The Power of Thinking
This is for those of you that suffer from depression as well as others who just are not happy or want to increase the quality of your life. Depression is different for each and every person. For some it’s like being in an abusive relationship, for others its like drowning, suffocating, a rollercoaster, for me it was like a pendulum. Depression can be brought on after a time of distorted thinking or irrational beliefs that are repeated throughout childhood and into adulthood. Prior to depression it may manifest as anxiety as well as other behavioral and personality disorders. It can also be brought on by a traumatic experience. Regardless of how it feels to you or what brought it on, you have the ability to enjoy a better quality of life.
To shorten this as much as possible (yeah, this didn’t end up working) there are two things you will want to ask yourself. Where is my thinking? Is it in the past, present or future? Secondly, am I thinking positively?
A popular internet cliché from Lao Tzu is
As silly as it is (to me because its posted on the internet along with some dumb picture that people post on social media deriving it of all meaning and not being able to elaborate on it), it is true.
- If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.
Now while there isn’t a source of depression because individual’s resilience cannot be measured, there are two factors I will mention. First is trauma or some sort of traumatic occurrence, it could be abuse, a car accident, exposure to war, rape, and even unresolved grief. The second is repeated patterns of irrational or distorted thinking. It might seem like I'm jumping around but there is only the easier said then done way of approaching this: Learn the lesson or acknowledge the facts and begin to move forward. Now if there is some lesson, i.e. your girl/boy left you because, or you did something wrong, can’t forgive yourself, can’t forgive someone else....if there is a lesson (i.e. you didn’t have your shyt together and the love of your life left you) or something happened (abuse) Then you need to acknowledge and accept it. Validation is so important I should and could talk about it at length but I won’t. Long story short, you need to validate whatever it is so you can move forward. Validation comes from you, not anyone else. You didn’t abuse yourself, leave yourself, or die...and even if you are the source of the endless dark pit that is depression you can't begin to move forward until you validate yourself. People often want validation or an apology from someone else, it doesn’t work that way. It could help, but at the end of the day you’re the one who is depressed, not your abuser, not the person who left you, not bill collector and repo man, not the person who died. Why give someone else that power to prevent you from moving forward with your life?
You cannot change the past. You cannot change the past. Thinking or dwelling on it for 100 years won’t change it. You can change the future. Don't let what happened in the past completely effect what happens in your future. Everyone can stay stuck on something that has happened, the difference between them and you is resilience, your ability to cope. I’m not going to discuss coping skills and resilience but I will brief on two important parts, reframing and perspective. We all tell ourselves a story, or an excuse that typically is negative “I suck at math.” “I can’t do it (anything)” “I’m worthless” “She/he doesn’t love me” When we continue to tell ourselves that, we aren’t going to overcome it, it’s always going to feel the same every time if not worse but if we reframe, that is to change the words that we use to tell ourselves and others these stories we can start to feel better and then begin the process of moving forth (whatever that may lead to). For instance “I’m not good at math, I never applied myself at the time when I was learning various components and I was always kind of playing catch up.”, “I don’t know/ am not sure if I can do this”, “I’m struggling with” (because nobody is worthless, instead of using the word worthless identify with why you feel that way), “We weren’t right for each other.”
When you speak to yourself and/or define yourself to others using absolutes “I suck”, “I can’t” etc. or using generalizations “I’m worthless”, you aren’t even providing yourself an opportunity for change and subtlety indicating that you don’t want to change. When I tell you I can’t make the NFL, that’s a good indicator that I won’t be going to a training camp or combine just to validate that claim, I am not going to try. When you generalize that your worthless, is it your entire life and all that it entails? Your hair, legs, lungs, job, car, house, talents, skills, hopes, dreams, and aspirations? If you are going to change something or want to change something you have to be specific.
Now people typically get down on themselves or drown in sorrow when they remember lost ones, either by death or separation. While that is appropriate, grief is not a life long condition, you are supposed to and designed to grieve and move forward. Unfortunately there aren’t any specific methods or guidelines to grieving, everyone does it in there own way. A lot of people that are depressed need to change what or how they are thinking about what it is that is bringing them down. For instance, regarding the passing of my mother, I’m never going be ok or alright with her death and the days and weeks preceding her it. It will always bring me down. I spent a significant part of my experience with depression focusing on that, as well as other losses and the events surrounding the loss. I avoided the topics, tried to rid myself of even thinking about them because when I did I immediately thought of the negative. I had a negative thought connotation with my own mother. It wasn’t until I learned the hard and long way to think about the good times and the good things associated with her and others and really anything in my life, that I was able to “pull myself up by the bootstraps”. Something so simple. I have relaxed with one of my best friends and we talked about our moms (both of our moms have passed, and we were there for each other when they happened), we both experienced nontraditional grief and were depressed- his manifested in a serious drinking problem, mine was just complete and total isolation, but him and I have sat down and had extensive conversations about our mothers, shared stories, we have laughed, and even cried, but not the sad, depressed “I miss her, how will I ever survive, why” cry.”, but more of a I miss her but I appreciate the happiness every moment type of cry. I have used that on an ex-girlfriend. There was a time I couldn’t say her name and if you were around me you couldn’t either. I was hurt and angry, particularly for much longer than I should have been but once again there is not specific guideline for grief. But it wasn’t until I reframed the story I was telling myself, “She fukking hates me, I fukked up, she was perfect, I can’t believe she left me.” To “We had good times, but at the end of the day she wanted or needed something I couldn’t provide and we’ve gone our separate ways.” And instead of thinking about the events that lead to our separation, I thought and sometimes occasionally think of the good times, the fun times, the sweet times. I’m not bitter or hurt anymore, since then I have moved on and become a better person (relationship wise) than I ever was because I was able to acknowledge and validate, reframe and change my perspective, which simply put is/was to: change my thinking and think positive.
