onelastdeath
Banned
So last night one of my older homies had a party at his loft in the city. He ain't 
old, but older than me by like 7 years. He's 26 now, 27 before the years over. Him and his girl are going away to see her parents for the Holidays on Thursday, so he threw a little shindig before he left, I got an invite so I went :blackblessed: Threw on a blazer, a T, some Jays and some pants and I left. all black 
When I got there, I walk into the lobby and saw 5 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. Some of the prettiest girls I've seen throughout my entire history of seeing pretty girls. They were all at least 5’9.1 was a sista with an English accent
1 was middle eastern with an English accent and the rest were white. One of the white girls had this deep ass Russian accent. I'm not even sure if it was Russian, could have been something else I'm not cultured enough to be able to recognize an accent on the spot like that, but it was real thick and harsh. I heard them talking to the security guy struggling to get upstairs to wherever they needed to go because they didn't know the apartment number, they just knew what floor and what door, but he wasn't having it, he wasn't letting them up. Those bewji ass security Guards take their jobs hella seriously when it comes to protecting these white folks in SoHo. So I but in their conversation like
"We all going to the 15th Floor, 15B. His name is ****** *********. Call him let him know that ModernFonzie and his friends are here."
The security guard called him, and he gave me the okay to go up.
I said to them "Yall comin' or what"
And they followed cha boy :blackblessed:
I started talking to them while we’re waiting for the elevator and the Middle Eastern girl was giving me MAD play. I found that she was British-Pakistani, the sista was from Onesworth, some city in London, I've never heard of, the “Russian” girl was actually from Ukraine, and the other two girls I never found out where they were from, but they were American I could tell by their voices and who cares about American girls anyway when I got these foreign dimes in my face :blackcamby:
The Pakistani girl complimented me on outfit, and the sista co-signed her and said “You put this all together very nicely" and touched my shoulder.
I asked them what they were doing here.
And the sista said “We’re here for Valentine photos”
To which I replied “Oh, it’s only December, that’s early”
They all laughed and the Pakistani girl said “No, not the Holiday, we’re shooting for Valentine, it’s a designer brand” :blackdead:
I said “Oh okay So you guys are models then?”
She said “Yeah, we are. She and I (points to the sista) go to University here in the city”
“Do you live here?”
We go inside the elevator.
I said “No, I’m here for my friends party”
She said “uhh lucky! I could use a party right now, but I have to work.”
I said “MMM That’s unfortunate, It would have been nice to have you around”
She smiled and said “Maybe if it’s not too late, we can hang out or something, since you're already here”
I said “Yeah, if it’s not too late”
The elevator stopped at the 7th floor, and they said thank you and got out, except for the Pakistani girl. She’s talking me, and pressing “OPEN DOOR” while we’re having a conversation. I can hear one of her WACK COCKBLOCKING American friends down the hall saying “We’re already late we have to go”
So she says “I really do have to go, but you should text me sometime”
I said “Better Yet, You text me when you’re free”
and gave her my number. She Didn’t even write it down, she said she’d remember it. She smiled, said "I'll text you" and left down the hall.
As soon as she got out the elevator I cut all the overly smooth-cool shyt out, and
Before I went inside I chilled in the hallway for a second and googled what the fukk “Valentine” was and Its a GAWWDAMNN Lingerie Line!
:blackblessed:
So I know her body was on point :blacklawd:
I went inside the party, turned my phone off, feeling mad good
I had some BBQ wings, some white castle burgers, some Mozzerella sticks. Chips and Dip, some soda, and a glass of milk :blackye: Smoked a little tiny bit, and watched the Blazers-Spurs game. I had a good time.
I stood for about 3 hours, I turned on my phone and I saw 2 text messages from a number I didn't know, so I figured it was her. IT WAS!
She said they were going to be at Joe’s Gourmet at said time, and that I should come if I wasn’t busy. I knew exactly where that was, and it wasn’t even time yet :blackblessed:
PLUS I was gonna get there fashionably late anyway, so I figured I had enough time to come down off my little high, and get some air.
THEN
I could feel my stomach turning a little bit, not when you have to shyt, but you can feel the gas coming on. So I pressed the elevator button and I got inside. And Im on some dumb high nikka shyt I think to myself. “I should light this shyt up, so whoever gets inside next will be tight" :blackumad: ” so I start farting. Ripping loud, violent, abusive, thunderous, realm-altering farts. It smelled like a badly cleaned, occasionally washed, maybe infected or diseased, decaying ass in the elevator. The smell was just soul shattering. It smelled like something died, something else ate that something that died, and then that thing died too. It smelled like everything that smelled bad in the world, somehow met up in sauna and just marinated together.
