Historical Beefs #5: The Greatest Sports Rivalry of All Time

[Professor Emeritus]

This one about the Greens and the Blues, a chariot-racing rivalry that lasted 500 years and ended in absolute disaster.

This beef was so insane that I'm gonna convert it to modern times just to emphasize the fukkery...



So imagine it's 2078, the American empire done collapsed when the West Coast broke away after Trump tried to steal the 2020 election, most of the midwest is just wild lands run by militias and hipsters, and Emperor Barron Trump and his queen the Empress Arabella rule the Eastern States with an iron fist.


Rumor in the history books that the empress a former stripper who did wild stage acts.

Trump rules from New York, where White supremacist street gangs run shyt loosely under Trump's authority.

The public stays distracted by their intense commitment to hockey and football, which now pull their rosters from enslaved migrants and are so brutal that brothers die every week, dragged across the ground by other players or smashed to death against the stone boundary walls. Hate-filled fans out there throwing spike strips onto the ice to trip up their rivals.

Win and you a hero and get millions in gold, but... many hockey heroes die in their early 20s

There once had been several powerful club teams, but now only two matter: the Kings and the Islanders. Everyone defines themselves by whether they Kings fans or Islanders fans. Barron a Kings stan, but his street gangs are split down the middle, and they HATE each other. Basically it's like the Crips and the Bloods were tasked with co-defending the LA streets.

The rival gangs don't fukk with each other ever unless they carrying out professional duties or brawling. Once a bunch of Islanders fans ambushed a group of Kings fans while they were watching a play on Broadway and 3,000 of them.

Hold up. One fanbase busted 3,000 fools in a damn theater because they rooted for the other team?

In another incident, a superstar free agent left the Kings to take his talent to the Islanders, when he won the next championship it led to riots across the city.


So this is just the run-of-the-mill shyt going on for years, but over time the idiot Trump gets bogged down in wars and sends his despised tax collector Manafort III out into the city to raise the more funds.

Kings and Islanders fans both pissed off at too high taxes and start wilding, street fights turn into full-on battles. Emperor Trump pulls the street privileges of both fan clubs, but New York WAY too deep into hockey to take that shyt lying down and they start a riot in Yankee Stadium, openly calling out Trump, something NO ONE ever dared before.

Trump sends in the army, which is led by the famed General Belichick and an incel in his 90s known only as David. The military arrests the fanclub riot leaders and holds a public execution.

Kings fans and Islanders fans are both among the seven to be hanged.

 

[Professor Emeritus]

So trying to hang seven people at once, the gallows break midway and two of the seven survive. One is a Kings fan, the other an Islanders fan. The crowd rescues the two, hides them in a church, and demands that Trump pardon them.

That Sunday the big hockey game at Yankee Stadium, which Trump attends as always. During the National Anthem, fans began protesting. When he failed to respond, they shout "Nike! Nike!" When Trump does nothing, riots spill out of Yankee Stadium into the streets.

Their first target is Attaca, where they let out the prisoners and then burn it to the ground.

Soon rioting spreads across the city and New York in flames. Belichick's army is overcome by the combined forces of the street gangs. Even women are standing on balconies dropping bricks on the heads of soldiers.

This goes on for five days with Trump holed up in Yankee Stadium the whole time. The rioters are emboldened and declare revolution, proclaiming a nephew of Chelsea Clinton as the new emperor.

Trump freaks out, flees Yankee Stadium and decides to abandon New York, but the Empress Arabella smacks him and says he'll regret it. Trump gets new resolve and tries again to defeat the rioters, who are now filling Yankee Stadium in masses as the symbol of their power.

General Bellichek and the incel David plan the counterstrike. Bellichek happened to have a bunch of Goth and NeoNazi mercenaries from Europe in town with him who had no allegiance to either hockey team. Instead of confronting the rioters in the streets, he locks up the stadium where they had gathered and then sends his foreign mercenaries in as shock troops.

Think about 50,000 fans stuck in Yankee Stadium with no way out while barbarians with spears and swords roll in.

A history of the event reads:

the angry shouts of the great amphitheater had given place to the cries and groans of wounded and dying men; soon these too grew quiet, until silence spread over the entire arena, its sand now sodden with the blood of the victims.

30,000 hockey fans die in the slaughter. The heads of the fan clubs are executed by Trump, along with the loser Clinton.

Trump shuts down Yankee Stadium and all hockey for five years after the riots. Both the Kings and the Islanders die out.






The real story?

Replace 2078 with 532
The United States are the original Roman Empire, and the Eastern States are the remaining Byzantine empire
New York City is Constantinople
Replace hockey fans with chariot racing fans
Replace the Kings and the Islanders with the Blues and the Greens
Emperor Barron Trump is Emperor Justinian
Empress Arabella is Empress Theodora
General Bellichek is the General Belisarius
Manafort III is the tax collector John of Cappadocia
The incel David is the 90+ year old eunuch general Narses
Yankee Stadium is the Hippodrome
They really did chant "Nike", that's where the damn word comes from

The event is known as the Nike Uprising, and everything happened exactly like I described.

 

[Sbp]

 

[Strapped]

Delete

 

[Professor Emeritus]

Y'all keep shopping online

Gotta be honest, I have no clue what this means.

 

[Gains]

word to Justinian

 

[DaKidFromNoWhere]

Damn...

 

[Strapped]

Gotta be honest, I have no clue what this means.

Wrong thread

 

[Cole Cash]

This was really good and really creative. fukk what anyone thinks keep it coming and tag me no homo

 

[Orbital-Fetus]

This was really good and really creative. fukk what anyone thinks keep it coming and tag me no homo

ditto.

i really enjoyed reading this.

 

[PewPew]

Please continue this, and tag me as well in the next one?

 

[Professor Emeritus]

This was really good and really creative. fukk what anyone thinks keep it coming and tag me no homo

ditto.

i really enjoyed reading this.

Please continue this, and tag me as well in the next one?

Thanks much. Work is about to pick up a lot so I probably will only get one more in before the end of the year, but I think I already know what I'll do, pretty different from the previous ones.