagine a life without the person who
IS your life? It almost feels like I'm living in a dream. No, a nightmare. But it's not a dream. This is really happening. I'm really losing my best friend, my life partner,
my whole world.
I don't know how much longer we have left, so I'm just loving him and kissing him and encouraging him with my words(I hope) and reading the bible to him at night....making sure he knows that I'll be okay.
And I am okay...right now.
I'm okay right now, because I still have his hand to hold.
I'm okay right now, because I say "I love you", and I get to hear him whisper, "I love you, too."
I'm okay right now, because I still get to fall asleep with him by my side and wake up in the morning with my arm around him.
I'm okay right now, because I get to look into his beautiful eyes and see his smile and kiss his face every day.
I'm okay right now, because he's still here with me.
But when he's not...you might as well just rip out my heart right out of my chest. I try to imagine life without him...I try to prepare myself for that outcome...but I just can't really know what it will feel like. Life without him seems unimagineable.
fukk Cancer
