dontevenreply.com - Trolling at its finest

[Wildin]

http://dontevenreply.com/index.php

There are classics here. If these were published in a book I'd buy it. Yall ever heard of Letters from a Nut? These are on par some are better.

 

[Wildin]

Lost
Posted at: 2012-01-24 00:00:00 | 570 comments | Add Comment

Original ad:
36" RCA tube TV for sale. good condition. pickup only. very heavy. first with $50 gets it. no phone- email only.
From Me to ************@*********.org:

Hey there,

I want your TV. I have $50 cash and can pick it up anytime. What is your number? I'll call you for directions.

Mike

From Steve ***** to Me:

hi mike. i live at 54 ********* dr. can you get it today? i dont have a phone so just show up and knock on my door. ill be home all day sound good?

From Me to Steve *****:

Sounds good. I'll be over in a few hours.

Thanks,

Mike

From Me to Steve *****:

Hey, I'm on Pughtown Rd right now but I am having trouble finding your house. Can you help me out? I pulled over on Wilson Rd and I'll wait for your instructions.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

i dont live on pughtown. i live on ******** dr. if you turn rite onto pughtown, then rite on bethel rd from pughtown it will take you there.

From Me to Steve *****:

Okay, I turned onto Pughtown again but I don't see Bethel Rd. I crossed over a river and now it says I am coming up on Route 113. Am I going the right direction?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

no. i said make a rite on pughtown. you made a left. turn around and go the other way. your not even close so you have a way to go.

From Me to Steve *****:

Uh...I turned around and I'm still not seeing Bethel. It looks like I'm at Pughtown and Rt. 100. Should I go down that?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

NO! you drove passed bethel dude IT INTERSECTS WITH PUGHTOWN. turn around and it will be on your LEFT

From Me to Steve *****:

I already turned onto Rt. 100 because you took too long to respond. It is kind of hard to turn around on this road. Doesn't 100 intersect with 113? I'm just going to do that and then loop around back to Pughtown Rd.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

no dont do that!! you will be on 100 for like 15 miles before that happens! just turn around and get back on pughtown this should be easy

From Me to Steve *****:

This would be much easier if I could just call you. What is your phone number?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

i already told you i dont have a phone. how is this so confusing to you? where are you now?

From Me to Steve *****:

I think I'm on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. It says the next exit is King of Prussia in 15 miles. Should I get off at that exit?

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

dude why the fukk would you get on the turnpike? didnt you notice something was wrong WHEN YOU HAD TO GO THRU A fukkING TOLL???? jesus man you are hopeless!

From Me to Steve *****:

Calm down. No need for profanities. I saw the toll and realized something was wrong, but there wasn't anywhere for me to turn around so I just went through it. I accidentally went through the EZ-PASS thing instead of the regular toll and I think it took a picture of my license plate. Should I get off at the King of Prussia exit? I just passed a billboard for Geico insurance, if that helps.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

i cant help you. you are beyond lost. next time get a fukking GPS if you are this bad with directons

From Me to Steve *****:

Well, I hope you are happy. I just got pulled over for texting while driving, and going 103 in a 65. The cop is running my information right now.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

how the fukk is that my fault!?

From Me to Steve *****:

Apparently my registration and insurance are expired, so they are towing my car. Also, they said there is a bench warrant out for my arrest for not paying some speeding ticket I got last year. They are taking me to a police station in Norristown. The cop said I should be processed in a few hours. Would you be able to bail me out? Bring the TV, too. They are taking my phone now so I won't be able to talk to you after this.

Sent via Blackberry

From Steve ***** to Me:

are you fukking with me? im sorry dude but you are a fukking idiot and im done dealing withyou



==============================
EPILOGUE - SEVERAL DAYS LATER
==============================

From Me to Steve *****:

Hey, it is Mike again. Where were you? You never came to bail me out. I had to get a bail bondsman and now I owe like $1500. On top of that, they found a bowl and some weed in my car, and a little bit of cocaine. I'm getting charged with possession, which is going to cost me a fortune. Plus my speeding ticket which is going to be over $200. Seeing as this is your fault, I think you should pay me at least $500 as compensation. I don't know when I will get my car back so you will have to bring the $500 to me. I live in West Chester, when can you come with the money? Also, bring the TV.

