*Update** (Just had a baby and husband is leaving me)
ehartmanrn
Last edited 08/13/2015
Hello! I'm back with an update. I posted about a month ago, regarding all the drama and awfulness that was going on in my marriage. Since then, a ton has happened. First, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Claire, on July 14th at 3:50 am. I pushed for almost two hours! :/ but she was worth it, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. She is such a joy, and I am absolutely in love with her.
For those of you who don't know what was going on with my husband...
He and I were together for ten years. Our anniversary is in three days, and we will have been married for two years. We were best friends, lovers, finished each others sentences. You get it. Well, he wanted to have a baby really badly, so you can imagine our excitement when we found out I was pregnant last November. We spent nine months smiling and planning for our sweet girl's arrival. I'll never forget the night we put her bassinet and crib up together. I was standing there, seven months pregnant, assembling the bassinet, all huffy and puffy and huge, and my husband was laying on the bed watching me and smiling and he said: "You're so beautiful." Fast forward to about two weeks before I'm due to have our baby, and a switch flipped. He suddenly became distant, cold, wouldn't tell me he loved me. Wouldn't kiss me. I'll never forget how disgusting I felt when I got out of the shower one evening, and instead of warmly smiling at me and kissing me and saying something about how sexy I looked, my husband wouldn't even make eye contact with me. Instead, he turned and walked in the opposite direction. As if he had just seen a stranger naked, or as if he was repulsed. Yeah, shyt went south real quick. First, he said he needed to "clear his head" and that he needed "space". He started taking off every night. Staying out until the wee hours of the morning. This continued for about a week straight.
Then on July 4th, I jumped out of bed and happily went to Walmart to buy some food for us to grill. I even bought some red, white and blue cupcakes. We had talked the night before, and he told me he would spend time with me that day and we could have dinner and take a walk that night and watch all the fireworks. Well, he let me pull into the driveway and sent me a text that said "let's talk". I immediately felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I went inside, ready for whatever he had to throw at me, and he sat me down and told me he wanted to "separate". He told me that he just needed his space and didn't really know at this point what he wanted. That he has been unhappy for years, and he just can't do it anymore. I didn't really know what to say, I knew arguing would get me nowhere, so I agreed and told him he could have his space. I asked him where he was going to stay. He looked at me puzzled and told me he had nowhere to stay. I was angry. I asked him: "what about your parents?" He said "That isn't an option". I was confused and didn't understand why he would tell me he wanted to separate, but refuse to leave the house. Anyhow, I had to get out of there, so I left to go be with my family. When I came home that night, his wedding ring was laying on the washing machine. That stung. He came home that night with his sister, and wouldn't even acknowledge me. They laughed and messed around on the computer, while I layed in bed alone. Then, he silently walked into the bathrom and rummaged around. He grabbed a few things, shut all the lights in the house off, and left without saying a word. That was the first night that crap started happening. Then that became the new norm. He would come and go as he pleased, and wouldn't stay home. He would get off work, eat, shower, brush his teeth like five times, then take off around 10-11pm each night. He would either go stay at his parents' house or, mostly, his sister's apartment she had been leasing with her now ex husband. My stupid ass was still fighting at this point. Still trying to talk to him. Still asking him to stay home with me and try to work on things. I was just pregnant and scared.
