brehs... lemme get some feedback on this bomb ass script I wrote for a class.

[ThaRealness]

shyt is due on Monday, and I won't be able to set up an appointment with the professor. So Imma need The Coli's input on this one.

Concerns
1 ending falls flat
2 Characters aren't clearly distinguished.
3 All the beats in the scene are dialogue established.
4 The film can't be longer then 5 minutes.

*protagonist enters restaurant. Takes time to admire his surroundings.

Focal point

Mise en scene is critical.

P Hey, you must be Chef Kapaʻakea

C Yeah have a seat…

C I take it you’ll be representing Andrew Goldstein?
P. Yeah he sent me. Andrew doesn’t stay particularly concerned with the comings sand goings of his business. He seldom leaves his accomodations. Orders in everything. Food. …Hookers. Wine.

C. Well fukk.. that’s something. So this guy… he’s couped up like Citizen Kane?

P. I don’t know who the fukk that is. Are we gonna get started with some appetizers?

C. let me page the sous chef.

P. None of that 4 star shyt.

C. You know, where Im from.. You carry yourself in a certain way..

P. Sorry Chef, my rhythm’s a little off..

C. Let’s have a few drinks, and get to it.

** Emilio brings out a bottle of Cristal.

C. Emilio, Donnie. Donnie, Emilio. Leave the bottle. Donnie you strike me as a man who knows how to enjoy the finer things in life (sarcasm).

P. Yeah maybe. Listen, is there a bathroom around here?

Chef signals with a nod.
________________________________________________________________________Interlude (bathroom conversation provides context)


P. dials phone.

P. Yeah the spot isn’t 100% clear. It aint nothing too bad, sous chef in the back… maybe a bus boy. I didn’t get the chance to scope the kitchen.

P. Yeah the sous chef saw my face. Where you at?

P. Alright, I might need help on this. act like you’re robbing the place… tensions rise, we make a mistake in the heat of the moment.

P. Illl let you know. Just hold your position. Imma finish this … We headed for Phoenix, babyyyyy. fukk around and open up a strip club with an ill buffet.. Everything is lovely. Tell Carlo to wire the check to my moms and clock in.


_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Scene 2

P returns from bathroom. C offers him cristal.

P. You know, my cousin dined at this restaurant, years ago. He came for the New Years special. Said it was the best meal of his life. Two slow-roasted suckling pigs, llau llau steamed with eucalyptus leaves, and the b*stard won’t even bring home leftovers for the fam. Must have been some fukking meal though.. say you still using that recipe?
C Till the day I die.

P. reacts to irony of C.’s statement It’s getting kind of late..

C. cuts him off.

C. You know, I wasn’t born here. I come from a long line of Hawaiin kings. Before West arrived, there were two principle chiefs on the island of Kuai. One of my ancestors, Kaiwiki the elder, prepared this dish for a feast with the great Kamehameha. He was something like a Hawaiin folk hero. The dish itself is much older though. Traditionally prepared to celebrate the solstices. To this day, we only serve it during the holidays, and on 4th of July.

P. clearly humbled No shyt…

You know, my associate says he wants the dish prepared in his new restaurant.

C. It would be a pleasure.

P. We’ll do the New Years special every year. 4th Avenue ain’t the flashiest location, but it’s bohemian... We could start something new.
C. Mannnnnnn…. I love the lower east side. How about we pour up another?

C. and P. pour up champaign and make a toast

P. To lucrative business oppurtunities

Tonal shift

P. But you know how what they say, right? Kings can’t be thieves.

C.’s reaction is somewhere between being awe struck and confused.

C. I don’t understand.

P. You know damn well what Im talking about.

C. Look Donnie… I get’s cut off
P. All that talk of royal heritage, and tradition… yet you took hard earned dollars from a working man to get back on your feet. You know how many men have stolen from the Gambino family and lived to see the next day? You’re in select company.