Mike

From Steve ***** to Me:

listen up you stupid fukkhead. i gave you the easiest directons and you still got fukking lost. did i ask you to go on the turnpike and get pulled over for speeding like a fukking idiot? did i ask you to have drugs in your car? NO. you must be smoking crack if you think im giving you $500 and the tv. im surprised the cops didnt find crack in your car you fukking crackhead. none of this is my fault you are just a fukking dipshyt that cant follow directons so fukk the fukk off and never email me again!!!!

oh and i sold the tv to someone else and the guy had no problems finding my house cause HES NOT A fukkING MORON

 

[KingDanz]

 

[Rigamortus]

Barter My Whore Wife
Posted at: 2009-06-12 01:49:36
This one was a little tricky. If you didn't figure it out, I am both Mike Anderson and Kira Anderson.
Original ad:
i am looking to trade/barter my 1994 Jeep Wrangler. 140k miles, yellow, good condition. NO CASH. I will barter just about anything of equal value!
From Mike Anderson to **********@***********.org
CC: Kira Anderson

Hey,

I saw your ad for a '94 Wrangler for barter. I will trade you my whore of a wife for that car. She is a dirty little slut that fukks just about anything that moves. She doesn't really have much to offer, so I figure she is worth about the price of a used 1994 wrangler. I understand if you think she isn't worth it, so I am willing to throw in $200 cash on top of that. If you are looking for a loose whore that will give it up easily, my wife will be well worth the trade. Let me know if you are interested. Does the Wrangler come with a title?

From Jim ***** to Me

Ha ha! Very funny. I am married and don't think I would be interested in your wife. Thanks for the offer though!

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

OH fukk YOU MIKE!! DROP fukkING DEAD!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SCUMBAG PIECE OF shyt I fukkING HATE YOU!!!

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

fukk YOU, you stupid c*nt! What are you doing on the computer? I figured you were fukking Steve again. Or how about our neighbor? I'm sure he's looking to stick his dikk in some rotten p*ssy. You fukking twat.

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

MIKE YOU fukkING a$$hole THIS IS IT. DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HOME TODAY BECAUSE ILL BE WAITING WITH A fukkIN KNIFE

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

Ooh I'm real fukking scared. It might be kind of hard to stab me with 10 inches of black dikk in your mouth you fukking WHORE

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Hey you two sound like a great couple and all, but could you stop including me in these e-mails? I really don't think this concerns me.

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

TELL YOU WHAT JIM ILL BUY YOUR fukkING WRANGLER SO I CAN RUN OVER MY PIECE OF shyt HUSBAND WITH IT

From Mike Anderson to Jim *****, Kira Anderson

Jim don't sell it to her. She'll probably pick up a random dude and crash the jeep while she's sucking his dikk.

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

fukk YOU

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Will both of you shut the fukk up and stop e-mailing me? Jesus fukking christ man c'mon!

 

[MR. SNIFLES]

LMAO

 

[Regular_P]

The very first one killed me.

Original ad:
55 gallon tank great condition.no scratches. comes with filter. $125. 484-***-****. CALL ME ONLY - NO EMAILS. 484-***-****
From Me to Felix *********:

Hey,

That fish tank is beautiful. I must have it! Is it still for sale?

Mike

From Felix ********* to Me:

CALL THE NUMBER

From Me to Felix *********:

What number?

From Felix ********* to Me:

484-***-****

From Me to Felix *********:

I just called that number and nobody answered.

From Felix ********* to Me:

i never heard it ring. call again and leave a message if no answer.

From Me to Felix *********:

I just called again. Nobody picked up so I went to leave you a message, but it said your voicemail was full.

From Felix ********* to Me:

my voicemail isnt full the phone never rang. are you calling the right number? 484-***-****

From Me to Felix *********:

I just called the number again and I got a fax machine noise. Is there a trick to dialing your number?

From Felix ********* to Me:

what trick??? its a phone number you just dial it!

From Me to Felix *********:

Are you sure you didn't give me the number to a fax machine? Would you rather communicate through fax? That would actually be easier for me.

From Felix ********* to Me:

NO!

From Me to Felix *********:

I wasn't sure what to do, so I sent you a fax. Did you get it?

From Felix ********* to Me:

DONT SEND ME A FAX

From Felix ********* to Me:

STOP SENDING ME FAXES

From Felix ********* to Me:

SERIOUSLY STOP TRYOING TO SEND FAX! IT WONT WORK BECAUSE ITS A CELL PHONE!!!

From Me to Felix *********:

Can't you just set your cell phone to fax machine mode?

From Felix ********* to Me:

what the hell is fax machine mode? cell phones dont have that!

From Felix ********* to Me:

OMG dude ENOUGH WITH THE FAXES!!!!!!

From Me to Felix *********:

Sorry, I set the fax machine to try sending the fax every fifteen minutes until it goes through. It was the office fax machine and I already left for the weekend. Can this wait until Monday?

From Felix ********* to Me:

NO IT CANT WAIT UNTIL MONDAY ARE YOU fukkING KIDDING ME

From Felix ********* to Me:

GO BACK TO YOUR OFFICE AND CANCEL IT RIGHT NOW

From Me to Felix *********:

My apologies, I can't go back. I'm at the airport and my flight to Vancouver leaves in an hour and a half. I'll cancel the fax on Monday when I get back.