Things went like this for a little while, and then one night, he randomly texted me and told me he was sorry for putting me through this, and that he was going to come home that night and stay with me. He did. But it was weird. He didn't really talk to me. He sat in the living room, watching television, and then when he was ready for bed, he got up and went to the bedroom without saying a word to me. I went into labor that morning around 6:30. I knew something wasn't right when I got up to the bathroom, and kept feeling these awful cramps and back pain. The cramps would come and go and stayed regular, so I knew this was it. I remember waddling back to bed, scared, excited and sad. Sad because I knew he wasn't going to stay with me. I said "I think I'm in labor." He said "lay back and and try to sleep." I layed there, more or less alone, with my little stop watch, timing the contractions each time they would hit. He eventually got up and went into the bathroom. I knew what he was doing. He was getting ready for work. And sure enough, he left. He looked at me and said "keep me posted. let me know if and when you go to the hospital." And just like that, he was gone. I knew then that this man was no longer the man I married. I called my mom and she came over to sit with me. A HUGE storm hit, and the power went out. I lit some candles and labored on the couch for a couple hours. I eventually took a hot shower and when I got out I called the hospital. They told me to go ahead and come in. My mom drove me. I made it to the room and got hooked up to the monitors and when the doctor checked me, I was 3cm and about 90% effaced, so he decided to keep me. I texted my husband and said "We're having a baby tonight." He showed up about an hour later. We had a special birth plan during my entire pregnancy. It was going to be just he and I. I was going to have the baby with him by my side, and it was going to be a beautiful, and intimate time of just the three of us bonding. We would call family later. I knew though, that things had changed and were never going to be the same, so I went ahead and called my aunt, my husband's mom, and my mother stayed. I got my epidural around 5. I remember being very thirsty, and would have killed for a Sprite. My husband had his little sister bring him some Wendy's, and he sat there at my bedside and ate it and literally hand fed french fries to his sister. (He's 27, she's 21). I layed there, in hard labor, and just kept smiling at them. Trying to make the most of it. My mom finally came over to my bedside and started sobbing. It broke her heart, because she knew about the entire situation with my husband, and it killed her to see me laying there smiling.
Around 1:00, it was time to push. I remember how scared I was. But also ready. And you guys are all gonna wanna slap me. Especially those of you who read my story in July when I first posted it. I let him be in the delivery room. Just him. My aunt and mom wanted to be in there, but my husband and his mother had both been texting me while I was laying in my bed. My husband wanted it to only be him in the room, so that it could be "special". His mother was like a little gnat in my ear, telling me the same thing. And my dumb ass for some reason, thought there may still be hope for us. I thought, "maybe he will see his daughter, and she will get him out of whatever he is going through. and things will be better." HA! Like I said earlier, I pushed for about two hours. He stayed right there by my side and held my left leg. He kept looking down at me, telling me he loved me. When the baby was born, he didn't cry like I thought he would. He just smiled and didn't say much. They layed her on my chest, and I immediately started sobbing. She was PERFECT. When they took her to get cleaned up, he went with her. Then he held her and took a picture of himself captioned "no words" and sent it to the family in the waiting room. Family finally came in around 5am and took a few pictures. He was still distant. He left that morning around 6 and came back in the late afternoon. Everyone left. I slept and that first day was basically just one big blur of exhaustion. He still didn't stay. I asked him that night before he went home if he would come back the next morning and have breakfast with me, and he said yes. I woke up the next morning and he was nowhere to be found, so I went ahead and ordered breakfast. And when I was sitting in my hospital room alone, eating my scrambled eggs in silence, my baby daughter laying in the little crib next to me, I knew that my life was never going to be the same. I was never going to come home from work to a happy, smiling husband again. I was never going to curl up in bed and hold him again.
I called the nurse and asked her to come take my baby to the nursery for a little bit so I could shower. I walked into the bathroom and got undressed. I looked at my battered, stretch mark covered body in the mirror. I got in the water and sat in the shower chair. It was one of the best showers I've ever had. I felt human again. My husband showed up later that evening with a big sandwich from Penn Station. He never bothered to ask me if I wanted anything. I ordered dinner and ate it alone. He still didn't stay with me. The next day, it was time to go home. He showed up and napped on the couch next to me until the nurse came in with discharge papers. When we got home, I carried all my hospital bags in by myself while he sat in a chair and played video games. The house was a mess. I asked him to hold the baby in the nursery for a litle bit so that I could straighten up. That evening, he went out to the front deck and started drinking beer and wine. Then around 11pm he got up and put his shoes on. I said "you're leaving!?" as if I was shocked. He said "yeah, I'm gonna go get some food." I was very hurt and upset, so I told him not to come back. He more or less laughed at me, and left. He didn't come home until the next day around 3pm. About a week later, he told me he wanted a divorce. I didn't even argue. He wanted me to sign his own little papers that he printed off and had his sister fill out. I wouldn't do that though. I got a lawyer, and he was pissed.