So Im laughing and shyt, and then I see the 7th floor button light up.
Im like
In my head “PLEASE NO, PLEASE DON’T DO THIS, IF THERES A fukkING GOD PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME.”
Everytime the elevator passed a floor you can hear a “BEEP” and each time my heart sank a little more.
**BEEP**
*BEEP**
Then the it stops on the 7th floor, and only 1 of the girls are there. Just one of the Americans. And I’m just inside like
She gets inside says hi, and her face scrunches up like 
, but she doesn't say anything :blackye:
The Elevator stops at the 6th floor and the rest of the girls get inside laughing. I think they ran down the steps a flight or something. And the Pakistani girl goes
“Oh you. I texted you, so what are you doing---- oh my god, what is that?”
Then the the Ukraine girl says in her Accent “Whut iz dat owful smell?”
The Sista Goes “
I know that smells SOOOO BAD”
Then the elevator stops, on the 2nd floor FOR NO REASON
and the door doesn’t open. So the white girl presses the emergency button and we’re stuck in the stinky abyss. Im trying to hold conversation with the Pakistani girl without admitting it was me. Saying “shyt it smells in here”
The sista goes “I know doesn’t it"
I said “We need to get out of here damn”
The white American bytch goes “Yeah, and you need to watch what you eat”. :blacksnoop:
\
I said “what?”
White American bytch: “It was you, the elevator was at the 16th floor coming down and you were the only one that got in from the 16th to our floor” :blackpac:
I said “It wasn’t me, I actually didn’t smell it until you came in, it was probably you.” :blackfdup:
She said “It was me?,no it wasn’t. It was you.”
Pakinstani Girl: Your farts do smell, I’d have to admit.
White American Girl : It wasn’t me, I don’t smell like that
Me: Sometimes it’s a bad mixture of things, certain things don’t go together. Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault
:blackfdup:
Ukraine Girl: You farted. Tis no big deel.
Sista: It happens :blackye:
White American bytch: it is a big deal, because I DIDN’T FART!
Me: You know what, it was me. Whatever. Does that make you feel better? As a matter of fact, I farted 4 hours ago before I left the elevator, and it was so bad that it just stood in here the whole time”
The Girls:
The elevator opens and the white girl gets out and says “fukk YOU GUYS.” And then leaves :blackdead:
I ended up going to eat with them and got that Pakistani texted me again this morning :blackblessed:
old, but older than me by like 7 years. He's 26 now, 27 before the years over. Him and his girl are going away to see her parents for the Holidays on Thursday, so he threw a little shindig before he left, I got an invite so I went :blackblessed: Threw on a blazer, a T, some Jays and some pants and I left. all black When I got there, I walk into the lobby and saw 5 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. Some of the prettiest girls I've seen throughout my entire history of seeing pretty girls. They were all at least 5’9.1 was a sista with an English accent
1 was middle eastern with an English accent and the rest were white. One of the white girls had this deep ass Russian accent. I'm not even sure if it was Russian, could have been something else I'm not cultured enough to be able to recognize an accent on the spot like that, but it was real thick and harsh. I heard them talking to the security guy struggling to get upstairs to wherever they needed to go because they didn't know the apartment number, they just knew what floor and what door, but he wasn't having it, he wasn't letting them up. Those bewji ass security Guards take their jobs hella seriously when it comes to protecting these white folks in SoHo. So I but in their conversation like
The security guard called him, and he gave me the okay to go up.
I said to them "Yall comin' or what"
And they followed cha boy :blackblessed:
I started talking to them while we’re waiting for the elevator and the Middle Eastern girl was giving me MAD play. I found that she was British-Pakistani, the sista was from Onesworth, some city in London, I've never heard of, the “Russian” girl was actually from Ukraine, and the other two girls I never found out where they were from, but they were American I could tell by their voices and who cares about American girls anyway when I got these foreign dimes in my face :blackcamby:
The Pakistani girl complimented me on outfit, and the sista co-signed her and said “You put this all together very nicely" and touched my shoulder.
I asked them what they were doing here.
And the sista said “We’re here for Valentine photos”
To which I replied “Oh, it’s only December, that’s early”
They all laughed and the Pakistani girl said “No, not the Holiday, we’re shooting for Valentine, it’s a designer brand” :blackdead:
I said “Oh okay So you guys are models then?”
She said “Yeah, we are. She and I (points to the sista) go to University here in the city”
“Do you live here?”
We go inside the elevator.
I said “No, I’m here for my friends party”
She said “uhh lucky! I could use a party right now, but I have to work.”