From Felix ********* to Me:

HEY! NO! fukk THAT YOU BETTER FIND A WAY AND CANCEL THIS shyt RIGHT NOW!!!! CALL SOMEBODY AT THE OFFICE MAKE THEM DO IT I'M fukkING SERIOUS

From Me to Felix *********:

Nobody is at the office, it is 6:30! Actually, you know what? The janitor might be there. We are pretty good friends. Do you want me to contact him?

From Felix ********* to Me:

YES

From Me to Felix *********:

Okay, I gave him your info. He's going to call you shortly. I'm on the plane now and they are making us turn our cell phones off for takeoff. Good luck!

From Felix ********* to Me:

DONT HAVE HIM CALL ME YOU IDIOT JUST HAVE HIM CANCEL THE FAX

From Me to Felix *********:

This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:

I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh?

From Felix ********* to Me:

GOD DAMMIT

From Me to Felix *********:

This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:

I will be out of the office on vacation in Canada until Monday, June 10th. I will not be checking my emails until I return. Have a great weekend, eh?

===================================

I made another email account as Dave the Janitor...

===================================

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Hi there! Is this Felix? Mike told me to contact you about buying a fish tank. I'm Dave, the janitor at Mike's office. I tried calling the number he gave me but it sounded like a fax machine or something, so I am emailing you instead.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

yeah hi dave here's the situation. mike has no idea how phones work and tried to send a fax to my phone using the fax machine at his office. now my phone is getting a call from the fax machine every 15 minutes. he said you can cancel the fax?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Mike didn't mention anything about a fax machine to me. He told me to buy a fish tank from you and he'd get it from me on Monday.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

oh jesus christ...no... he was supposed to tell you to cancel the fax that keeps calling my phone. are you at his office? can you stop the fax?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

So you aren't selling the fish tank?

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

look forget the fish tank just stop the fax machine, PLEASE!!

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Why are you so worried about this fax machine? Can't you just turn your cell phone to fax mode?

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

that isnt a thing! look im done screwing around here. just stop the fax machine, ok?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Tell you what, I'll cancel the fax machine if you drop the price on the fish tank to $75.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

look im in no mood to haggle with a janitor over a fukking fish tank.

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Excuse me? "with a janitor?" What is that supposed to mean? What if I had a fancy rich person job as an investment banker? Would you haggle with me then? I don't like your condescending tone, buddy. I know being a janitor isn't the most desirable job, but I gotta put food on the table for my kids somehow! Sorry I'm not an astronaut with a degree in brain surgery! You're in no mood to argue with a janitor? Well guess what? I am in no mood to turn off fax machines for a rude, snobby, patronizing fish tank owner!

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

i didnt mean to insult you. i like janitors. im sorry! can you please just turn off the fax machine!

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Fine. But I am telling Mike what you said to me and I don't think he will want to buy a fish tank from you after that. Are you this rude to your fish? Oh I'm Felix! Sorry, I'm in no mood to feed a goldfish! Maybe if you were a $500 Blueface Angel fish I would feed you.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

......are you done?

From Dave the Janitor to Felix *********:

Yes, I stopped the fax. Sorry it took me so long to figure out how to cancel it. I'm just a janitor. What do I know about fax machines? I don't have a fancy degree in fax machine engineering.

From Felix ********* to Dave the Janitor:

yeah yeah.... thats enough. thanks bye


===================================

A few days later, from my original email account...

===================================

From Me to Felix *********:

Felix,

I just got back from Canada to find out you were belittling my janitor? Dave is one of the best janitors I have ever had the pleasure of working with, so you better watch your mouth. You think you are better than him or something? Big words coming from a guy who doesn't even own a fax machine. You can forget about me buying your fish tank!

Mike

From Felix ********* to Me:

good because im not selling anything to a stupid fukk who cant even figure out how to dial a phone number!!!!!!!

From Me to Felix *********:

Please, stop harassing me and Dave. You've done enough. Leave us alone.

From Felix ********* to Me:

oh im harassing YOU? the dumbass who sets a fax to send me every 15 minutes and then LEAVES THE fukkING COUNTRY? you know how many times that fax machine called me you stupid piece of shyt you have the nerve to say IM harassing YOU? go fukk yourself you fukking fukkhead!!!!!!

From Me to Felix *********:

This is an automated out-of-office reply from Mike Partlow:

Hola! I will be on vacation in Mexico until Monday, June 17th and will not be checking my email until I return. Adios, amigos!

 

[Brofato]

I have given hours of my life to that site. Also the book is linked on the side lol

 

[R.O. Double]

http://dontevenreply.com/index.php

There are classics here. If these were published in a book I'd buy it. Yall ever heard of Letters from a Nut? These are on par some are better.