If you’re thinking too much about the future, your doing yourself a disservice. It's good to have a plan. If you fail to plan, then plan to fail. But planning like everything else should be in moderation. It’s like packing for a flight. It’s reasonable to pack a week before, maybe 1.5 to 2 weeks before. Packing the night before or morning after is cutting it close. Once you've packed, and got your stuff in order all you have to do is wait. The same applies to your life, some people change their resume twice a month every couple of months and aren't even looking for employment (already have a job), or they hoard things thinking they are going to need them at a much later time. Just like living in the past, having your mindset too far in the future which you can’t control (you can effect it but not control it) is bad for whatever your doing right now.
The ultimate goal is to be present centered. Think about and live in the present, the right now. You've heard people say smell the roses. It is a technique that like most techniques needs to be practiced and refined but the more you do it the easier it becomes. You’re living it when you can say "There's no place I'd rather be than right here." You might have felt that, when you wake up and are laying in bed, or are in a hot shower that is just what you need, after a good meal or sex, after graduating..sometime in your life even if it was for a second. At that moment in time you weren’t in the past, you weren’t in the future your mindset was right there.
Now, are you thinking positively? Another easier said than done right? Consider this. Bill Gates, Lebron James, Michael Jordan, most people that are doing things with their life aren’t doing them by thinking negatively. They’ve lost games and championships, business deals, and more money than we will ever see individually. They aren’t dwelling on it; they are and have moved forward. People who climb Mount Everest and Kilimanjaro aren’t approaching it with the thought "I’m not going to make it to the top." They are thinking positively. Each and everything we do, we can do it positively or negatively. Chances are if you’re depressed, your thoughts are generally negative.
Happiness, although it occurs naturally, is not a natural process. It isn’t something that comes every once in a while, by luck or chance. It is a choice. Granted there are times when it occurs naturally, i.e. finding money, someone smiling at you, something funny, and something nice. Other than that, it is a choice. For instance, I’m going to go to Applebee’s for dinner. I can think, “Applebee’s is great!” “Applebee’s is ok”, or “Applebee’s fukking sucks.” Now to be completely honest, I’m not too fond of it, but I don’t want my experience to be negative so my mindset is that “Applebee’s is ok.”
A lot of people think they should just feel happy or just be happy. They are waiting for the feeling to come. They understand that it occurs naturally so when it is not occurring naturally they are in a perpetual state of dread. There’s been times when I’ve been walking down the street and found $5-$10 I’m happy as hell. Now when I go outside I don’t expect to find money and if/when I don’t I don’t feel upset about it. Why am I not happy, why do I feel this way, why are others happy? These are questions people ask themselves. If you are waiting to be happy, you’re going to spend a lot of time, years in fact, waiting for something that will never come. Ultimately you’re going to come down to a choice, should I kill myself or live unhappily? There is a third ‘choice’ that nobody often puts on their plate, it is the choice to live happily. Happiness is an emotion, you can’t feel it 24/7. Even for extroverts it’s draining. You’re never going to feel it all the time, however there is a contrast between not feeling happy and being angry or sad. There is just a state of existence where things are just ok, fine, content.
Positive thinking isn’t something that is easy to implement (Sorry!). But it is possible and like working out or eating right, quitting smoking or drinking, the longer you do it the easier it becomes, then it becomes second nature. You can start by reframing some of the negative events in your life. Say you got fired; there are two ways you can negatively handle that. You could be the person that never thinks about it (non validation) and says “I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t give a fukk! fukk them!” or you could self blame “I fukked up. I failed.” Now there are other ways i.e. blaming others, but I’ll just focus on the two. As far as the incident, acknowledge it/validate it then put a less negative or a positive spin on it. “I did my best.” Saying something like “It wasn’t for me” “I wasn’t happy” or even rationalization “I couldn’t get on board with what they wanted to accomplish” is a lot better than considering yourself a failure, or not acknowledging it at. Lebron is going to watch the championships he lost, he will acknowledge they happened, and he will get better or at least try. Bill Gates and them check the books and see what went wrong and move forward and try to do better. They don’t just pretend it didn’t happen. Until Lebron retires, he’s going to say something like “Next year…” Every year Microsoft has a big conference where they discuss new products and changes and they say something similar to “2015 is our year!” As individuals, we can set goals i.e. graduating next year, but in reality we need to be able to say “Tomorrow is my day!” and when you become advanced at positive thinking and changing your mindset/perspective you can say “At 2:00pm I’m going to have a better day”, then go do it.
Understand that you can only control yourself and your emotions. Therefore when people instigate you or piss you off, upset you, you have to consider am I going to let this affect me negatively or positively? The thing about depression is a lot of others may not know you have it, therefore being sad or upset, angry it’s not changing your situation and you like want to feel better. It sounds silly to verbalize, “I am hurt/sad/angry/depressed because you --- and you don’t even know it, because I haven’t expressed that to you.” Or “I am hurt/sad/angry/depressed because you --- and you don’t even give a shyt, therefore I am going to continue to feel hurt/sad/angry/depressed.”
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Lot of food for thought in that article, though. Will sit down and read it thoroughly.