I said “MMM That’s unfortunate, It would have been nice to have you around”
She smiled and said “Maybe if it’s not too late, we can hang out or something, since you're already here”
I said “Yeah, if it’s not too late”
The elevator stopped at the 7th floor, and they said thank you and got out, except for the Pakistani girl. She’s talking me, and pressing “OPEN DOOR” while we’re having a conversation. I can hear one of her WACK COCKBLOCKING American friends down the hall saying “We’re already late we have to go”
So she says “I really do have to go, but you should text me sometime”
I said “Better Yet, You text me when you’re free”
and gave her my number. She Didn’t even write it down, she said she’d remember it. She smiled, said "I'll text you" and left down the hall.
As soon as she got out the elevator I cut all the overly smooth-cool shyt out, and
Before I went inside I chilled in the hallway for a second and googled what the fukk “Valentine” was and Its a GAWWDAMNN Lingerie Line!
So I know her body was on point :blacklawd:
I went inside the party, turned my phone off, feeling mad good
I had some BBQ wings, some white castle burgers, some Mozzerella sticks. Chips and Dip, some soda, and a glass of milk :blackye: Smoked a little tiny bit, and watched the Blazers-Spurs game. I had a good time.I stood for about 3 hours, I turned on my phone and I saw 2 text messages from a number I didn't know, so I figured it was her. IT WAS!
She said they were going to be at Joe’s Gourmet at said time, and that I should come if I wasn’t busy. I knew exactly where that was, and it wasn’t even time yet :blackblessed:PLUS I was gonna get there fashionably late anyway, so I figured I had enough time to come down off my little high, and get some air.
THEN
I could feel my stomach turning a little bit, not when you have to shyt, but you can feel the gas coming on. So I pressed the elevator button and I got inside. And Im on some dumb high nikka shyt I think to myself. “I should light this shyt up, so whoever gets inside next will be tight" :blackumad: ” so I start farting. Ripping loud, violent, abusive, thunderous, realm-altering farts. It smelled like a badly cleaned, occasionally washed, maybe infected or diseased, decaying ass in the elevator. The smell was just soul shattering. It smelled like something died, something else ate that something that died, and then that thing died too. It smelled like everything that smelled bad in the world, somehow met up in sauna and just marinated together.
So Im laughing and shyt, and then I see the 7th floor button light up.
Im like
In my head “PLEASE NO, PLEASE DON’T DO THIS, IF THERES A fukkING GOD PLEASE DON’T DO THIS TO ME.”Everytime the elevator passed a floor you can hear a “BEEP” and each time my heart sank a little more.
**BEEP**
*BEEP**
Then the it stops on the 7th floor, and only 1 of the girls are there. Just one of the Americans. And I’m just inside like
She gets inside says hi, and her face scrunches up like , but she doesn't say anything :blackye:The Elevator stops at the 6th floor and the rest of the girls get inside laughing. I think they ran down the steps a flight or something. And the Pakistani girl goes
“Oh you. I texted you, so what are you doing---- oh my god, what is that?”
Then the the Ukraine girl says in her Accent “Whut iz dat owful smell?”
The Sista Goes “
I know that smells SOOOO BAD” Then the elevator stops, on the 2nd floor FOR NO REASON
and the door doesn’t open. So the white girl presses the emergency button and we’re stuck in the stinky abyss. Im trying to hold conversation with the Pakistani girl without admitting it was me. Saying “shyt it smells in here” The sista goes “I know doesn’t it"
I said “We need to get out of here damn”
The white American bytch goes “Yeah, and you need to watch what you eat”. :blacksnoop:
I said “what?”
White American bytch: “It was you, the elevator was at the 16th floor coming down and you were the only one that got in from the 16th to our floor” :blackpac:
I said “It wasn’t me, I actually didn’t smell it until you came in, it was probably you.” :blackfdup:
She said “It was me?,no it wasn’t. It was you.”
Pakinstani Girl: Your farts do smell, I’d have to admit.
White American Girl :
It wasn’t me, I don’t smell like thatMe: Sometimes it’s a bad mixture of things, certain things don’t go together. Don’t worry about it. It’s not your fault
:blackfdup:Ukraine Girl: You farted. Tis no big deel.
Sista: It happens :blackye:
White American bytch: it is a big deal, because I DIDN’T FART!
Me: You know what, it was me. Whatever. Does that make you feel better? As a matter of fact, I farted 4 hours ago before I left the elevator, and it was so bad that it just stood in here the whole time”
The Girls:
The elevator opens and the white girl gets out and says “fukk YOU GUYS.” And then leaves :blackdead:
I ended up going to eat with them and got that Pakistani texted me again this morning :blackblessed:
) 
. End up making an excuse t bounce solo 
and unleashing the wrath of God on the toilet 