The day he was served his divorce papers, he "moved out." I found out that night that he was at the movies with another girl. A 19 year old. He met this girl at the gym where he works. She thought he was cute. He then started messaging/texting her and it went from there. He told me he had been talking to her for a few weeks. He is now living in his sister's apartment until he figures out his next move. That girl is there all the time, at all hours. I don't know if she is spending the night or living there or what. I guess I really shouldn't care. I've heard from a few different people that she is promiscuous and has been with a lot of guys. My husband told me that I don't know her and he doesn't really talk about her. Which is for the best, I'm sure. He has told me a couple times that I have "no idea" what is going on. He also told me not to "go after her" or there would be absolutely no chance of reconciliation for us. As if I am still hanging onto that. He acts like he is some grand prize that I'm holding out for or something. I'm not sure what 19 year old girl would want to be with a 27 year old man who is going through a divorce and just had a baby, but whatever. The more I try to analyze and wrap my head around it, the more confused I become. I do know that my husband is VERY immature, so I guess they have the same maturity level and mentality.
I have tried to talk to his family, mainly his mother, and she doesn't have much to say in the matter. She will sure text me and harrass me about coming over to see my daughter, though. That got old fast. She knows what I'm going through, and quite honestly, the last thing on my mind is putting everything on pause so that she can come over and sink her teeth into my baby. I know she is her grandmother, but I am just so hurt and betrayed.
I have difficulty staying in our house alone with the baby all the time. It's painful and I find that I do a lot better when I am around people and able to keep my mind busy. So I've been staying with my aunt a lot. She lives about an hour away. This past weekend, I stayed with her, and when I got home my husband showed up to see the baby. He wanted to take her. I didn't want him to, because she has been with me since day one, and I really don't want his little 19 year old girlfriend around her. He FREAKED out and called me a c***, told me he hated me, and ripped our wedding picture up. Later that night, he texted me asking where he could find whipped cream at the grocery store. Playing lots and lots of games. Also, through all of this, he has still been saying he needs "space" and that when the lease is up with this apartment, he is going to "evaluate" our situation. He said that divorce doesn't set anything in stone. That he can't predict the future. That "being done isn't a thing". That he's "figuring things out." So basically, I am expected to sit in this house, raising our daughter alone, while he is out there running wild and fornicating with that girl. Then, if he decides he has had his fun and is ready to come crawling back to me, I should just be sitting here, waiting and smiling. HAHAHA yeah, okay.
After he threw that fit on Sunday, I was home with the baby the following two days, and he never stopped by. He was shut up in that apartment with that girl. So that shows how interested he really is in seeing his daughter. He still asks me where I'm going. He gets mad when I won't stay home. I am finally starting to get over him, and last night when he stopped by to play daddy for an hour, I barely even acknowledged him. I kept to myself and stayed quiet, and he started being hateful. He already took the desktop computer and the iPAD, so he informed me last night he was taking the laptop, too. Not leaving me with a single computer in the house. Then he gave me a little smirk and told me that my cell phone will be shut off soon, so I might wanna take care of that. I ignored him and didn't give him the satisfaction of getting a rise out of me. He went into the kitchen and started messing around, and I put my daughter in her carseat, and left without saying a word. I stayed at my mom's by the way, but I don't tell him where I am or who I'm with, because why should I? He still tries to control me and wants to know where I am all the time. There's a lot more to this, but you guys get the generalized gyst, and I feel like I have typed way too much already. Any thoughts are welcome. I just want to get this divorce over with and be done. Not looking forward to sharing my daughter with someone who has treated me this way, and who seems to be using her like a chess piece.
good point
dap + rep for the much needed balance.