It is in a book. it's been sitting in my bathroom for years now.

 

[yo moms]

 

[Wildin]

I have given hours of my life to that site. Also the book is linked on the side lol

shyt I ain't even see it. My boy at work sent me a long ass email with a bunch of them and the site at the end I didn't really peep it. I am now though the top rated is gold

It is in a book. it's been sitting in my bathroom for years now.

My assumption is that they have more than what's on the site.....?.....either way I'm coppin off amazon

 

[The 2020 New Member]

5 stars right here.

 

[Dada]

Sorry I'm not an astronaut with a degree in brain surgery!

Why would an astronaut need that? The whole exchange is hilarious.

 

[Bay Area]

Why would an astronaut need that? The whole exchange is hilarious.

 

[Dada]

I know, that's why I was laughing. Whoever writes those is funny.

 

[I.AM.PIFF]

Glorious Master Translator
Posted at: 2012-04-23 17:29:34 | 579 comments | Add Comment

Original ad:
I need someone who speaks japanese to help me translate something. wont take too long. please email me ASAP!
From Me to ************@***********.org:

Hi! You need Japanese translate? I Chan, I help you with translate.

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

hey chan. so ok heres the deal. my cd player suddenly stopped working and i cant figure out why. for some reason the only manual i have is entirely in japanese. i took a pic of the page im pretty sure its the trouble shooting part. can you see if it says anything about no sound coming from the output?

From Me to Scott *******:

Ok, I find three thing may help you:

"Failure of Sound from Device"
"Skipping of disc for poor sound"
"Sound volume low very much"

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

umm..what does it say for the failure of sound one?

From Me to Scott *******:

"Hello and thank you for chose glorious master CD player! Apologies many for trouble of product. To fix failure of the sound, follow step:

1. Unplug glorious master CD player
2. Plug glorious master CD player back in"

I hope this help!

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

that doesnt help me at all. is that all it says?

From Me to Scott *******:

Oh no! Very sorry. There more steps to help you! Here:

"If still experience failure of the sound, your glorious master CD player possessed by audio demon. To banish audio demon, follow step:

1. Ignite seven candle
2. Pray to Benzaiten, Goddess of Music
3. Benzaiten will banish audio demon to eternal suffering
4. Try play CD again

If you fail banishing of audio demon, you failure. Much dishonor of family name. Suggest immediate death by Seppuku."

I hope you banish audio demon! Much luck.

- Chan

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf? does it really say that?

From Me to Scott *******:

I just translate what you give.

From Scott ******* to Me:

no way it says that. what kind of useless manual is this? how is that supposed to help anyone?

From Me to Scott *******:

Very sorry, audio demon big problem with many CD player! I have sword, much sharp, good for seppuku. You want borrow?

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf are you talking about. an audio demon? this is BS. are you screwing with me?

From Scott ******* to Me:

did i send the wrong page? i think this is the table of contents. can you look at this and tell me which page is the troubleshooting one? then ill send you that one

From Me to Scott *******:

That no table of content, that Sushi take-out menu! Try #16, Spicy Salmon Roll! Much delicious!

From Scott ******* to Me:

..........ok buddy. thanks for nothing you jackass


Later, from another email account


From Me to *********@*********.org:

Hey there,

I saw your ad and think I can help you. I majored in Japanese in college, speak it fluently, and lived in Miyazaki for two years.

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

thanks so much mike. i was talking to someone else for help, but idk what his problem was. dude kept sending me all this BS. anyway my cd player isnt working and the manual is only in japanese so i need help reading the troubleshooting part. i think the attached picture is the table of contents, could you see if it says what page the troubleshooting part is on and then ill send you that?

From Me to Scott *******:

You sent me a sushi take-out menu. Are you sure you have the right documents?

From Scott ******* to Me:

wtf!!! i dont know what is going on! it has a picture of the cd player on the front and then this is the next page. why would they put a sushi menu in there?

From Me to Scott *******:

Japanese instruction manuals are not like the American manuals you are used to. They often include advertisements, and I guess in this case, a sushi menu. Looking at it closer, it says "Thank you for purchasing this glorious master CD player. Why not order sushi while you enjoy music?"

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

well that is dumb...whatever. i think this page is the troubleshooting part because of the tables. am i right? do you see anything about there not being any sound?

From Me to Scott *******:

Yes, this is the right page. It says to unplug it and plug it back in.

Mike

From Scott ******* to Me:

yea i did that. nothing. is that it?

From Me to Scott *******:

Well, you're not gonna want to hear this, but it says your CD player is possessed by Amanojaku, or "audio demon." You should light three candles and pray to Benzaiten, the god of music.

Mike

From Me to Scott *******:

Scott? Were you able to banish the audio demon?