I've been really doing alot of soul searching lately and trying to find something to motivate me to make want live. I went to work today and found out I wasn't on the schedule and my coworkers were looking at me like I was crazy, I can tell they've been talking about me, my hours get cut shorter each week. I guess I'm on my way to getting fired again. Typically I would do my "I'm talented and don't belong here, y'all should feel honored to be in my presence thing" but this time something was different, I really thought to myself "damn maybe I do have a problem, it can't be everybody else's fault". The way that they looked at me made me feel bad, they had a look of being horrified, I felt like a piece of shyt. I guess I never thought about my attitude and how the things that I say affect people. In my mind its honesty, I others maybe its hurtful or offensive. I never cared really until just now.
So maybe the coli is right and I do have a mental disorder, I don't know...maybe I do rub people the wrong way. I went to my grandma house and found out we had another death in the family, alot of people close too me been passing away lately which makes me think about my own mortality and what type of legacy I want to leave on earth. Who do I want to be remembered as...A good person that gave his gifts to help build or a selfish man that used his gifts to take. I don't want to die a scumbag who's only mission in life was to be a god. Man cant be god.
Then I seen my drug addicted uncle. I give him money everytime I see him, alot of it is from guilt. I was an a$$hole as a child and would make fun of his mental condition and drug habit. But now I can see that its a sad thing and I treat him with the utmost respect because I'm sure the world treats him the opposite enough anyway.
Anyway, I was at 7/11 to buy a red baron french bread frozen pizza and a brownie...I bought this meal not because its good but because it helps alleviate the pain I feel on the inside. I couldn't find a parking spot so I was going to park in the distance and reserved the car and almost ran into an older man and a woman. the guy looked at me in fear, the same look my co workers gave me.
The normal me would've blamed them for walking behind a running car. And would've been mad and writing them off "peon's" or "old nikkas" something vulgar. But I felt really bad man, like really bad. I went in the store and approached him and he was alittle shocked , telling me he don't want no issue, and I told him it was my fault, i didn't do it on purpose. We shook hands and hugged.
It felt good on the inside, admitting that I was the problem and that I made it right with him. It felt good to have a positive interaction. It felt good to say sorry. I want to make it right with god before I leave the earth. I think alot of my failures in life was actually curses put on me for my selfish ways. I got a certain arrogance about me that I'm working on. I'm not above nobody, I'm fighting these mental demons hard. Its an internal battle of who I want to be. Its tough, Its like who do I want to be? A man that's does the right thing and get less or a man that's selfish and use people for alot? its a war of identity, a war I don't know how to fight.
So maybe the coli is right and I do have a mental disorder, I don't know...maybe I do rub people the wrong way. I went to my grandma house and found out we had another death in the family, alot of people close too me been passing away lately which makes me think about my own mortality and what type of legacy I want to leave on earth. Who do I want to be remembered as...A good person that gave his gifts to help build or a selfish man that used his gifts to take. I don't want to die a scumbag who's only mission in life was to be a god. Man cant be god.
Then I seen my drug addicted uncle. I give him money everytime I see him, alot of it is from guilt. I was an a$$hole as a child and would make fun of his mental condition and drug habit. But now I can see that its a sad thing and I treat him with the utmost respect because I'm sure the world treats him the opposite enough anyway.
Anyway, I was at 7/11 to buy a red baron french bread frozen pizza and a brownie...I bought this meal not because its good but because it helps alleviate the pain I feel on the inside. I couldn't find a parking spot so I was going to park in the distance and reserved the car and almost ran into an older man and a woman. the guy looked at me in fear, the same look my co workers gave me.
The normal me would've blamed them for walking behind a running car. And would've been mad and writing them off "peon's" or "old nikkas" something vulgar. But I felt really bad man, like really bad. I went in the store and approached him and he was alittle shocked , telling me he don't want no issue, and I told him it was my fault, i didn't do it on purpose. We shook hands and hugged.
It felt good on the inside, admitting that I was the problem and that I made it right with him. It felt good to have a positive interaction. It felt good to say sorry. I want to make it right with god before I leave the earth. I think alot of my failures in life was actually curses put on me for my selfish ways. I got a certain arrogance about me that I'm working on. I'm not above nobody, I'm fighting these mental demons hard. Its an internal battle of who I want to be. Its tough, Its like who do I want to be? A man that's does the right thing and get less or a man that's selfish and use people for alot? its a war of identity, a war I don't know how to fight.
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