Is it enough to leave

[I AM WE ARE]

I'm asking y'all ladies of thecoli because I know the responses I'll get from TLR
Long story short my younger brother told me he's thinking of getting a divorce. He said doesn't want cheat, he's rather leave. Basically his wife has gotten extra comfortable. She doesn't do the things she used to sexually or otherwise. He buys lingerie for her and she never wears it(he asks if she would before buying) she's distant intimately and she's letting herself go. He's offered and come to find out even paid for gym membership and she never used it. He said even watching tv/ movies are different and awkward. I honestly told him they're in a funk and maybe need a just them get away but he said she's not even trying do that. I honestly don't know what to tell him

 

[Elle Seven]

My initial thought is to tell him this is not enough to leave her outright because he took a vow to stay with her thru better and worse. You didn't mention anyone being abused or in physical danger, so there is not necessarily a sense of urgency pushing him to need to leave. It sounds like there is some frustration and maybe apathy which are making him just want to leave

I do not say any of this to excuse her, not at all. Ironically, it is because I understand that when people take vows, one person is not automatically relieved of the vows s/he took him/herself just because the partner is not beholden to his/hers. This is what makes being marriage such a trial at times, I think. I think we miss this part in society now - that often what can be sucky about marriage is still doing your part when you see the other person is not doing his/her. Those vows folks say at the altar aren't supposed to just sound nice, though; especially if they had a religious ceremony, those words were meant to link/bond the couple and bring forth a new life.

Thus, your brother and your sister-in-law really are one unit - no matter how they may view themselves. They performed the ceremony and it was witnessed (presumably), so there is a level of accountability there. Furthermore, as one unit, it is impossible for your brother to do anything to/for/towards his wife - whether positive or negative - that will not directly affect him the same way. Consequently, each time your sister-in-law does not take care of herself, in whatever form that may take (because it's not just physically), it will affect your brother and the union as a whole. From what I have seen, it truly is impossible to hurt your spouse (while still within matrimony) without hurting yourself as well

Marriages go thru highs and lows. I'm approaching year 19 in my relationship and 18 in my marriage. It is not a cakewalk and is certainly something which can test both husband and wife on many levels.

I can see your brother's side of things, truly. Having read so much on this site over the years, it's like getting a clearer view into what men are really like and what you all care about...or, at least, what many men claim to care about...

But as for this, I would not mind offering something, but to spare you a long dissertation, could you first tell me this - how long have they been married? Also, have there been any recent changes to the relationship (i.e. new baby, new job, etc.)? I'd formulate my response based off of that.

 

[I AM WE ARE]

No new job or kids.
I told him not to leave because I'm going thru something similar with my wife. I told him he has to take control, if she's not taking care of herself, change food in the house, eating habits, take her to the gym with him, etc sexually I just told him try different things to spice it up. But if she's truly gotten that comfortable where she's not doing ANYTHING then they need to have a serious talk. No abuse or anything on either side

 

[julesocean]

Yeah, not sure if it's past this point for him, but he should have a serious talk that things are not going well on his side, and then air out all the stuff he doesn't think she's trying to do anymore, that are important to him. Sometimes you fall into this "roommate" type of vibe, and you don't even realize it.

So the move is to make sure she knows all these things are bothering him, and he misses them. Then it's her hand, to show that she will change to make it work, or not. If she ain't willing, then that's vows mean nothing. And on the flipside, if he isn't happy to accept how she is now, that's vows mean nothing also. So a divorce would then be rightfully on the horizon.

 

[I AM WE ARE]

Yeah, not sure if it's past this point for him, but he should have a serious talk that things are not going well on his side, and then air out all the stuff he doesn't think she's trying to do anymore, that are important to him. Sometimes you fall into this "roommate" type of vibe, and you don't even realize it.

So the move is to make sure she knows all these things are bothering him, and he misses them. Then it's her hand, to show that she will change to make it work, or not. If she ain't willing, then that's vows mean nothing. And on the flipside, if he isn't happy to accept how she is now, that's vows mean nothing also. So a divorce would then be rightfully on the horizon.

What do you mean happy to accept?
Not being funny or argumentive.
He honestly loves her, I can vouch for that, he's just frustrated. At one point I was in his shoes, I felt like my wife didn't want me anymore. Could it be that she loves him but they've just grown apart? Or could it be she's gotten comfortable and don't think he'll leave

 

[julesocean]

What do you mean happy to accept?
Not being funny or argumentive.
He honestly loves her, I can vouch for that, he's just frustrated. At one point I was in his shoes, I felt like my wife didn't want me anymore. Could it be that she loves him but they've just grown apart? Or could it be she's gotten comfortable and don't think he'll leave

I think ti's a balancing act, because the point of marriage is to find someone you can "get comfortable" with, and find someone who is perfectly fine with you "getting comfortable". But also you must think about yourself, and if these are glaring changes, and she has completely changed some of the fundamental things about her that make him fall in love with her, and want to get married in the first place..... Of course he still loves her, but it's gonna be sorrow to be in that relationship if he isn't happy with what she's bringing to the table for so long.

He needs to let her known in a serious "can we talk" time all of these things that have changed the dynamic of their relationship, that he doesn't like. Then see how she reacts. Before he makes any moves to divorce or throw away a loving relationship, she absolutely needs to know how serious it is from his POV.

 

[I AM WE ARE]

I think ti's a balancing act, because the point of marriage is to find someone you can "get comfortable" with, and find someone who is perfectly fine with you "getting comfortable". But also you must think about yourself, and if these are glaring changes, and she has completely changed some of the fundamental things about her that make him fall in love with her, and want to get married in the first place..... Of course he still loves her, but it's gonna be sorrow to be in that relationship if he isn't happy with what she's bringing to the table for so long.

He needs to let her known in a serious "can we talk" time all of these things that have changed the dynamic of their relationship, that he doesn't like. Then see how she reacts. Before he makes any moves to divorce or throw away a loving relationship, she absolutely needs to know how serious it is from his POV.

That's gone be tough, he says most of their arguments are her denying or refusing any accountability.

 

[julesocean]

That's gone be tough, he says most of their arguments are her denying or refusing any accountability.

Yeah, that doesn't look good then. I mean you could try marriage counseling if she wants to stay with him but feels like she is being attacked about this. But even then, she might not be receptive to going. Love is hard!!! Hope they work it out, keep us updated.

 

[Selena]

Has he flat-out told her how he feels? It seems like he's being passive by only throwing hints/beating around the bush. He should at least have a real talk with her about the issues and perhaps even try marriage counseling. If nothing improves after that, then file the divorce and at least he can say he tried.

I commend him for not cheating and I do hope they can work on their marriage.

Also, find out if she's depressed. That could be the reason why she's not motivated and gained weight and perhaps have seemed like she changed.

 

[I AM WE ARE]

Has he flat-out told her how he feels? It seems like he's being passive by only throwing hints/beating around the bush. He should at least have a real talk with her about the issues and perhaps even try marriage counseling. If nothing improves after that, then file the divorce and at least he can say he tried.

I commend him for not cheating and I do hope they can work on their marriage.

Also, find out if she's depressed. That could be the reason why she's not motivated and gained weight and perhaps have seemed like she changed.

He's told her(from what he told me) and said he doesn't want to leave but still not completely happy. There's been other issues that he didn't go into but said he just wants to see if she's gone put forth the effort. I told him don't make it an ultimatum or else it's def gone go south