Konichiwa bytches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fukking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fukking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York fukking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shyt-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shyt like this on Craigslist.
Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fukking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shyt if I have to sleep in your bathtub.
A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shyt. If you leave shyt out, I'm just like, "Oh fukk I better not mess with this shyt, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. fukk it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shyt in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fukking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fukking socks off.
I also read a lot. I fukking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shyt. I read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It's a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. fukking smart. Do you like movies? I fukking love them. We can watch the shyt out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don't have to talk to you at all. It's completely UP TO YOU!
Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE fukk YOU WANT? Of course you are! I'll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James fukking Taylor. AWWWWWW shyt YEA!
A lot of people ask me, "Hey, you're from Alabama. Are you racist?" And, the answer to that question is, no. I'm not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I'm a secular humanist. I fukkING LOVE PEOPLE. That's the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fukking cool right?
I own almost nothing! I'm driving my car from Alabama to California in which I'll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shytload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you'd like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I'm the most considerate person you've ever met. I'm offering to buy you shyt already!
Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I'm taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I'll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I'd like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fukking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I'm ready to give you money
wrong sub-forum..