C. That was years ago… Im far from a millionaire but I can pay the debt. What’s the interest? What’s his price?

P. Hey, Im no wise guy.. I just perform services requested by Mr Gambino.

C. Takes time to get his thoughts together.

P. What’s done is done… all I can do for you, at this moment, is hold onto the recipe.. Chef, you’re the best at what you do.
C. fukk if Im going to pass it on to a Gambino. Hit me with that shyt one time

P. cocks gun, camera pans away.


Ending: P. drives into the distance, cue 40s & Blunts by The Black Knights.









Thoughts?

 

[TheGodling]

It reads like every Tarantino-inspired dialog from every second-rate mafia/hood flick. What I'm saying is that Albert Pyun would love it. The only interesting angle is the guy's Hawaiian legacy but it deserves a far better scenario than this.

My advice, look deep into your memories, find a memorable and/or touching anecdote, and write it out. After throwing what you wrote above in the bushes of course.

 

[ThaRealness]

It reads like every Tarantino-inspired dialog from every second-rate mafia/hood flick. What I'm saying is that Albert Pyun would love it. The only interesting angle is the guy's Hawaiian legacy but it deserves a far better scenario than this.

My advice, look deep into your memories, find a memorable and/or touching anecdote, and write it out. After throwing what you wrote above in the bushes of course.

Are you saying I should scrap the story or just the script?

Thanks for the feedback, by the way

 

[TheGodling]

Are you saying I should scrap the story or just the script?

Thanks for the feedback, by the way

Scrap the whole thing, save the Hawaiian story for a better plot.

 

[steadyrighteous]

Eh...

I wanna read it, but I'd prefer it in PDF/FD format lol

Sorry, I'm being admittedly lazy right now.

 

[pickles]

P. But you know how what they say, right? Kings can’t be thieves.

This part bothers me, who says this? I have never heard of this phrase.
Better way to do it, I think is.

P. But you know what they say, right?

C. What's that?

P. Kings can't be thieves.

C. I don't understand.





I didn't really like the ending though. "Hit me with the shyt one time"

 

[ThaRealness]

P. But you know how what they say, right? Kings can’t be thieves.

This part bothers me, who says this? I have never heard of this phrase.
Better way to do it, I think is.

P. But you know what they say, right?

C. What's that?

P. Kings can't be thieves.

C. I don't understand.





I didn't really like the ending though. "Hit me with the shyt one time"

Ya I made that shyt up as a segway.

I didn't know how to end it, so I just inserted a hip hop line. Think Im scrapping the whole thing though

 

[pickles]

Ya I made that shyt up as a segway.

I didn't know how to end it, so I just inserted a hip hop line. Think Im scrapping the whole thing though

You mean "segue" right?

I don't think you should scrap it, that stuff about the Hawaiian stuff is cool, but ending needs to be fixed.
He is going to die over a recipe? What?

 

[ThaRealness]

You mean "segue" right?

I don't think you should scrap it, that stuff about the Hawaiian stuff is cool, but ending needs to be fixed.
He is going to die over a recipe? What?

Nah he was going to die anyway

 

[ThaRealness]

You mean "segue" right?

I don't think you should scrap it, that stuff about the Hawaiian stuff is cool, but ending needs to be fixed.
He is going to die over a recipe? What?

Thanks for the feedback man

 

[Roaden Polynice]

It's a "bomb ass script" but the characters aren't distinguished and the ending falls flat?

 

[ThaRealness]

It's a "bomb ass script" but the characters aren't distinguished and the ending falls flat?

I gotta get dem clicks

 

[MartyMcFly]

Off the top of my head breh, all your characters sound the same

 

[MartyMcFly]

So yeah you're right that they aren't clearly distinguished. I'd keep the basic plot you're going with but try to liven the characters up with different dialogue. Obviously everyone has a style and I'm not saying lose your style but you've got to find a way to differentiate within that style

 

[ThaRealness]

So yeah you're right that they aren't clearly distinguished. I'd keep the basic plot you're going with but try to liven the characters up with different dialogue. Obviously everyone has a style and I'm not saying lose your style but you've got to find a way to differentiate within that style

@TheGodling got me thinking though... maybe I should make it more personal. I don't know if Im an experienced enough screenwriter to run with a meaningless fictional scenario.