Still, I am asked “bigu dikku?” a lot. Every 2-3 days in fact, which is amazing considering I was asked this about 2-3 times in my entire life in America, locker room jokes aside. How do you answer that anyway? To a 12 to 15-year-old? I wave them off and say, “No, no, no.” Then they say, “Oh, sumaru dikku?” (trans: small dikk) and of course that’s wrong so I have to correct them. It’s just a no-win situation.
On the days I’m not avoiding that question, I’m avoiding them actually trying to grab it. I kid you not, I have to play Dodgedikk with Japanese Jr. High kids on a weekly basis. Age, gender, doesn’t matter, they all want a stab at it. The boys are more persistent though. I had one boy grab for it, and when I said, “No!” he put his hands together and said, in English, “Please!” Oh hell no. Another 12-year-old boy kept grabbing at it, and when I told him, “No!” he politely asked, “Why not?” I began to wonder if there wasn’t some cultural more I didn’t understand. So I said clearly, “Age 10 years and become female since birth, then we’ll talk.” His solution was to ask the girl sitting next to him to trade seats, grab my dikk, and tell him about it.
That was so NOT what I meant.
I wish I could say it stops there. Let me introduce you to a game Japanese kids like to play called “Kancho.” It’s not as much a ‘game’ as it is kids clasping their hands together, sticking out their first fingers, and shoving them up your butt. I’m really not joking.
Just about any kid can be a Kancho Assassin. Even the sweetest little girl is liable to jam her fingers up your ass the second you turn around. This happened to one of my friends, which just goes to show – don’t trust anyone. I’d say the little girls are the most dangerous because they have natural ways of lowering your defenses.
During JET orientation they told me a lot of ultimately useless stuff: what kind of computer to bring, if my DVD’s would work, clothing sizes, that kind of nonsense. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in the 3-4 months of training did anyone ever mention that at some point, a Japanese kid may try to stick his fingers up my butt. That’s something I would have liked to know, personally.
I was pretty lucky. Before I left the US, I bought a really big, really baggy pair of pants. The kids try to Kancho… they just have no idea where my ass is. It’s beautiful! One kid tried and his fingers hit nothing but jean fabric and air. Yes! I’ve also become pretty good at dodging it. Much like Spiderman I have developed a Kancho Sense that tells me where and when it’s coming before it comes. I parry fingers like a pro. My record is still 100% Kancho Free. Ha! America 2, Japan 0.
All in a day’s work I suppose.
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